OK, I'll try and be succinct, a little brutally honest and practice a couple of abbreviations.
Been married for 22 yrs to a wife who is still my one true love. The last couple of years have had plenty of ups and downs. Just over a month ago everything blew up. The emotional intensity of the argument and the real possibility that we were breaking up gave me a massive wake up call, which we talked about and she now sees me as a different person.
We've had a few very good weeks now. Restaurants, movies, time away from the kids it's been fantastic. The conversations have been around the past problems and the changes she's seeing and how that's totally confused her now.
Then, earlier this week, after a conversation with a friend about some trust issues he's having with his wife I thought, "I'll check if there's any trouble in new paradise" so earlier this week I checked her phone bill and smack, text messages to a number I didn't know. Checked her phone, messages to the number have all been deleted. I asked her about it (nicely) and she said it was nothing to worry about, it was a co-worker, they are friendly but a lot of it is work related and he's married and not to go running away with the wrong idea and that she deletes work texts all the time. I bit my tongue, committed to myself to remain the loving husband and left it at that.
That night in my emotional googling I found Michelle's Walk Away Wife youtube video. Yep, that is exactly us. I showed her, less of an emotional response than I was hoping for but she said, yep I can see that's us.
Next night found from the bills the texting goes back six months, averaging around ten per day, peaking at thirty. Also found photos on her phone of W & OM at their Christmas dinner plus a separate dinner outing just the two of them looking very cozy and she'd emailed them to a work colleague who said they looked good together. I was away on business that week.
Next day I again, sensitively, raised the issue that the texting was really disturbing me. She was very reassuring that it was a friendship only (she doesn't have many close friends) and that was it. I didn't tell her I knew about the photos and email.
I booked myself into a trusted pro-marriage counselor (I'm a long way from the USA) and what she said seems pretty much inline with what I've read so far on the DB approach, it's absolutely an EA, we don't know whether there's been a PA but that's not the main issue at the moment anyway, and I need to get her along urgently as well.
That night went for a walk w/W through the park hand in hand. She agreed she wanted to make this work. I told her I've seen the photos and email, she was still reassuring me saying that yes that happened but it hasn't gone anywhere, and she's agreed to see the counselor with me on Mon. I've told her that if there's any chance to get through this she needs to be brutally honest, be there for herself and really not give a damn about how I might feel about what she says. She's promised she'll do that. I don't, but really do, want to hear her say she's had a PA. At least I'll know she's being fully truthful.
So I'm just trying to make it through the weekend, remain loving and not lose the plot. And I've got questions:
Firstly where do I start with DB here? What materials can supplement the counseling and give me insight into how I can win this thing?
Should I stay physically and emotionally close to her over the next couple of days?
What stages of emotion will I go through? I'm everything at the moment, mostly scared.
In tandem, should I prepare for the potential that it won't work? (Separation/Divorce support groups, new activities etc.) I feel I need to start building a safety net.
what does succinct mean? (I tried to be)
...and to my wife, if you've happened to google this and figured it's us, it's only here because I love you and want to make things work for us.
