Thank you for your kind word! This has been the worst three years of my life and something no one can prepare you for. I am dating and by that I mean I go out with this wonderful guy but there is no commitment. I am healthy enough to know I am not in a place to give that to anyone. When your world gets so turned upside down by the person you love and trusted the most it takes awhile to get yourself right again......at least for me. I am not healthy enough to love someone else!
I do believe my XH went through some psychological breakdown. Throughout all of this he has been extremely depressed and often stated life got out of control. Several times I thought he might do something to himself. I know many would say........then he should have gotten help. At the beginning he tried and I believe the T made him worse because she didn't understand what was happening.
After that I don't think he knew how or what to do. Plus I believe most men do just what he did to relieve his pain....throw himself in work, drinking, have women. Anything to distract them from the pain. He said the other day that he can't run anymore and has to face the pain and emptiness inside otherwise he knows it will never go away. Sadly I think he also realizes that he wants to be loved and he knows my family and I loved him very much. I think he would do anything to have it back.
So where does that leave me???? In some ways I am in a great place since I have had the opportunity to learn so much about myself and meet some terrific people. But you are right about the anger. It is still there. Not like it was before but I honestly think time is the only thing that will take it away. It seems as the more my life moves on the anger is abating. In some ways it is easy for me to forgive him because I do believe he had some type of breakdown. Other times it does come out especially when he seems to minimize what has happened. I have told him several times that I don't think it is good that we talk since he can't seem to hear anything negative and I don't want to walk on eggshells.
Sorry to ramble!!! Him coming around and doing a 180 has been strange, good and awful all at the same time. I don't want to hurt his progress. I have a daughter and I would love for her to have a healthy father. But I also don't want to mess up the progress I have made!!
Many have suggested trying to be his friend so obviously that is something I need to try. I am just not sure what that is going to look like........I guess it needs to look like what is comfortable for me!!
Again, thank you for your words of wisdom and your understanding of my pain!
