Separation Helped So Far..

[anyhope]

(original thread under infidelity 'do I stay or do I go')

Not much has happened except h and ow are no longer in a 'relationsip' on Facebook.
Ow promptly posted a poem about 'you'll never find another like me'

As we stand now im not sure if h is looking as he wants me back, though I should mention he kept the phone calls minimal the last 2 days, but this morning a friend called to talk.. He clearly just woke up asking me what's going on, what's going on with h.. Are we getting back together, I'd bet any money h had him call me to ask as he knows I tell this guy everything, too bad I could see right though him, plus I know how he is cuz he used to update me on ow all the time and how they're realtionship is going and trying to convince h to drop her and come back to me a few months back.. Amazing how things can change over a few months.

[imthemom]

The OW posting that poem makes me sick.....they are sick twisted people, so damaged they dont care what they have done...

[anyhope]

Agreed, don't care or fail to understand I dont know. But I found it a bit funny.. I mean their "relationship" if it's over for real, tho she still lives with him, lasted 6 months.. Im sure shes not 'unreplaceable' but I guess she'll try a few tricks still..

[anyhope]

I spoke to a friend today and like all friends she asked what was going on between us. I said nothing, everything is still the same.
She started telling me some things that he said to her about us and me and ow. I was on speaker while she was changing her baby so I didn't quite understand if what she was saying took place recently 2 weeks ago or less. The point is that at one point he said to her that he was never really in love with me, and how ow is so amazing, cooks amazing and folds his clothes.. Now.. I'm not the best cook on the planet I will say that right now, but Im not bad, I've always folded his clothes, in fact I remember the very first time I have folded his clothes he was so happy and impressed and I thought to myself, poor guy, no one ever folded his clothes before?

Before he dropped the bomb he'd call me every day around the same time asking if thered be any food when he got home. I always said yes, he usually wasn't happy with the food for one reason or the other. I remember making chicken breasts one day, he came home looked at it, sat with an unimpressed face and said he would have liked it cut up with veggies like a teriyaki.. The next day I made that, he came home, again unimpressed face, he would've liked the way I made it yesterday.. And he'd have a fight with me often about me not cooking.. Not doing anything to be exact.. How do you argue with that? I said to him that from now on I won't do anything and maybe he will take notice, but I eat, I make myself food do laundry so not gonna put aside his and will clean as I can't live in his mess so on we went..

So my friend said that she told him that I must have been good at something if he was with me for 9yrs and he had nothing to say. (it is not sex btw, sex also sucked for the past few years)

Speaking of sex.. I went to a few doctors thinking I had a hormonal unbalance as I didn't know why but I didn't want to have sex with him. Now I realized it wasnt because I didn't like him or he wasnt good anymore.. It was simply that I was missing something.. And the last doctor I went to re my low sex drive told me that it must be something he's not giving me and I was thinking that can't be.. Well it is.. It's all emotional, I was missing the feeling of being liked, or loved, missed feelings a woman needs to feel in order to be sexual and comfortable about it.. I quickly learned while on recent vacation that there is nothing wrong with me, no hormonal imbalance just need a man who likes me..

With that in mind I don't know if there is a reason any reason for me to return to this marriage, do I want to live like that? With a judgemental husband who is very capable of saying nice things to a woman, too bad I had to find out by finding the emails he sent to ow. I had myself convinced that he just wasn't that romantic kind of guy and kills me to know after all these years that he is, just not with me..

My heart is broken not only because he had sex with someone else but because I feel like I was living a lie for so many years and settled.. And to top it all off he wants me back.. What for? Because he's used to me? I'm having trouble communicating this to him because it makes me too angry and can't finish... I don't know...

[anyhope]

H cut back on asking if we could work on us, cut back to about once a week. Its doable. My answer is still the same however given the break he's been giving me asking we talked quite a bit (about nothing) went out last weekend, he wanted to go with me but I said I'd only go if a friend came, so we took a friend. I even mentioned that we could go see a movie ( I'm not trying to get reconcile at this point because I can't, but just as friends I figured) he got really excited and had called every day to ask if we're going today so the more he called the more annoyed I got and figured he must be getting the wrong idea and we didn't go yet.

Another set back just recently, he's been calling all day again, and asked to give him another chance again during the last call, I said what I always say, I get really really mad when he doesn't get that I can't give him another chance. I asked why didn't he give me another chance when I asked for it (after he cheated) so he said he's ready now and I said that it's perfect because now I'm no longer interested. And he keeps asking if it will change and I keep saying I don't know.. I do think about it every day but I keep thinking that he never loved me and I prove it to myself too, I don't trust him (no wonder), I can't imagine having him as my husband in my life, feels like something has stopped whitin me and those strong feelings I felt to make us work a few months ago are no longer..

So anyways, long story short I'm really upset right now... No major changes..

[sayitaintso]

Sounds like your in a tough spot AH. I'm having my doubts that if my waw ever wants to R that I don't know if I want to. She hasn't to my knowledge done much work on herself and their is a lot of anger and resentment we'll have to deal with.

Wishing you the best!! No rush in any of this, can you ask for some more space/time?

[kml]

Ummm....did OW move out of his apartment yet? If not, I wouldn't be talking to him at all!

[anyhope]

Ok, so I don't know where to start and to answer your questions above, yes I could ask for more space and time as I have before but finds a reason to call and after he hasn't called for a few days I pick up because I don't feel like I'm being pressured, but then he'd most likely ask if I want to get back together, and no ow is still there, so it's not something I overlook, there will be no option of reconciling until she's there or even after sometime after.. As messed up as their 'relationship' is its been going for quite some time.. God knows how he'd do without her.. What if he'd go mad again and change his mind just as he did when I moved, I mean nothing will surprise me anymore.

He took the dog and I had a cold and it was like -25 outside so I didn't mind, except he kept him for about a week, just brought him home today and it was very lonely without him (the dog I mean)
When they came he sat on the couch and my dog, I swear to God had that look in his eyes like he wanted to be together. He sat beside H, very close and kept staring at me sometimes turning his head looking at him and putting his head on h's shoulders.. I have never seen anything like this. H said he agreed he was clearly suggesting that (of course he'd say that) I looked at the dog and said, no I'm sorry and then told h that kids always prefer that the parents stay together because they don't fully understand what's going on.

Later I went on Facebook and was chatting with a friend who recently found me there and we touched the subject of why I'm single, what happened and what not..
Also yesterday I found a beautiful song that's supposed to be erotic/ romantic but I swear I hear a tone of sadness in it. It is called love in Spain - cafe del mar on YouTube for those who might be interested.. Anyhow while chatting I had the song running over and over..

So I was telling my friend what happened, not in fine detail, but I told him whatever was important and him being a family man (a few yrs younger than my husband) said how he hoped he'd never betray his family like that, and how committed he is and so on.. Now I'm not sure if it was the fact of me bringing up what happened or the song playing that touched me, but we finished chatting and I stared out of my head and started crying.. I have not cried for months and now I cried hard.. Can't really even say what I cried about... The fact that there are still committed men out there.. It's just that my husband is not one of them.. I cried that aside from how he keeps saying he wants to be with me he still lives with ow. I don't want to ask him about her all the time.. Or at all really and last time he brought up the subject he said he told her to leave but can't put her on the street and she has nowhere to go, she looking.. Well, I still think she'll be looking for a long time, so whatever h says, they are still together.. So I don't know but I cried and felt weak like I haven't felt for months.

I was thinking if a family oriented man is so much to ask for.. H is not family oriented, I don't see him ever be, he's 40.. It's not like he'll change at this age.. Or could he? Anyways I felt a major headache from all the crying so took some painkillers right away, ate chocolate and a bunch of grilled cheese sandwiches to 'make me feel better' I wanted to go to sleep then realized the dog was home and I have to take him out still, so I pulled myself together and out we went, had a nice walk in the rain and the fresh air was nice.. Feeling somewhat better now, but.. God.. I want to be strong, stronger than this..

[anyhope]

Sorry about the typos and unclear parts.. I guess I'm still a bit upset..

[kml]

H is not family oriented, I don't see him ever be, he's 40.. It's not like he'll change at this age.. Or could he?

No - he's not going to change.

And I would tell him not to speak to me AT ALL until OW is GONE. End of discussion.