Down Again - Is he done yet?

[PEI]

DU, I don't know you well (we have some close mutual friends) but I have followed along so I want to offer my thoughts ...

First ...

I'm sorry you are hurting. All of this has been a struggle for you and I hope you continue to reach out, not just here but IRL as well.

Second ...

I feel like everything I have done for me, our M, and him are pointless.

If all that you have done has truly been for you then you would know in your heart that none of it was pointless. Sweetie, any work you've done on you has moved you forward ... that doesn't mean, however, that you won't ever feel hurt or pain. What it means is that you know you can heal from it. You have that strength.

Third ...

I tried to initaite s$x but he turned me down and why I asked if there was a problem, that when he told me he wasn't attracted to me because I seemed "off" - detached. Then he said that sometimes he feels as though I still doubt his honesty about the OW and that turns him off. I felt insulted and we got into a discussion. I feel like he is projecting his thoughts on me.

What I heard when I read that, without the defensiveness that comes from being so close to a situation, was this ... he doesn't feel connected to you. As women, we often crave emotional connection first and then sex follows, men are usually credited with the opposite. Unfortunately, this sometimes does a disservice to men, who truly are also emotional beings. I'm not saying what he said to you wasn't hurtful or insensitive, but perhaps the message is what's important right now. He feels like you still don't trust him re OW/telling the truth and he doesn't feel connected.

One of the biggest issues I had in the beginning was learning to NOT get defensive when someone tried to share with me what they were feeling. It was hard. The thing is though, I often missed the message because I was so focussed on how I felt as a result of what they were saying.

Food for thought ...

(((hugs)))
PEI