This is the hardest thing to do. And while I think I'm starting to get to the point where I'm accepting the fact that he may not be around for too much longer, starting to think how to take care of myself and S, etc, I'm just trying to be careful that I don't detach myself too far so that in the event he does want to have a future together that I would still want to - that I would "take him back" and forgive. What if he takes too long and I move on? That scares me.
I'm with you there. I can dole out this advice but it scares the crap out of me too. You are not alone in feeling this way and having a huge problem with it. It's counterintuitive, it tugs at our heartstrings and our "gut" tells us it's wrong. The sad fact is however, that talking doesn't work, pursuing doesn't work. Once they get it in their heads that they need space, anything you do to try to reduce that space reinforces their decision and makes them want to add MORE space. It's infuriating in the worst way.
The other issue is that to see results from giving distance, you have to be consistent and patient, both traits that are extremely hard for most. People like instant gratification, and to see cause and effect relationships -- if I do A I will get B and this doesn't work that way. If you don't fully commit, you're completely transparent and all the angst is for nothing. Backsliding is so human and yet so damaging.
I feel for you NHMom, I've been there. I know the stereotype is that women are afraid of being alone and men are not, but that's purely a stereotype because I can tell you with no shame that I was afraid of being alone, and afraid that once I was there I wouldn't let W back in.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
