Separated But Living Under the Same Roof

[sandi2]

So when the WAW says things like yours did, "I had been telling you to get your act together..." well, those are just words.

Had she scheduled an appointment for you two to go to MC, I suspect you'd have straightened right up. Or if she had said if you don't do X I'm going to do Y, you'd have probably taken notice there as well.

But when all we hear is nag, nag, nag and then it stops out of the blue, we think well, things are finally getting better. But then when the WAW takes action, POW!!

Just tell me how a woman is going to get a man to go to MC without telling him why it's necessary to go in the first place. If she actually uses words to communicate then you either see it as nagging or you don't even listen to what she has to say.

I think you've contradicted yourself somewhat. If you see it as nagging and then when she stops you think everything is"finally getting better", doesn't that tell you something was wrong when she tried to tell you? Or do you mean it just got better for the man b/c she finally shut up?

I suspect you'd have straightened right up

No comment.

[2thepoint]

"Just tell me how a woman is going to get a man to go to MC without telling him why it's necessary to go in the first place. If she actually uses words to communicate then you either see it as nagging or you don't even listen to what she has to say."

Sandi - I wasn't suggesting that a man will go to MC simply because the W asks him to. If all the W is doing is complaining about the H shortcomings then it is just words as far as the H is concerned. But when the W incorporates an action into the those words such as MC, then the H might take notice. All I'm doing is restating a point that MWD made in her KLA series that men are fixers and respond best to actions vs words. Or, in this case words supported by actions (i.e. MC).

"I think you've contradicted yourself somewhat. If you see it as nagging and then when she stops you think everything is "finally getting better", doesn't that tell you something was wrong when she tried to tell you? Or do you mean it just got better for the man b/c she finally shut up?"

Again, I'm just restating a point the MWD made about how men are wired differently than women and how when what they see as nagging stops they think, "ok things must be getting better or it's no longer an issue." It doesn't mean that it is true, just that that is how men perceive things. It doesn't make it right or any less important, just that this is often how it is perceived by many men.

Take a look at this MWD - Video on the WAW for an example of what I am talking about.

[JamesG]

Interpretation needed: over the last couple of days W has said some form of I am always here to talk no matter where our R goes or no matter what happens with us? What does that mean? Is there a reason she isn't saying "when we get D"? Am I once again being too hopeful and putting my happiness in her hands?

[2thepoint]

Maybe she is questioning her decisions or maybe she discovered the sky is blue. Who knows. Whatever it is, try not to mind read. It is probably best to acknowledge what she has said but don't put any stake in her words whatsoever. Remember to believe none of what they say and only half of what you see. At least for now.

[sandi2]

I know what MWD says. But, she doesn't say it like you said it in your post to James, and that's what got me riled. We can always find something to shift responsibility, and I felt that you were taking any blame from the man and putting it all on the WAW. I realize my posts are not always read with the intent I meant it to say, as well. That's one reason I've had to delete and rewright this one about a dozen times. That, and b/c I wanted to debate the point. But, I won't.

Well, maybe one. If women try to incorporate the action, then they are often criticized of trying to wear the pants in the M.....being bossy,....leading the man around by his nose.....and the most popular--trying to control.....(the list is endless). But if women try to express their feelings by words, then those words are most often referred to as nagging. So try to realize how frustrating and hopeless that feels for the wife. Just b/c men choose not to listen, doesn't make it right.

I know, you are wired differently, but here's my theory about that......when God created man, He looked at Adam and shook His head and thought to Himself, "I know I can beat that any day of the week!" So then, God created woman!

[2thepoint]

"I know, you are wired differently, but here's my theory about that......when God created man, He looked at Adam and shook His head and thought to Himself, "I know I can beat that any day of the week!" So then, God created woman!"

First off, that is pretty damn funny! I guess that is where the saying "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" came from.

I appreciate the time and thoughtful effort you put into posting on this and other threads. I try to do the same. In the case of my previous post, it was not my intent to shift the blame away from the H. Instead I was just pointing out that men (me for example) seem to get caught off guard when the bomb finally drops on their heads.

"...If women try to incorporate the action, then they are often criticized of trying to wear the pants in the M.....being bossy,....leading the man around by his nose.....and the most popular--trying to control.....(the list is endless). But if women try to express their feelings by words, then those words are most often referred to as nagging. So try to realize how frustrating and hopeless that feels for the wife. Just b/c men choose not to listen, doesn't make it right."

Trust me, I get it! They're done when they are done communicating their needs and concerns and we aren't hearing or listening to them.

I just think that in some cases... (ok I'll use my sitch as the example because I can't speak for everyone) My W never came out and said she was unhappy in our M. She would just bring up little things here and there. But the way she brought them up was not in a proactive way or in a way that "I" would have understood to mean that our M was in trouble. I placed quotation marks around "I" because my W knows me for 20 years and knows how to reach me if she needed to.

In my case, I really did not have any idea that my W was SO UNHAPPY that she was ready to bolt the M. What I felt she did was pussy foot around her unhappiness. Oh, and BTW she is having an A that has been going on for at least 1 year and I truly believe it took her that long to say she was done because the A was heating up and she had to overcome a moral hurdle, and that took considerable time.

Heck, I wasn't particularly happy either but I was not going to jump ship. And if I was close, I would have definitely said something to my W about seeking help before I announced I was done.

I just feel like if my W had come out and said, "I've been telling you for X amount of time that there are things about our R that I am not happy with. And, if we don't do something to work through this, I may end up leaving the M." Had she said that I would have paid attention. There is no doubt in my mind!

So, there's my explanation. I hope it helps to clarify my position. I'd be happy to address any other points you feel are appropriate.