Wife Left Part 3

[adinva]

Glad to see your response to my provoking statement. I think it's important to live for you, be a fascinating person on your own, be someone on your own. Your earlier statement that there wasn't anything new you wanted to do other than be married was something I hoped you'd explore further and revise.

Back when I was dating, some guys wanted to just enjoy being with me doing whatever I wanted to do. It was like there was no person there, just a reflection of me. I did not like that, and certainly didn't take it as caring as they probably intended. This is where I get the "lazy" idea. Far more interesting to me were the guys who had their own exciting lives and were interested in sharing them with me.

As the parent of teens I can't GAL by focusing on them because they do not want or need that from me. It would be too much responsibility to lay on them that my having a life depends on their willingness to do stuff with me. Others with smaller kids can do that, but I wonder if it's better for you to find some GAL things that are just for you. (Of course, keep doing wonderful things with your son too, that's important but it's not all there is to GAL.)

[CO1978]

One thing that has always attracted woment to me (especially my W) is that I have had such a fun and interesting life. She wanted to do the thing I did.

So its not ME doing new things, but it is me living MY life. She gets to enjoy things I have already done and I get to enjoy things I love doing even more because she enjoys it also.

As I said, I never just sat around and said, "W, what do YOU want to do today?" I usually asked her if she wanted to try something I had already done, and mixed something that I know she loves doing in with it.

[adinva]

Glad to see your response to my provoking statement. I think it's important to live for you, be a fascinating person on your own, be someone on your own. Your earlier statement that there wasn't anything new you wanted to do other than be married was something I hoped you'd explore further and revise.

Back when I was dating, some guys wanted to just enjoy being with me doing whatever I wanted to do. It was like there was no person there, just a reflection of me. I did not like that, and certainly didn't take it as caring as they probably intended. This is where I get the "lazy" idea. Far more interesting to me were the guys who had their own exciting lives and were interested in sharing them with me.

As the parent of teens I can't GAL by focusing on them because they do not want or need that from me. It would be too much responsibility to lay on them that my having a life depends on their willingness to do stuff with me. Others with smaller kids can do that, but I wonder if it's better for you to find some GAL things that are just for you. (Of course, keep doing wonderful things with your son too, that's important but it's not all there is to GAL.)

[Mach1]

So its not ME doing new things, but it is me living MY life. She gets to enjoy things I have already done and I get to enjoy things I love doing even more because she enjoys it also.

As I said, I never just sat around and said, "W, what do YOU want to do today?" I usually asked her if she wanted to try something I had already done, and mixed something that I know she loves doing in with it.

Really ?

Read the above in bold and tell me how that makes you feel...

Is that the way it always was ?

That you were so interesting that women should bow to you and what you are involved in ?

I'm not buying that, sorry...

You stated in other threads that you were OCD, and you were working on that...

How ?


I know you feel like I am beating you up here , and I know you probably cringe when you see my name pop up on your thread.

I can tell you this...

The things that people get defensive and argumentative about....those are the things that need to be looked at.

Those things not only send up a Red Flag with other posters, but they send up a Red Flag within yourself. Hence the defensiveness.


I also don't think that this is even about you getting out and achieving goals anymore.

This is about how you dealing with OCD/controlling behaviors.


So answer me this...

How are you working to change those patterns ?

[CO1978]

So its not ME doing new things, but it is me living MY life. She gets to enjoy things I have already done and I get to enjoy things I love doing even more because she enjoys it also.

As I said, I never just sat around and said, "W, what do YOU want to do today?" I usually asked her if she wanted to try something I had already done, and mixed something that I know she loves doing in with it.

Read the above in bold and tell me how that makes you feel...

Is that the way it always was ?

That you were so interesting that women should bow to you and what you are involved in ?

Really ?

That didn't come out the way I meant it to. I know my words always get me into trouble on these threads. I don't really take offense to it, its all a learning experience.

Of corse I asked her if there was something she wanted to do. I meant to say it wasn't everyday I just sat around and said "W, what do you want to do today."

I asked her what she wanted to do, as often as I suggested things to do. I also respected her opinion when she suggested and wanted to do things.

I do regret I didn't do as many things as she wanted to do when she asked for me to do them. (Its on my list.)

[Mach1]

Things rarely go over electronically the way we intend them to..

So lets start fresh...

What lights YOUR fire...

No BS, No excuses...

What do YOU enjoy doing ???

[CO1978]

This is about how you dealing with OCD/controlling behaviors.

So answer me this...

How are you working to change those patterns ?

Good question. I was told I was very controlling on money, and my OCD issues on little things as loading the dishwasher to refilling ice trays.

I was very picky with the money asking for receipts for everything, so I could categorize everything on Microsoft money.

I still use Microsoft money, but I cut the number of categories down from like 100 to about 30.

The dishwasher, that thing is still fighting me a bit, but I will defeat it. I now load it different every time. Some times I have to catch myself loading it "the right way", and I move stuff around. As I said its sinking in that there is no right way!

I also read somewhere that just changing the route you drive to work could help change your entire day. I may try that.

Routines are great, but a routine for everything, a schedule for everything, itinerary for everything is not normal, and I see that now and am breaking those habits by just not doing them. Spontaneous is sometimes good!

It is strange how OCD and perfectionism made me such a great Marine, but hurt my marriage.

The other day when my W and I had a long talk we discussed my perfectionist attitude. We talked about loading the dishwasher or refilling the ice trays. We laughed and when told her there is no right way, I can't believe I got upset about those things.

Something I realized was:

*Everybody has their own view of perfection, there is no true perfection, don’t expect perfection.

*Do set agreements on standards with each other

*Share housework (do it together) so you both know each other’s standards

*ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

I am not saying I am cured from my OCD, but I am on the right track. That is why I keep recommending the book "The Four Agreements" to everyone, it truly changed my life.

Mach1 keep coming at me I like this, and need a slap every now and then.

[CO1978]

Haha, what do I enjoy doing?

I love spending time with my S, my friends and family.

I used to love just kicking back and enjoying a beer in the bar and relaxing. (used to because I'm sober for 72 days now)

I love playing and watching sports, going to sporting events, comedy shows.

I like watching movies at home or at a movie theater.

I like going to Japanese Hibachi grills.

Sometimes I enjoy being a couch potato watching TV or kicking back and playing video games or playing on the computer.

I like exercise: running, hiking, biking, weight training, etc.

I AM DOING AS MUCH OF THESE THINGS AS POSSIBLE! Right now, money is a little tight because of Christmas, some are hard to do because I have my S some nights, and some are hard to do because of winter.

[Mach1]

Haha, what do I enjoy doing?

I love spending time with my S, my friends and family.

I used to love just kicking back and enjoying a beer in the bar and relaxing. (used to because I'm sober for 72 days now)

I love playing and watching sports, going to sporting events, comedy shows.

I like watching movies at home or at a movie theater.

I like going to Japanese Hibachi grills.

Sometimes I enjoy being a couch potato watching TV or kicking back and playing video games or playing on the computer.

I like exercise: running, hiking, biking, weight training, etc.

I AM DOING AS MUCH OF THESE THINGS AS POSSIBLE! Right now, money is a little tight because of Christmas, some are hard to do because I have my S some nights, and some are hard to do because of winter.

I'm gonna call BS on the last paragraph....just cause I can...

Those sound like excuses...


Your Son is 4....correct ???

FIND A WAY, to incorporate him into those things too...

(except for the Bar thing, that might not be your best option )

Let HIM teach you how to live through his eyes....

Get to know him on HIS level, and let him teach you how to live right now...

Nothing is impossible to a child.

Can you push a stroller while you run ?

Can you watch movies with him ?

Can you teach him about sports ? ( Although you may be an Iggles fan, so football may be out of the question )

Does he eat ? The show is 3/4 the fun at those places...

STOP MAKING EXCUSES....


And let him show you how to trash a room in 2.5 seconds....THAT is cheap therapy buddy....

I love this quote....

To be a memory in your child's mind tomorrow, you have to be present in their life today...



How are you willing to do that ????

[CO1978]

Can you push a stroller while you run?

I do most of my running on treadmill in winter, but when I work out at home he watches and mimics me

Can you watch movies with him ?

I do watch movies with him, looking at taking him to movies next weekend

Can you teach him about sports ? ( Although you may be an Iggles fan, so football may be out of the question )

Not and Eagles fan, though my team is worse. We play catch in the house with both football and baseball. I don't really like him swing bat in house, so gotta wait for spring for that.

Does he eat ? The show is 3/4 the fun at those places...

I haven't been to a hibachi since I quit drinking. The squirting of sake into your mouth is a huge temptation and gotta avoid that for now until I feel more comfortable about my sobriety.

STOP MAKING EXCUSES....


And let him show you how to trash a room in 2.5 seconds....THAT is cheap therapy buddy....

Dumping legos and bringing all his toys out and cleaning up is a daily routine. I do play with him when he brings his toys out.

I love this quote....

To be a memory in your child's mind tomorrow, you have to be present in their life today...

How are you willing to do that ????

The one thing that I will say is a positive about W leaving me is I am a much better father now than I was. My W, my MIL and all my friends have all commented on it. There was a time I NEVER took my S anywhere without my W.

Now as I said before I try to go out somewhere with him once a week for fun. I even go grocery shopping with him (2 thing in 1 I never did put together).