Grace, Love, Compassion, & Faith - It ain't easy!

[Valeska19]

Thank you for your concern gentlemen! ((( ))) to you both.

I'm spending some time with myself. Looking deep within my own feelings and talking to God about what are the next steps for me.

I feel that I have let go of my anger towards my wife. This does not mean that I do not feel anger. (I'm trying to settle my own Cobra insurance this week and it brought up a lot of feelings of anger) …….

…… however I know the anger is more about being hurt. My w hurt me deeply and nothing more than time and a constant weight on my heart to forgive her - will mend the deep wounds she has caused.

In the meantime, I will ask for assistance when these moments arise because I know I am not out of the fire.

I have not acted on my anger once in the past 8 months… I don't intend to start now.

If I believe my w's words to be true and she is indeed still running… there is not much I can do about it. I accept that this is her path. I accept that I CAN'T STOP her from running. Her running is caused by her own demons… until she can face them, she will always run.

I pray that one day she stops. I will continue to pray that God changes her heart.

What does that mean for me?

Well for 9 months… I have stood still. This does not mean that I haven't moved forward - I just haven't moved either towards or away from wife.

I have learned a ton about myself and my codependency. I have realized that who my wife convinced me that I was… I'm actually not.

I have blamed myself and I have blamed her… and the although I would love to take 50% of the blame of everything that went wrong in the marriage… the real blame that I can truly take is that I allowed her addiction to infect me as well and allow it to turn my love into fear. It planted such fear, that my soul always prepared for the worst… Thus creating the very things she complained about… my negativity, my neediness, etc.

Do I believe I also contributed to my negativity and neediness??? .. absolutely… but it feels very different now that the fear is diminishing. It feels very different now that she is out of my life.

I believe that I have such a hard time detaching from my wife is because of the work I am doing on myself.

Every step forward means confronting my fears - which when your w is behind a lot of it.. means confronting her. It's a rinse and repeat of

Why do I feel this way (prompted by a certain event - not necessarily even related to w)?
Discovery of how w treated me (and I allowed it) that caused the feeilng
Anger at myself and her
Forgiveness of what happened
Acceptance
Trying to change the dynamic

The last three work together.

As 25 told me months ago… I'm awake… and I can move forward with the knowledge of what happened and how to change it.

I know I won't go back….and now I feel like I can't stand still. I feel like I have done all the work I can whilst waiting. Now it feels like it's time start moving forward.

Maybe it's time to walk away from w. It feels that I should because that is what is needed to heal. I'm ready to set new boundaries.

I don't want to see her on FB. I have sat on this hamsterwheel for months. Her being my friend shows her how I GAL, and how I'm doing great combined with the fear of cutting the only thread I have left.

So I haven't been on my FB in a week.. and to tell you the truth.. I feel less stressed. I miss checkin on my friends and posting, but not having to worry about signing on when she does and then wondering if today she reach out or not.. is great.

It's great being off that rollercoaster. It's great to not feel the hurt or the fear.

I'm also in NC with her unless it is an emergency. As part as the LRT - I let her initiate all contact… but I responded promptly unless I needed to think about the D stuff.

But lately she asks questions about nothing and strikes up conversation afterwards. I do not know her intentions but because I never thought of those kind of conversations as "Convo starters"… I want to believe she asks cause she cares at some level.

But maybe she's just nosy, or uncomfortable. Who knows.. who cares.. the problem is me and my expectations.

Besides the emotional up and down of contacting me about nothing vs. something.. I just don't like how she digs at me and my family. I have posted on it before so no need to rehash it all.. but to me…..

….. it feels like the old w.

And although she may be changing and yes JS, I cannot help her with that.. I can set up some boundaries and I can stop talking to her.

I feel like I deserve better.

For example… Yesterday, she called and said

"Hey, its W. Give me a call when you get this. Talk to you soon. Bye"

Up until November, she has only been emailing.. then she started texting, now she is calling. When she wants about whatever she wants.

I guess maybe some would argue this is progress… I just don't see it that way. I see it as another way of control. I mean other than the FB comment about JoePa, she only talks to me about D. Why would I want to call her back about that?

If it was an emergency, she would tell me right?

Btw - it's really hard to not call her back still. To not come racing in even if it means I hurt myself. To try to stop the convincing myself that maybe her heart has changed or she may actually want to be in my life. To stop the "how's she's gonna feel about me ignoring her call".

So until I have answers for myself… I need to not be in contact with her. Because ^^^^ is NOT healthy.

And that's all I care about.. is getting better.

So that's a LONG peek into my mind of this past week. Thoughts welcomed of course… assuming you made it through the whole post.