Husband Left...Part 4

[CO1978]

Agreed, when you have daughter, go dark. Tell him when you get her, that you will contact him if anything bad happens, otherwise don't expect to hear from you.

[Hopeful321]

That's the thing, when I have her, I don't hear from him or very little.

What I need to do, is when he has D, go dark unless it's important.

I could not sleep last night. Cried myself to sleep. Then finally fell asleep and then dreamed of H all night long.

[Hopeful321]

Do I tell him that I can't handle being with him all weekend when he has our D and then I don't hear from him after that? Or do I just go dark?

[hope2011]

Just go dark. Telling him youre going dark and why defeats the purpose of going dark.

[Hopeful321]

Ok. I know this is going to sound dumb, but I am going to ask anyways. When you say go dark, what exactly does that mean? Does it mean no contact at unless it is regarding our D or does it mean minimum contact?

Also, another dumb question, how can I make him earn his way back into my life?

H called me tonight and we talked for about 20 min. He talked about our D, his mother and misc other stuff. It was nice. Then he told me that his sister is coming into town on Sunday and wants me to join them Monday night for a family dinner. I did accept that because I would like to see his sister as well.

He told me that he got his haircut tonight. On my way home from class, I had to stop and pickup some clothes for our D and he got his haircut the way I like it. Last weekend I did comment how short he used to wear his hair and I thought he looked good that way. So he did it.

[2thepoint]

Check out the content in this LINK starting with Bustorama's post on 12/31/2011 at 1:47pm then page forward from there. Lots of good stuff on going dark and detaching.

Also, check out the video clip in the same thread. I think the answer to your second question is in there.

[Hopeful321]

Thank you, I will.

[25yearsmlc]

Ok. I know this is going to sound dumb, but I am going to ask anyways. When you say go dark, what exactly does that mean? Does it mean no contact at unless it is regarding our D or does it mean minimum contact?

to me having minimum contact means only emergencies or for the d...same thing. Go dark like he does on you...let him THINK you are GAL b/c I don't see you doing that and if he at least thought you were it would be a start.



Also, another dumb question, how can I make him earn his way back into my life?




you cannot MAKE him or anyone else do or feel or act any way...

we have said thousands of times here, literally, that WE only control OURSELVES

you only control you....do you get that? That means your question skips over CHUNKS of our whole belief system...???

you can only change you...period...and since a m is made up of 2 people in a relationship, then if ONE of them changes, the relationship changes...by definition.

This is DB 101...not to be harsh but what don't you get by this?

You cannot go dark AND try to "Make" him x or y, so lose the illusion that you can force him to feel something,bc if you could, you would have!....

so detach, go dark and see if that helps him miss you or pursue you more.
I mean you are all over the place. On one hand, You want to go dark and you want to disappear when he had d, but also you are going out with him for dinner...
Just GAL when he has D.

Having conversations without arguing IS a good step. Keep that going --and do NOT freak when he has D and does not call you.

I'd go dark at those times but then when you do interact, you are warm and upbeat so you give hiim soemthing to miss.

But do NOT be available to him to help with D or he'll never learn what it takes to calm her down b/c he'll always always call you to bail him out and

in the long run you will be harming THEIR Relationship believe it or not. HE needs to learn this so you need to back off.

H called me tonight and we talked for about 20 min. He talked about our D, his mother and misc other stuff. It was nice. Then he told me that his sister is coming into town on Sunday and wants me to join them Monday night for a family dinner. I did accept that because I would like to see his sister as well.

This^^^ sounds good to me

He told me that he got his haircut tonight. On my way home from class, I had to stop and pickup some clothes for our D and he got his haircut the way I like it. Last weekend I did comment how short he used to wear his hair and I thought he looked good that way. So he did it.

It's a small positive for sure so enjoy it either way.

IF he SAYS and ACTS as if he wants to reconcile, which he will IF he wants to, THEN we can discuss how he can regain your trust.


HE will have to know that YOU will let it go and not hold it over his head the rest of his life OR throw it in his face every time you fight or you feel insecure

or he won't bother trying b/c it'll seem hopeless and insurmountable and b/c maybe there wree issues in the m he was not too happy with so in his mind, maybe, he's not sure. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow.

AND you cannot insist he reassure you nonstop forever that he's not cheating...you cannot set him up for failure, but structure it for success.

That's why you must take piecing slowly if the time comes. Too many couples rush back in and rarely make it. There's no downside to taking your time to restoring the marriage

but there's a huge downside to acting too quickly to be together again. IF there's no change in both of you, and you're going to pretend nothing happened, or take steps to make/keep things better, you will fail.

HE will have to take the steps towards you and more than one, or you will not trust his efforts or that he knows enough of how much he hurt you not to do it again.

Sounds like you might be ahead of yourself. Take it easy and don't borrow trouble from tomorrow. For now you have been invited to dinner and seeing sil so go there and look great and be upbeat about your new fun life and all your GAL and 180s...

let them see~!! It'll be part of showing him the 180s and looking LESS predictable, so he can see that YOU are a different person now and that marriage to you can be better and different than before. They will say things to him but you don't go doing the "spy" mission with his sister. He will pick up on it and feel manipulated...and he'll go dark on you..so detach and hold your head high and be a woman only a fool would leave.

[Hopeful321]

Ok. I know this is going to sound dumb, but I am going to ask anyways. When you say go dark, what exactly does that mean? Does it mean no contact at unless it is regarding our D or does it mean minimum contact?

to me having minimum contact means only emergencies or for the d...same thing. Go dark like he does on you...let him THINK you are GAL b/c I don't see you doing that and if he at least thought you were it would be a start.
I do not contact him first unless it is about our D. But I know when he has our D, I should not be available all the time for him.


Also, another dumb question, how can I make him earn his way back into my life?




you cannot MAKE him or anyone else do or feel or act any way...

we have said thousands of times here, literally, that WE only control OURSELVES

you only control you....do you get that? [color:#3366FF] Yes, I do get this. That means your question skips over CHUNKS of our whole belief system...???

you can only change you...period...and since a m is made up of 2 people in a relationship, then if ONE of them changes, the relationship changes...by definition.

This is DB 101...not to be harsh but what don't you get by this? I understand that I can not control his behavior or him. I can only control mine. And when I do find out something that I don't approve of, I tell myself that I can not control him, I can only control myself.

You cannot go dark AND try to "Make" him x or y, so lose the illusion that you can force him to feel something,bc if you could, you would have!....

so detach, go dark and see if that helps him miss you or pursue you more.
I mean you are all over the place. On one hand, You want to go dark and you want to disappear when he had d, but also you are going out with him for dinner... Yes, I would like to go dark and keep him guessing and I tell myself this, if he calls, I am going to tell him that I am busy. But when it happens, I cave in to him because I want to spend time with him and let him see my changes. And let him see that I can be a fun person to be around.
Just GAL when he has D.

Having conversations without arguing IS a good step. Keep that going --and do NOT freak when he has D and does not call you.

I'd go dark at those times but then when you do interact, you are warm and upbeat so you give hiim soemthing to miss.

But do NOT be available to him to help with D or he'll never learn what it takes to calm her down b/c he'll always always call you to bail him out and

in the long run you will be harming THEIR Relationship believe it or not. HE needs to learn this so you need to back off.

[/color]H called me tonight and we talked for about 20 min. He talked about our D, his mother and misc other stuff. It was nice. Then he told me that his sister is coming into town on Sunday and wants me to join them Monday night for a family dinner. I did accept that because I would like to see his sister as well.

This^^^ sounds good to me

He told me that he got his haircut tonight. On my way home from class, I had to stop and pickup some clothes for our D and he got his haircut the way I like it. Last weekend I did comment how short he used to wear his hair and I thought he looked good that way. So he did it.

It's a small positive for sure so enjoy it either way.

IF he SAYS and ACTS as if he wants to reconcile, which he will IF he wants to, THEN we can discuss how he can regain your trust. [color:#3366FF] I appreciate this. I will need lots of help in this department, if and when we reconcile.


HE will have to know that YOU will let it go and not hold it over his head the rest of his life OR throw it in his face every time you fight or you feel insecure I reallize this. I know if I don't let it go, we will never work.

or he won't bother trying b/c it'll seem hopeless and insurmountable and b/c maybe there wree issues in the m he was not too happy with so in his mind, maybe, he's not sure. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow.

AND you cannot insist he reassure you nonstop forever that he's not cheating...you cannot set him up for failure, but structure it for success.

That's why you must take piecing slowly if the time comes. Too many couples rush back in and rarely make it. There's no downside to taking your time to restoring the marriage
Last year when he moved out and then moved back 3 weeks later, I wanted to take things slow, but he didn't. Now I wish that i insisted on it because we might been in this mess today.
but there's a huge downside to acting too quickly to be together again. IF there's no change in both of you, and you're going to pretend nothing happened, or take steps to make/keep things better, you will fail.

HE will have to take the steps towards you and more than one, or you will not trust his efforts or that he knows enough of how much he hurt you not to do it again.

Sounds like you might be ahead of yourself. Take it easy and don't borrow trouble from tomorrow. For now you have been invited to dinner and seeing sil so go there and look great and be upbeat about your new fun life and all your GAL and 180s...

let them see~!! It'll be part of showing him the 180s and looking LESS predictable, so he can see that YOU are a different person now and that marriage to you can be better and different than before. They will say things to him but you don't go doing the "spy" mission with his sister. He will pick up on it and feel manipulated...and he'll go dark on you..so detach and hold your head high and be a woman only a fool would leave. [/color]

[Hopeful321]

25--

Thanks for your advice and comments. I appreciate your honesty and I will really work harder here.

I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

Thanks again.