The Last Resort, 2weeks and nothing :(

[Accuray]

I guess that's where my head is right now kolja. It's been a painful journey. When I read what W said to OM, I thought "I want that". When I discovered I can't have that, it was very hard until I realized "that" doesn't really exist.

How's that for confusing?

Accuray

[hope2011]

I am really bad at snooping too. I found out my H had joined 3 dating sites last year and was talking to and trying to meet other women (I contacted them all and they all were very open and forwarded me everything and told me H never met any of them in person). I also found a pair of panties in one of his drawers he swore belong to his XW that he didn't know he'd kept. I'll never know the truth to that one.

Now, I find myself getting ulcers over worry about everything. Not trusting him at all. Always wandering what he's doing on the computer, who he's talking to, where he's at, etc - even when I KNOW he's not doing anything wrong. The trust is broken and that's hard to get over.

I agree with Accuray that they are "selling themselves"... the people they portray to OW/OM are not who they are. It's all a fantasy. They pretend to be the people they want to be. In my H's notes on the dating site, he was 2 inches taller, 5 years younger, wants kids, makes a lot of money, owns a yacht, etc. He wasn't out looking for "real love", he was looking for a band-aid to escape his life. According to him we were "separated" so it was all ok in his mind (another long story). In my situation I confronted him, with all of it and he came clean and decided he wanted to try to fix the marriage. My H sees me as a pushover so that was a 180 for me.

And I kept it all in case we D. I don't look at it, don't reread it because it breaks my heart and makes me hate H and want to give up. But if we do D, I have proof of infidelity and will not roll over. Maybe I will never have to use it and H doesn't even know I kept it all (including the panties) but I know. Is that good DB? Probably not. But it is being smart.

[Hopeful321]

Hi Veroprado,

I can give you a bit more perspective looking forward. I too had the misfortune of reading some of W's love letters to OM. She was very affectionate and introspective with him. W had never been that affectionate or open with me, she was always more guarded.

When we started piecing, I desperately wanted the affection I had seen her share with OM. I tried to engage her via e-mail the way he had, but I would either get no response, or one-word answers.

In staying solution focused, one thing to think about is that you may never "get" what you read H sending to OW, and to the degree that you can train yourself not to expect it you'll be better off.

It became a real issue for me for quite a while and was destructive to reconciliation -- not that I made a big deal about it with W, it just tore me up inside.

My IC had this to share: the things that we say and do when we're courting or flirting are a version of ourselves that we cannot maintain. What my W (or your H) was "selling" to OM/OW is not something they can reasonably deliver on longer term, nor do they necessarily want to. They are engaged in a fairy tale, and that fairy tale will end.

The point is, I thought I was being denied my "real W" and she was only showing that to OM. In fact it was reversed, I was getting the real W, and OM was getting a fantasy.

Hope that helps! I second everyone else's sentiment that the more you snoop, the more you will hurt. Better not to look!

Accuray

This has helped me. I found some text messages to different women from my H, and I wish he would say those things to me. I have not said anything to him, but it is eating me up on the inside.

[2chiquitos]

It helps to know he's pretending to be someone he's not. When we talked about it he said sometimes he writes her things things and later doesn't feel that way. He says he doesn't know why he does it. I was and still am so hurt. I feel like I'm going through it all over again.
The only plus side is that he proposed we go to a retreat together. Not a couples retreat. He said. I suggested we go to coparenting counseling. He agreed. It's been almost 6mos since DD and I'm emotionally drained.

[angel61]

I share the same experience - My H, who never was verbal or affectionate with me, was the so emotional with OW. It blew my mind (and even his siblings minds) when we saw how he was writing to her.

Now we are in piecing too, and I am doing exactly what Accuray is doing - sending nice emails and texts. All to no avail. No responses from H, or at most a very down to earth one. But still he maintains that he is working on our M and wants it to succeed! To the point that he is willing to go to do a monthly session for life with Retrouvaille.

Its getting me frustrated, but seeing how it is the same with you, I feel better about it! Also, I think about how actions will speak louder than words....

[2chiquitos]

Our son (3yo) is sick and our 5mos old also wants my attention so today I got ballsy and asked him to cancel his spin class and stay the evening. He said, do u want me to spend the night? I called choked. I said yeah if ur ok w it I would appreciate it.
Now why am I so angry?? I want to tell him. Don't you dare f- touch ur cell cuz if u do I'm calling that b- up and tell her off. I don't give a f- if that bothers you cuz I don't give a rats a- if you don't come back!
Wow, I feel better already!
Oh and I'll also say, like hell ur sleeping on the couch! Ur sleepin in the bed with the 3 of us! Cabron! Ok, my Latina came out!

[2chiquitos]

I said things I shouldn't. It was an awful nite

[2chiquitos]

Has anyone done this? We had our 1st session last week. Did it not only help w parenting but ur relationship?

[2thepoint]

I have no experience with this. However, I would suspect that improving the R to a point where co-parenting can be effective would be an expected outcome. Hoping for anything beyond that is probably not a good idea. I mean if it happens great, but you should not have any expectations.

So how did your first session go? Was your S cooperative? Any new insights? Please share for the benefits of others.

[2chiquitos]

T had us talk about how we parented our son. It was difficult because it reminded me of everything we went through. While I hemoraged minutes after labor, our newborn was struggling to breathe. Our son had many medical problems and a couple life threatening scares. We talked about how we both dealt with it differently. He wanted his family close and I wanted no one around. This affected our relationship. It saddens me to hear how important and hurt he was by how I reacted. Had I known, we could have combined our values. Instead I pushed my ideas and he went along.
Overall, I wanted to scream! "after everything we've been thru- how could you throw it all away!"