Too Little, Too late. 2

[purgatory]

Journal: kinda long, but I could really use some feedback.

I was really anxious about my tests today, and I was disappointed that H, BFF nor anyone else in my family had asked how I was doing or giving words of encouragement. I sent an email to H at his office simply saying: "I'm scared today and I wish I had a friend." (I know, it's pursuing and pathetic) H called me (before he got to the office) and asked how I was doing. I had worked myself up pretty good on the drive to the hospital, and I started to loose it when he asked. He apologized for not being more in tune with me, and that it never crossed his mind that I would be scared because to him- they are just tests. H came to the hospital to be with me. I kept telling myself that it means nothing has changed.

It turns out it was a good thing because I had an allergic reaction to one of the injections (apparently pretty rare) and it was sketchy for a while. It was nice to have him speak for me and be able to pay attention to the doctors. When I was better, we had lunch together.

Then he brought up R talk.... He wanted to talk about his feelings for BFF. (in that moment, I knew that him coming to the hospital wasn't for anything.) We talked about a lot, and I somehow managed to keep it all together- never cried or yelled. I made him aware of exactly how I felt about this and that I hope he really contemplates all the plus/minus of creating this new dynamic amongst our families. H was able to throw in a few reminders that: "our R has changed." "You need to learn to be my friend, but I don't think you're ready for that yet." "I won't look back on our M with regret, I will heal from the hurt and look back at the happy times." "Maybe I'm meaner than I need to be sometimes, but I don't want to ever give you the impression that there's a chance for us in the future."
[question.... does all of this ^^^^ sound like he's really sure of himself? I would like to think that it's more of his 'convincing himself' but, he was calm and looked me right in the eye.] I'm feeling more and more like there's no chance of a R. My H has always put lots of thought into his decisions, because he never wants to go back on them... so it makes me think that there is no amount of time and space and DB that can change his mind.

When H told me about his feelings 2 days ago, I told him that I felt like I needed to escape... so at lunch today, he gave me a conformation number for a hotel room on the beach that he got for me until sunday. I thanked him. Then I asked him if this was so he could have some time with BFF (stupid, I know.) Lots of questions and speculations later..... H has decided that 'if a good time presents itself, he will tell her this weekend.'

I am all over the place with how I feel about this.
On one hand, if she reciprocates the feelings, than I can cut ties with her (probably tell her off a little too). I have told H that if they pursue a R, I will not be around to watch, I will move to Florida until he leaves for Afg.
On the other hand, if she denies him- than I can be comforted that she is loyal to my friendship. I haven't figured out if I can continue a friendship with her knowing that she is the 'OW' for my H... I think I would always be comparing her to myself. BUT- knowing her, she would probably not want to ever be around my H again, knowing how he feels.

I really have no idea what she will say. I haven't spoken to her since Wednesday. Even though she hasn't confessed to feelings for H, I still feel betrayed. Her actions/words were done in a way that allowed H's feelings to grow for her. I feel like she should have been more aware of her interactions with H so that there was never any confusion.

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I am really struggling with the magnitude of the depression that has come over me. I am not strong enough to deal with all this: My M is over, H doesn't want anything to do with me, my health issues and impending diagnosis, H being deployed to AFG for over a year, getting comfortable with the fact that H will want to date soon, and NOW H has feelings for my BFF and she might reciprocate the feelings.

I am overwhelmed with sadness and loneliness. I cried the whole way home from the hospital (H and I were in separate cars, but I noticed that he stayed 2 car lengths behind me the entire way, even when I tried to take a different route; I would like to think it's because he knew I was upset and he was concerned.)

I am questioning why God thinks I can handle all of this???