Being thankful and praying

[angel61]

OK, here's the continuation of my saga:

So we did lay to rest the OW matter for now. Although that is only outwardly, inside me I notice that I do seem to get more episodes of memories returning to haunt me, I remember the things they texted to each other, I think about what my H wrote in his journal about his feelings for OW, I wonder why he cannot say the same things to me, or text or write me in the same manner as he did OW.... and I feel anger and resentment welling up inside me. It sometimes takes so much for me not to confront H, ask questions. Couple of times I have cried out loud in the car, or when I am alone.

Another issue that is surfacing right now is financial.

During the time that the sitch was going on, H was working 2 jobs, and we had a lot of money, and so I decided that engaging with him on money matters was not going to be worthwhile. He did spend a lot of designer clothes and hunting trips, and I just told myself to not add to the problem by pointing it out.

Last Christmas, my H and I had this nice talk about how we were going to organize our financial lives. I was assuming that we were getting back to normal footing and that his gesture was proving that.

We decided that we have so and so extra money each month, not much really.

But.....as soon as we got back to the house after NY, H disappeared and came back with a new hunting rifle. A custom built rifle costing 2 thousand dollars. Wow! I never knew he had ordered one. He was excited but I could not help but be a bit pissed that he did not tell me about it, considering that it was a big expense, after we just had all that money talk.

And then, he bought himself another jacket - an Armani!

I do believe that he is still in MLC, and this time, its all of these things that he is using to self medicate. At least its no longer OW....

Oh well.

There's more, but suffice it to say that at this time, it is really a delicate balance of taming expectations, recognizing what phase the other person is in.

On the bright side, we have continued going to our retrouvaille post sessions. The last time we went, he even said we will join the CORE groups (consisting of retrouvaille graduates) so that we could continue our growth in our M. He also wants to volunteer to help in future weekends for other couples.

We have restarted praying together as a family, and I am also going to start on doing daily devotionals for the two of us.

Since I am having trouble with anger and resentment, I have decided to go back to DBing and trying to detach a bit while H continues with his struggles.

Right now, I have centered myself again and am trying to concentrate more on work.

I think we have a long way to go.....