Enough with the lies - what is going on???

[greatwhitenorth]

Your post struck a chord with me....it is almost identical to my situation.

Together a relatively short time, H cheated with someone at work, lied about it, tried to blame me for his choices, just not happy, didn't want to deal with the issues, wouldn't listen to reason, we had a good social life, had freedom to go and do as we pleased (he had a boat and hunted and fished whenever he pleased) for the most part (buying a new house at his urging meant no trips last year). Nothing about it made sense.

H told me he married me because he "thought we coul work" but that I "would never change." In fact, he is the one who would never change, not me. Men like this have a profound ability to project. I used the same argument as you, about people changing and getting through things every day. My H is closed up tight as a drum, as is yours. It's like talking to a brick wall...a stubborn teenager.

The difference with me is that H and I had a dreadful sex life. I tried to address the issue in many ways, but he absolutely refused and always had fitting excuses that I accepted. It ultimately felt like we were roommates. I think it has to do with his kink (BDSM related) and how he was raised (lovely but roost-ruling mother). The other big difference is that when he adamently refused to work on our marriage and was continuing to see the homewrecker, I threw him out. He went to stay with friends, tried to cake-eat by visiting and supporting me with home renos we were in the middle of when he left, and dating the homewrecker. When I realised this was going on I slammed all the doors and drew the blinds.

H now lives in a one bedroom apartment in a nasty part of the city and I own the house. He can't shoot his crossbow in the backyard. Can't fish every weekend. Has the homewrecker (or not...have no idea) and her kid who undoubtedly will max out his stress levels. He will realize the calm, blue ocean that was our life (when he wasn't fighting against it) isn't there for him unless he grows the f*%! up.

You are absolutely right about your H needing to be responsible and accountable for his actions. I believe that responsibility and accountability are at the heart of the matter. Marriage and its trappings (for those that might take offense, this doesn't mean marriage is a trap...trappings are the things that come with marriage...joint accounts, shared ownership, mutual reliance, etc) is a psychological game changer for a lot of people and they just can't deal. My H couldn't deal with being truly vulnerable to or responsible another human being, regardless of the fact that we had a great life and he had all the freedom in the world. By all accounts he is emotionally unevolved...stuck in adolescence somewhere.

I firmly believe that you teach people how to treat you, and H was absolutely not going to treat me with disrespect. I also believe that people change when they experience a level of loss that they cannot deal with. As long as I am available to H he will not feel that loss, he will not face the profound pain he has dealt me and people I love and who loved him. If he never feels or faces it, then so be it. I'll have moved on with my self-respect in tact. That is what I advise you to do. Shut him out until he, of his own accord, feels true remorse and is willing to do what it takes to earn back your love and respect. Really hard I know, but it gets easier as time goes by. Fill your life up with things you like to do and remind yourself that unless he sleeps in the bed he made he'll never, ever learn. Don't tolerate disrespect. Draw up the boundaries. Mine were that H could contact me for emergencies, very important things or to discuss our marriage. When he failed to respect these boundaries I blocked his emails and ignored his calls. I continue to do so. He knows the rules.

I'll keep checking in on your thread. Our situations seem to be rare on this board in that our relationships were relatively short and there are no kids involved (If I got that right). The kind of support and guidance we need might be a little different.