Our responses to MLC vary according to our personality, and no one can live another's experience. I also understand that you have much to lose materially by leaving out of your own time frame.
Your h seems to be having a fairly unusual MLC, and that has given you the time to position yourself Many of us have an ultimatum bomb: in my case my xh up and left me. But I also feel at times that you are like someone pulling a bandaid off slowly - and in some ways it is more painful that way.
Can I be blunt and ask you if a little tiny bit of you 'enjoys' victim mode because you feel safe in that mode. I apologise if this is a harsh question, but I have been following your thread a long time, and there seems a strange interdependence between you and your h that permits his abusive behaviour to go on happening. Just a thought.
No-one free and adult has to be a victim: it is a choice we make. I know because I lived this mode in the first long months post bomb, and it isn't until you really move out of that that you realise it is like quicksand, and very hard to get out of but when you are free of it, life really changes.
I don't take offense at all, Beatrice. I want to get answers. I think there is an interdependence between my H and I. We both don't seem to want to be the one who rips the band-aid off completely. Me, because I still love him, and had hope that things would change (but, I'm starting to get that it probably won't, not soon anyway). Him! I have no idea. He says he doesn't love me, but enjoys coming home. Maybe it's because we are immigrants, and don't have family close by, so we are each other's family? Or he doesn't want to appear as the bad guy to our children ... they are very important to him. In some ways, I wish he had just walked out. His kindness is "killing" me. One just never knows where you stand with him. He says he doesn't love me, but then he goes and buys me a car, or phones me everyday while away. I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop for 7 years. I've managed to get on with my life in other ways, and I've been able to ignore any loneliness with have two of my children at home, but lately, they tend to sleep over at friends for weekends, or S24 at his girlfriend. Then I know what I'm looking forward to. So, I must go where my grandchildren are. Also, where I have more friends and family ... a good support system.
As for being a victim ... I know I am scared to face the future alone. Is that being a victim? I don't enjoy being stuck here, but on the other hand, don't have any other thing I can do, but what I have planned already. I don't think of myself as a victim. I am hurt, of course, but that's inevitable given the circumstances. If my H had just left, I would've managed, but I have had a lot of time to think, and I'm not happy with being alone, but I'm alone most of the time now anyway. So, I have to go back to where we came from. I just need to get the house sold, my kids left unhanging (although, I'm sure they'll manage), and all legalities sorted out, and I hope to do this by July 2012. That's my plan, and it's been my plan since last year. The only difference is that I still had hope ... now I don't (for various reasons ... things said, and done by H, how he reacted to certain other events, etc.).
You have given me some food for thought, Beatrice. Thanks.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." Peace Pilgrim
Hi, yes, your husband sounds like the mirror image of mine, who became cruel and seemed to enjoy deliberately hurting me. Still does for that matter. i think it assuages his guilt, or at least that is part of it.
Your h probably has had to do some very hard adjusting. Making it in a foreign country isn't easy. I live part of the year in a country [by choice] I wasn't born in, and although it is my choice, there is a whole different system to navigate.
I suspect that you husband does not understand himself at all, but I don't know him. It is certainly one of the stranger ML crises here!.
What I meant by victimhood it that you have a great gift of patience, clearly, but I wonder if there isn't a passive part of you that is reluctant to grab life by the throat, but prefers to wait it out? That can tip very easily into the role of allowing things to happen, which for me is an aspect of being a victim. You know the saying - Deal with what you have control over, and let go what you can't control and have the wisdom to know the difference.
Have you talked to your younger children about your plans?
Braveheart - I've not been standing (in my mind) since my H moved out of our bedroom and I eventually redecorated it ... that was summer last year, I think. I had hope, but don't most of us carry that around, tucked away somewhere, realized or not.
Beatrice - my youngest children are D19 and S24, so grown-up, but still at home. My other two children D24 (son's twin) and D31 have been out the house for a long time. So, yes, discussed and brainstormed with them. S24 knows what's happening to a certain degree ... obviously not everything. I'm not sure if they want me to go back to PCOR (previous city of residence), but they do understand the draw = grandchildren. And, they want me to be happy.
I think one of your posters got it when they were discussing addictions. I think that's my H's problem. He's addicted to his career. I used to enable this by moving around chasing after the perfect job, but I have stopped, and now I can see things more clearly. "I will move when I decide to move, and not when he wants," has been my thinking for sometime. So, future plans don't take him into consideration, unless it has to.
I've been looking at the university in the PCOR. I will not be able to use too many of the courses I gained here. So, I have to make a decision; finish here, or lose those courses. I have an emotional investment in those courses .... it got me through my brain cancer, which was discovered at the beginning of my uni classes in 2008.
Okay ... brainstorming here ... maybe I should buy a downtown apartment in PCOR and rent it out to business people, then I will have a place to stay in the summer and Christmas time, until I finish my degree here. Then I can use the revenue of the apartment to finance a new house/apartment/townhouse there. Of course, I will have to sell the house here at that time. The only negative ... I will have to buy that apartment with H. We have discussed this, but he knows I don't want to. I should rethink this. It will be like a business, but also a place to stay without the expense of a hotel, or staying with friends/family.
Gah! My head spins. Thank goodness, I have time.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." Peace Pilgrim
I like that you are thinking of ways to gain some financial freedom. Even it it means 'using' H to get there, it might feel like a step back to take some steps forward but you have mentioned being tied to him financially in the future anyway. Was this plan his idea or your idea?
I think you are wise to take baby steps out of your M. You have that luxury since you're H is not forcing anything. Take the time you need to learn the ropes of handling your own life so you don't feel so stranded.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW - The apartment was my idea, but he thought it was a good one ... there's a lot of head offices in previous city. And, I thought it would be nice to have my own place to stay when visiting. D24's children are 4, 2, and 15 mths, so I have a little time before I have to be there. I also have to find a way to spend more time with my D31's children ... they're in Germany, and I've been there twice since they moved in 2010. They do grow so fast. Her kids are 13, 7, and 11 months. So, previous city would be better because their airport is more accessible to International airports.
KML - Thanks for the laugh ... interesting article.
I just have to give it a lot of thought.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." Peace Pilgrim
Had the weirdest IM conversation with my H who is in China right now. I'm putting the more pertinent parts here to keep it in context of recent events:
[01:41:54] Me: i just wanted to say that wrt funds ... I didn't need to get the mercedes benz ... if I'd known there might be funding problems, i would've said no [01:43:16] H: D, there are no funding problems, I am making plenty [01:43:35] Me: but if you want to get the other job, then there might be [01:43:36] H: I am worried that if I stop contracting there will be funding problems. [01:43:45] Me: exactly [01:44:27] H: Yes, so the car is irrelavent. It was bought pre possibility of another job [01:44:42] Me: we've got all this stuff we don't need ... and if I'm going on my own, I won't want, except the basic [01:44:45] H: Bought with cash so it does not affect future income. [01:45:03] Me: the insurance and maintenance does [01:45:54] H: It's one car, it would have been the case with any other car. We were supposed to get rid of one car so it pans out about even [01:47:01] Me: i don't know what to do [01:47:25] H: There is nothing that you can do or have to do. [01:48:10] Me: i have to make a decision about us, and i don't know what to do. [01:48:40] H: I dont know what you mean? [01:50:20] Me: the way you speak, it's as if we are still married in the normal sense, but we both know (or I think I know) that that is not the case, so I don't know what to do about when to leave, how to leave. [01:52:04] you confuse me. [01:52:30] H: I confuse me. [01:53:04] I have no clue either D, all I know is that this situation is not good for you at all. I seem to be a lost cause, quite honestly. [01:53:18] Me: that doesn't help me. i need some clarity. [01:53:44] you're only a lost cause if you want to be. is that the case? [01:55:21] you have always had my support and good will whether you were aware of it or not, but you have shut me out ... yet, I still support your decisions and want the best for you. You have to want that too. [01:57:52] H: I want the best for everyone, but I am so confused at the moment I have no idea what is best. I really just dont know why these people want me to work for them. I feel a complete shambles at the moment and I have been making bad decisions left right and center. [02:02:26] Me: If your heart is in the right place, and you want the best for you and your family, then you will be able to make the right decisions, but if it's about your career, and about the people you work for currently, then I don't know. You seem to have lost your compass, which should be pointing toward family, but that's just my opinion. You have to do what you think will make you happy. I can't do that for you. I have waited long enough, and I don't know now, what to do. My compass is whirling around and not set on true north anymore. [02:04:40] these people want you to work for them because you are good at what you do. and [current company] knows that too. [02:05:12] H: D, you have to decide what is best for you, you are studying and you should continue to do that. I am trying to make a decision that will enable everyone to continue to do what they need/want to do and it's not about career right now. If it were about career then I would take the job. [02:06:19] Me: we don't want your sacrifice ... we want our husband/father to be happy [02:08:50] H: It's another two year stay in this particular contracts and then I can do something else. I dont have to stay in this particular contract, I can move onto something else if i find something better. [02:09:07] Me: ask yourself this ... if the chips were down for you, who would be at your side, not expecting anything out of it? [02:09:31] well, you know what you want then. 'nuff said [02:10:42] H: I dont know what you mean, from a job perspective? Neither [current company] or any other crowd would stick with me. [02:12:00] Me: no ... we, your family would. I'm just saying, don't burn yourself out for our sakes ... [02:13:27] H: I wont D, I will try do what is best and at the same time try to look after myself. [02:13:39] Me: gah ... you are such an intelligent man, but sometimes so clueless :^):) [02:13:50] H: I am going to the doctor again as soon as I get back. [02:14:07] Well not sure about the intelligent part. [02:14:09] Me: good [02:14:33] you know you are ... you're just not assertive about it [02:15:43] H: Anyway, I have not decided for sure what I am going to do yet. If I can figure out a way to reduce expenses without compromising everyone elses opportunities I will take the job. [02:16:13] Me: okay then [02:16:54] remember, the kids will have to learn sooner or later, that they need to take care of themselves [02:17:29] H: Yes, I know that. I think A has to learn now, he better keep this job. [02:17:39] M needs to finish uni [02:17:58] The rest are more or less ok [02:18:06] Me: if he does, he'll be moving to V where we can not be of any assistance [02:18:58] i still want to move to C, at least part time ... those grandkids are not staying babies and i want to have an active part in their lives [02:19:46] H: Yes, I know, just say the word and I will help make it happen. [02:20:08] I will prob do the same [02:20:19] Me: the word is said ... i just don't know when or how [02:20:53] H: M can go into res and we can sell the house and buy something in C [02:21:12] Or buy an apartment in C and one in N [02:21:18] Whenever you want [02:22:20] Me: well, i was thinking of getting something smaller here because it seems i won't be able to transfer all my credits over to [other uni] ... and those courses took a lot of time and sweat, and I can't let go of them so easily [02:22:57] and then get that apartment in C to rent out to businessmen [02:23:25] H: Well we should sell the house in Spring and get the two places then. [02:24:34] Me: yes ... that should come first, but there is a lot of work to be done [02:31:02] i guess i better get to bed ... bye for now [02:31:15] H: Ok sleep wel
Note how he skirts around finances, and our R. It is so maddening.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." Peace Pilgrim
Hi, hmmm well why in the world would anyone try and have an important conversation via TM? I know you don't see him much but honestly it is a bit ridiculous. What could you possibly achieve? This is a bit of a gentle 2 x 4 here
Now if your h is having a type of MLC then r talk is no manner of good anyway. Do you feel better and clearer for having this exchange? Do you think he does? it is a cheeseless tunnel
What I think they want is to be emotionally connected to someone, and they don't know how. Like a deaf person trying to hear music, perhaps. They are sort of dying inside because they can't make the connection, and I think the addictive behaviours including OP are very much a part of trying to fill this gap. I am not excusing this, but trying to understand the dynamic, rather than the particular behaviour.
I see a very lost man, someone who is detached from his emotions, trying to do the right thing. Trying to be good to you, and feel OK about himself, including the fact that he isn't being the husband you want. He is a career addict maybe, but he is providing for you. Something which I have pointed out, most MLCers do not give two straws about.
This is not to guilt you out - it is hard dealing with this for years and years. He may never sort himself out, but I do think if anything is going to change it has got to be you making some decisions, not in reaction to your h and the way he is, and trying to change that but rather focused on what is good for you and what will make you happy.
Happy people are awfully attractive, and have a nice time. So please quit trying to talk your h out of this. Change yourself, get as much therapy and other help as you need to move onwards. You do not have to shut the door. Buy an apartment, invite your h to come and stay if he wants to, but live your own life, not his.
Being Me, I know you have had cancer, and so have I but we have to get on with life, and not sit there waiting for things to happen. You have great patience, which is a virtue bt it can tip into passivity. Our real problems often come from our overplaying our strengths you know. So kind helpful easily become enablers . . . and so on.
