Think my XH is in Acceptance Stage - HELP

[AntoniaB]

I'm sure others who have been in this stage themselves will be along to help but I just happened to come by and read this. My XH is only about 18 months into his rel. with OW and we're divorced, and he's in major replay. With that said, I know from reading others' posts here that there are some things I could suggest.

One is the whole "actions speak louder than words", and the fact that he is going to counseling is an action--can you trust him to believe he IS going or is he just saying he's going or will go? The "almost childlike" and "looking to you for help" is probably somewhat typical, but you're not the person who should be helping him figure himself out. If you fall into the trap of helping him, you will make him codependent on you (and you on him), and then it puts you into this vortex where if anything goes wrong, you are going to get blamed. See how in a way it already happened? You said that it was sad he wanted to replace you and he went back into blaming you for the past.

This is the kind of conversation that should be taking place in the context of marriage counseling sessions--where you do address your issues of the past but in a controlled environment where a 3rd party is there to keep you both from going into the blame game and to focus on whether you can rebuild something now or not.

I think you need to keep up whatever level of detachment you had before. If you had an independent life, keep it that way. You listen when he talks, of course, but I think you need to remain very detached. Acceptance is a long process, and he has MUCH work to do on himself. You can't be the one who is responsible for his recovery or lack thereof, and that's the one that that pops out to me above, that you sound a little like he's trying to put you into that role.

You also need to ask yourself if you want him back. A part of you still loves him. What about the other part? After all this time, is he still someone you want in your life? If so, what has to happen in HIS behavior for you to accept him?