WAS: I am going out with my friends and leaving my spouse to take care of the kids.
LBS: I can't believe my spouse is leaving me home with the kids.
or
WAS: I am going out with my friends and leaving my spouse to take care of the kids.
LBS: I get to spend alone time with my kids!
It IS a matter of perspective.
The WAS perspective did not change. It may appear as though they are taking advantage of the LBS.
The LBS gets to CHOOSE whether they want to feel victim or if they want to feel gratitude.
When we are in resistance, it's a fight between two people and a win/loose situation of who is getting the upper hand.
When we are in acceptance, there becomes no fight. Any possible negative intention of the WAS is deflated in one fell swoop of a positively intended attitude and choice of the LBS.
What is the litmus test for being (or allowing yourself to be) a doormat. It's kind of in the eye of the beholder, isn't it?
The test I always used was, when the actions that I was facing, sacrificed my core values.
But then again, one has to know them self well enough to clearly define those values, to know the difference.
It is a circular - chicken or egg - kind of debate.
I do feel that fear can cause a lot of LBS to become a doormat, regardless of their core if they choose to not face those fears and address things from a rational point of view, instead of an emotional point of view.
Early in nearly every situation, are the times that the LBS SHOULD lay down the boundaries, to avoid later behaviors becoming a problem, yet most are paralyzed by the fear that one more wrong thing will doom their situation, or that one magic thing they do correctly will "fix" their situation, that they simply cannot know that fine line.
Grit will be along with some sort of philosophical "you're a doormat if you think you're a doormat" post I'm sure
I basically agree with Mach (shhhhh)!
Being a doormat is the result of not being able to set or enforce boundaries. Being able to set and enforce boundaries is a result of being strong in your knowledge of who you are and what you stand for.
The fear of not restoring the situation is paralyzing, especially if you've only ever defined your adult self as a spouse (and parent, in a two parent environment). It's kind of like "being a doormat" is a necessary part of the process for most of us, because it seems that many of us lost our way too.
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Yeah. good conversation! It's interesting. I have stong feelings about this, but have an hard time articulating them.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
... When we are in acceptance, there becomes no fight. Any possible negative intention of the WAS is deflated in one fell swoop of a positively intended attitude and choice of the LBS.
Yep. If one can stop contributing to negative perceptions (and eventually even create some positive ones), you leave nothing substantial for the WAS to resent.
In order for the WAS to push back, s/he needs something to push against.
I only remember two things from physics class:
E=mc2 and you can't push on a string.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
The test I always used was, when the actions that I was facing, sacrificed my core values.
But then again, one has to know them self well enough to clearly define those values, to know the difference.
It is a circular - chicken or egg - kind of debate.
Very well put, Mach. A good example of one of those things that I believe, but you've articulated it so well!
to hear more perspectives.