Confused and alone

[NLW]

Purg, Just wanted to say this observation is spot-on!

"I think our WAS try to 'set us up' in scenarios that will cause us to react in our 'old' ways...so then they can say: "see. you haven't changed.' I struggle with this because I sometimes feel myself slipping back into old habits- but now have the tools to keep me from going there. It's rewarding to see the look on my H's face change to confusion when I don't react the way he expected me to.... and that makes me want to do it more!"

Your insight is really valuable.

NLW

[kolja]

Granted, I've only been doing this for about a month but I can already see that very thing that purg mentioned and NLW commented on!

[nhmom]

Accuray -

I really appreciate your input. I agree that there has to be OW that he's connected to on some level. About a month ago, I found out he was getting FB messages from a female co-worker. I got mad, confronted him, he ended up admitting that she "gets" him, but they are just friends. I don't know how much damage has been done by confronting him then. Since then, he's been careful not to use the home computer for FB so that I couldn't see the history. So I don't know if this is still the same person he's communicating with, another person from FB, or maybe several? The thought alone just kills me, and the fact that he "talks" to OW in front of me is a big slap in the face. I could be imagining things, but my gut is telling me something and you really should listen to your gut.

"The thing is, once you've made these points clear *once* you don't get another chance. If he's not deaf, he heard you so repetition is not necessary and in fact, it's counter-productive."
H is the one who keeps bringing up R talk and blames me for everything, etc. I keep consistent with my responses by telling him I disagree. He then keeps asking "why" over and over. He does that with any feeling I might have that he disagrees with.

"From there you literally need to set him free and hope he comes back and that is the very hardest thing in the world to do but is really the only thing that might work."
This is the hardest thing to do. And while I think I'm starting to get to the point where I'm accepting the fact that he may not be around for too much longer, starting to think how to take care of myself and S, etc, I'm just trying to be careful that I don't detach myself too far so that in the event he does want to have a future together that I would still want to - that I would "take him back" and forgive. What if he takes too long and I move on? That scares me.

[nhmom]

So I'm trying to make an extra effort to GAL. I decided to go to gym and told H only after I got home from work and left after about 15 minutes later. I went to a Zumba class - I haven't done Zumba in a 1 1/2 years and had a blast. It gave me a chance to get some exercise, which always makes me feel better, and I also got to just be silly, dance, shake my butt and jump around I was in a good mood after the class. I also made plans with a friend tomorrow night and just told H a little while ago. He told me yesterday he was going out with a friend on Sat, and I didn't want to look like I just sit around at home. Plus, I feel like getting out of the house and away from him. He kept asking questions: How was the gym? What is the gym like? What are you doing tomorrow?

Today I let H be "the parent". He took S to the dr's, arranged for MIL to watch him for a few hrs after. H also cooked dinner tonight and cleaned up. H waited for me to get back from the gym so that we could all eat together. One of H's sore points is that he says that everything was 'my way or the highway', especially when it came to S. So maybe as one of my 180's I'm "letting" him make decisions, have more input, etc. The reason "letting" is in quotations is that it's not that I never "let" him, but he didn't really make enough effort, IMHO. And he isn't really either now, and I have to suggest things, but I have to do it in a way that makes it look like it was his idea.

A quick story about the iPad: He's been wanting one for a very long time, but never got because it's too expensive. I tried to tell him that we should save up for it and then I would be fine with it, I just didn't like the idea of financing that. Since he wasn't doing that, I was saving up to get it for him for XMas. Well, after the bomb, I changed my mind and wouldn't spend that much $$ on him when he's about to walk out. And he knew about it and was ok. But he started wanting it again recently, sort of asking for my permission to get it, or maybe baiting me to tell him 'no' and give him reasons to go off on me. I kept cool, told him that he's been wanting one for a long time and that he should do what makes him happy. I think those responses surprised him, because he started asking 'what's wrong' or 'are you mad', etc. I told him I wasn't. The other day he even asked me if he could have some of the $$ I saved. I didn't say anything and honestly don't want to give it him. So today he went and got his iPad. He texted me and told me he was getting it. After he got it, he called me and told me that he did, and the accessories and the 'deals' he got. I didn't say much more than "oh ok" or "cool". While playing on his new iPad, he asked me "how do you pick a good book" and "what types of books do you like". This is coming the guy that hasn't picked up a book since high school...I'm serious! I'd be in shock if he actually started reading.

And some good news for me: Just booked a ticket for my sister to visit me next week! I haven't seen her in 4 months and she's the only family I have in this country, though she'll be leaving again soon. Anyway, I'm so excited to be around a family member who genuinely cares about me! H is going on a business trip the day after she comes and will be gone for 4 days. H seemed disappointed that he'll be gone for the most part of her stay here. H likes my sister and has been like a big brother to her. She was 10 when H met her and he basically saw her grow up, even got to be a "parent" to her when she lived with us for a while. My sister knows about our sitch and is angry at him for acting this way and wanting to walk away, not only from us, but also from her.

[purgatory]

Yeah for family visits!! They are a great distraction and comfort

So jealous that you got to do Zumba.... that must have been a blast! (I tried, but my heart condition won't let me do more than 15 minutes, and I felt so pathetic having to leave so quickly- so I stopped going)

I kinda laughed about the ipad story. It just reminds me that all boys love 'toys' and most men that I know, don't understand delayed gratification! My H is the same way, once he's decided he wants something- he wants it NOW.

Sounds like you're finding your way through all of this. I can relate to being scared about completely detaching... but I view it like this: There are a ton of strings connecting my heart to him, if I can try to cut at least 1 string a day, I'm proud of myself. I'm not in a rush, but I know that it needs to happen in order for me to heal.

[Accuray]

nhmom,

I hope you recommended "The 5 Love Languages"

This is the hardest thing to do. And while I think I'm starting to get to the point where I'm accepting the fact that he may not be around for too much longer, starting to think how to take care of myself and S, etc, I'm just trying to be careful that I don't detach myself too far so that in the event he does want to have a future together that I would still want to - that I would "take him back" and forgive. What if he takes too long and I move on? That scares me.

I'm with you there. I can dole out this advice but it scares the crap out of me too. You are not alone in feeling this way and having a huge problem with it. It's counterintuitive, it tugs at our heartstrings and our "gut" tells us it's wrong. The sad fact is however, that talking doesn't work, pursuing doesn't work. Once they get it in their heads that they need space, anything you do to try to reduce that space reinforces their decision and makes them want to add MORE space. It's infuriating in the worst way.

The other issue is that to see results from giving distance, you have to be consistent and patient, both traits that are extremely hard for most. People like instant gratification, and to see cause and effect relationships -- if I do A I will get B and this doesn't work that way. If you don't fully commit, you're completely transparent and all the angst is for nothing. Backsliding is so human and yet so damaging.

I feel for you NHMom, I've been there. I know the stereotype is that women are afraid of being alone and men are not, but that's purely a stereotype because I can tell you with no shame that I was afraid of being alone, and afraid that once I was there I wouldn't let W back in.

Accuray

[kolja]

nhmom,

I hope you recommended "The 5 Love Languages"

LOL I was thinking that too - we're not supposed to suggest DB or DR, how about THAT one?

[25yearsmlc]

here are two pieces on Detachment I thought might help you see the trees from the forest...


"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.

We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are SOLELY responsible for our own happiness (and we always were).

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

Knowing that we truly will live lives of love, giving and receiving it, regardless of what another person does, is freeing and empowering. Embrace it and learn to detach.


More on
WHAT is detachment?
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.


* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."

* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
_________________________
The willingness to consciously choose to Take Charge of My Life and no one else's...and to let no one else take charge of mine; and to be fine with their strength and at peace with my own.

[25yearsmlc]

Meant to edit my last post with that word Detachment in the subject...but I forgot

sorry!

[nhmom]

Journaling:

Last night was H's soccer night, so I had a nice and quiet evening by myself after S was in bed. I was still reading in bed when H got home. I asked him how the game went and he told me about it. Then he asked me whether I played with the iPad. I said no and he asked why not. I kind of shrugged it off and said that it was his. He said 'no, it's ours'. I just left it at that and asked him if he could plug in my Kindle. H slept on the couch again.

This morning I was getting ready for work in the bathroom. H comes and leans against the doorway and stands there and looks at me. I kept doing what I was doing, then asked if he needed me to get out. He asked "Where did we go wrong?" (I'm thinking great, more R talk). I said that we could drive ourselves crazy trying to find the exact reasons (because I know there are many factors that contributed and I really didn't feel like bringing everything up so that he can blame me some more), but the more important thing is how we want our future to be. He asked me how I envisioned it. I said that we'd both need to sit down and decide together. Luckily S interrupted with something. S got 4 shots at dr's yesterday and was afraid that it would hurt when he took his shirt off (he still had the bandaids on). I was going to help him, then H asked why I always need to baby S and he needs to learn to be independent. (This is one of the things we disagree on. I don't baby him all the time and S is pretty independent...and he's only 4). Then H said that he knows that it's my nature to be nurturing and all. I jokingly said that I would just as much take care of H, even if he's like '50' (a little overestimation, just trying to be funny). He came closer to me and sort of gave me a half hug. Then he went on to say "why are you XX sisters so crazy and stubborn" and I don't remember what else. It was not an accusing or mean tone, more like 'you guys drive me crazy'. I'm still trying to be funny and tell him he knew that when he met me, and he said no he didn't. Then I said he knew that when he married me, and he said no, but then was hesitant and just shook his head.

Anyway, that was our little interaction this morning. I tried to play it cool. Tried to make myself look good while getting ready and sort of ignored him. He also asked what we were doing this weekend, and again said he was going out tomorrow night to watch the football game. And since I made plans for tonight, he asked what time I was leaving and whether I'd be home for dinner.