This is just a part of the process. A lot can happen before the papers are filed and processed.
In the mean time, this is the time when we learn just as much of what we are made. This is the time when we let go, lovingly. And where we also let go any anger, resentment, and bitterness that we might want to feel.
That stuff can kill us and certainly isn't healthy for us.
Instead of casting judgment on your W, work to find it in yourself to accept this is the path that she is choosing (at this time) and support her (but you don't have to help her or do it for her) in achieving her goals. Like you would help any friend achieve their goals.
It is up to you how you want to handle this. There continues to be no right or wrong. Just choices, dignity, and integrity.
KD's post to Snowman struck a chord with me.
In a sense, my sit is similar to Snowman.
Finances are an issue between W and I. After the birth of our first child, 26 years ago, I was the soul bread winner. Neither of us considered the money that came in as "yours" and "mine." We didn't spend a cent without consulting each other.
About 10 years ago, I started working from home. Our kids (except for our autistic son) were independent enough that they didn’t need her constant attention, and since I was at home, I could take over a large part of caring for S2 (autistic), so W went back to school, and then back to work.
So, now, W had “her own money.” I never considered “my” money to be anything other than “ours.”
For the most part, I still don’t, but I have indulged myself on occasion. The biggy was a trip to Asia with D1. That one didn’t particularly bother my W, but she gets her back up anytime I express my discomfiture with her spending. In fact, I don’t have a problem with her expenditures – whether on herself or for family purposes. My problem is that she just goes ahead and spends without so much as telling me.
Basically, W got a life, and to her, my only purpose on this planet is to facilitate that. We no longer do anything together. No longer consult on family issues. She does her thing on the assumption that I’ll take care of S2 whilst she’s out.
I’m lonely!
So... I hear all those DB-ers out there telling me to “get a pair,” “don’t be a doormat,” stand up to her. GAL. Protect yourself.
Here’s the kicker. I don’t believe that following her lead is consistent with being the Andy I want to be.
There continues to be no right or wrong. Just choices, dignity, and integrity.
There’s no right or wrong in the sense that I am right, and W is wrong. However, for my own sense of dignity and integrity, I have to do what I believe in. In other words, W has to do what she thinks is right. And regardless of what she believes, I have to do what I think is right.
