Together since we were 15...Part 2

[Hopeful321]

You go GIRL!!!

[Jenna333]

Posted at the same time, Hopeful!

BFF and I are going to a little hidden gem of a restaurant on Friday, then we're going dancing. Should be fun! Usually I would be very shy and self-concious. Not anymore! I'm just going to live it up and enjoy it. I start an intense program on Tuesday, so for the next 18 months my life is going to be crazy busy. I start job training in February as well. I'm going from a stay at home mom who didn't venture outside of the house much to a full time college student with a part time job! Not to mention I'm a mom to 2 kids Now a single mom. That still stings to say.

[Jenna333]

I don't think I have the desire to work it out with ex anymore. He keeps showing me who he is now and I do not want that person. I'm shocked as heck to feel this way. I think I'm finally gaining self-worth, because "I deserve better than this..." keeps running through my head.

Our interactions today were not positive. It was obvious that I'm angry at him. He was defensive. I wanted him to admit that he was interested in at least the coworker he's texting while we were still together. His response? "Believe whatever you want to rationalize this." He also said he's glad it's over after I said I couldn't trust him. I told him that was a cold thing to say, and he said he didn't mean it and doesn't feel that way. Can you see me twitching? He drives me crazy.

I guess I'm not the type to want to come back after he has/had an EA (and I'm sure he'll start having sex with others before long). I know it didn't progress into anything other than chatter until we were split, but he can deny that the interest was there while we were together all he wants. I don't believe it for a second. I feel very done. I know what my EA did to us.

As he left this afternoon, he told me that I could just look at a guy and he's mine. I just want to punch him. He needs to keep those comments to himself.

I hope this feeling lasts. And I hope it's ok to keep posting here, even though I don't think I want him back anymore? It's nice to 'be around' people who know what I'm going through.

[purgatory]

wow. I'm impressed.

I imagine you feel a combination of relief and nervous... but I like that you've found your confidence again.

Of course you can keep posting here.... who else is going to read my pathetic stories

[Jenna333]

I do feel relief. Lack of trust is the biggest reason why I just can't see myself trying with him again. He would lie to the point where I'd second guess my sanity. It was beyond selfish of him. I want a partner who will be honest with me. I can't fathom him ever being an honest person. He has a good heart, but lying comes too easily for him. I'm not sure I could ever trust him. What do you have without trust?

[Jenna333]

Doing great today! Feeling strong and confident. I had my orientation for school this morning. Pretty overwhelming and indimidating, I must say. I have a huge pile of books on the table next to me (Nursing drug handbook, medical terminology, etc). It's going to be an intense next 16ish months. There are phases rather than semesters, and each phase is 6 weeks long for 3 classes. Yikes! I'm excited, though. I have goals and purpose (other than being a mama to my beautiful kids, of course).

This morning as ex was loading up the kids, I wondered out loud if I needed to bring anything with me to orientation. Ex said, "Nothing but your beautiful smiling face." Ugh. I wish he would stop making comments like that. He also said, "Busy day, huh? Orientation this morning and then going out tonight." He sounded sad. I had lunch with my grams today and she even said, "Well, he knows you're going to get hit on all the time!" LOL. I don't know why he cares. He threw me away.

I feel like I've risen out of a fog. I feel so much better. I truly feel detached from him.

[Jenna333]

Last night was fun, but not fun at the same time. We had a couple shots at my brother's bar after dinner. That was the fun part I couldn't remember the last time I had a shot. I'm not a big drinker, though, so that was all I had for the night. We then went to a bar that has live music a d dancing. Oh man, I was hi on left and right! I was not expecting that. There was one guy who was following me around and kept grabbing at my waist and lower back. Kind of killed the night for me. I was asked to dance a bunch of times and someone asked for my number. I didn't find anywhere there attractive, though, so that was a bummer. I wanted to flirt I was a bit on edge, too, because ex knows where we usually go, and I was worried he'd show up. He didn't, thankfully.

I'm not feeling as strong today. I was feeling pretty sad when I got home last night, wondering what he was doing and feeling sad that he wasn't here.

...Breathe... Reminding myself that I don't trust him, he threw me away and doesn't deserve me, I have school starting soon and can't focus on him anymore, that he isn't the person right now that I'm sad to have lost.

I only got 3 hours of sleep last night. Not cool

[Jenna333]

Cried at my mom's house when I went to get the kids. I hadn't cried in days. I hate when it hits me like that. Just trying to focus on the person that he is now. He gave up on me. On us. He's immature and doesn't take responsibility for his own issues.

I'm watching Under the Tuscan Sun. It's making me feel better Diane Lane's husband was cheating on her and divorced her. Life goes on. She ends up finding happiness again. I want to find happiness.

[Jenna333]

He's here, about to take the kids to the park. He noticed the stamp on my wrist and asked me how much I spent last night. I mentioned that I didn't pay for any drinks and he went off about how it's BS that girls get free drinks and won't talk to any guys unless they buy them drinks. He then apologized and said he's hating on girls right now. I laughed out loud and told him it serves him right that his little texting girlfriends aren't working out. Ugh. We just cannot talk to each other! He said he's curious about my personal life, but he knows he needs to quit asking about it. He asked if I got a new ring and I held up my hands, showing the same ring I always wear. I joked that I got engaged (I figured that's why he asked about a ring) and he said that would just complete his sucky life.

Just so much verbal garbage He made wounded comments about me making out with guys and getting numbers (did not do those things, but it's not his business so I'm not confirming nor denying, kwim?). He said its weird that I'm drinking at all, because I didn't before. I said I took 2 shots and that's all I had all night. He said, "You took shots?! Who the hell are you?!" I would never take shots before. He said we shouldn't hook up with each other anymore (he looked sad), and I told him we already agreed on that last week.

Oh man. He just got the kids in the car and came back in to ask me a question. He was crying. He asked why I never took care of him while we were together He may be acting like a selfish jerk through all of this, but he of course has valid feelings and concerns, just as I do. I told him that I didn't take care of myself, so I wasn't capable of taking care of him. He asked why I didn't want to try. I told him I did, but I didn't know how. I was so enmeshed in the hole I dug myself that I saw no light. I told him that I've learned so much about myself and how to treat others in the past 5 weeks. He looked devastated. I apologized for not taking care of him, and I meant it. When we saying 'taking care of...', we mean doing things that all spouses should do for each other. Cook for them, listen to them, think about their wants/needs just as you think of your own, etc. I neglected him. Now, he lied to me often and killed my trust in him, and that really messed me up emotionally. He knows that. He was good with the taking care of me part when it came to cooking, listening, etc.

All we can do is learn from the mistakes that we've made and move on.

I dug through the bins in the garage today to find my diary from when he left me the first time, 7 years ago when I was 17 and our daughter was a newborn. I think I threw my diaries out years ago, but I found my poetry book. That is one way I processed after he left me the first time. I wrote poems. I sat on the garage floor with the book and cried my eyes out. One of the poems included things I didn't understand. The most important one was how a person can continue to lie to the person they care about That hit me so hard. 7 years later and he left me again. He never stopped lying.

[Hopeful321]

It sounds like our husbands could be brothers. LOL. My H has a problem with texting his female coworkers. In the summer of 2010, I found out he was texting a female coworkers 100 times a day for 3 months. Then when I confronted him about this, he told me it was all business, which was BS. Then within a day or two confronting him, he said the he wanted a divorce. He moved out immediately, but he was still in contact with her.

The last July he told me he wanted a divorce and moved out the very next day. Then shortly after moving out, he started to sleep with another female coworker. We have been separated now for 6 months. And he still can't seem to figure anything out.

Sometimes, I cannot stand technology. It makes it so easy for people to cheat.