And to be honest, I really don't need the answers to those, but you better have them in place...
CO....WAAAYYYY too much focus still on her. What she does, how she thinks.
Still WAAAAYYY too much mindreading of what she is thinking, or how you can change what she is thinking...or how what you are doing, is affecting her thoughts and actions...
You have been trying to DB since....November ? Is that correct ?
Four months ????
And you think 7 years of your actions affecting her, is going to change because of one heartfelt letter to her ???
TIME, Consistant actions, and space...
Your GAL , 180's , and focusing on how YOU contributed to the breakdown is how that time passes quicker.
You work on defining yourself, forgiving yourself, defining what unconditional love means to you...
You don't give the facade of doing better, you actually DO IT !!!
Take some time, and think about the questions above.
Mach1 you are absolutely right, I do have to stop worrying about what she does or thinks, I have to stop mindreading and assuming.
I don't want to be "right" here, I just want you to see that YOU have this huge opportunity in front of you, and you are choosing to waste that time worrying over things that you have no control over.
Let's go back to that list that you made....
All of your goals included in that list....are fantastic. Yet you limited yourself by just practicing them within the confines of your marriage.
Those things are for YOU...
To use in your daily life too....
You take those things, and you practice them...daily. You change yourself with daily interactions with real people , until the thoughts become habits in your life.
In the end, you won't only not think about having to do them, they will have become an integrated part of your life. They become your actions, your persona, your character,your core value.
I am going to challenge you, to post something daily , that you did from your list, outside of your marriage. Something that YOU did, for another person, other than your spouse.
Sound easy ?
We will see....
I would also like to see your goals for yourself, things that light that spark within yourself...outside of your marriage.
CO....DB or don't DB....but please don't halfway do this.
You won't regret doing this, that , I can promise you.
All of your goals included in that list....are fantastic. Yet you limited yourself by just practicing them within the confines of your marriage.
That list is a marriage specific list, I do have an every day life list as well (which includes most of the stuff on that list)
Originally Posted By: Mach1
I am going to challenge you, to post something daily , that you did from your list, outside of your marriage. Something that YOU did, for another person, other than your spouse.
Sound easy ?
We will see....
I would also like to see your goals for yourself, things that light that spark within yourself...outside of your marriage.
My main goals are the Four Agreements:
(1) Be Impeccable with your Word Speak with integrity. Say only what I mean. Avoid speaking against myself or gossiping about others.
(2) Don't Take Anything Personally
(3) Don't Make Assumptions Find the courage to ask questions and to express what I really want. Communicate with others as clearly as I can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama.
(4) Always Do Your Best "Enjoy the path traveled and the destination will take care of itself."
These goals seem broad, but living these agreements has really helped transform me.
I do use these everyday when I go to work and interact with convicted criminals and my co workers. A state penitentiary is a place where gossip runs rampant, people talk behind your back constantly or to the extreme your life may be threatened.
3 months ago I would come home burnt out and stressed, now I can leave work with a smile on my face, regardless of what happened.
I don't want it to seem like I am going through the motions, because I am not. I am truly a different person, from even last week, let alone the one my W left over 2 months ago.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
You've done well with your goals, I will give that to you, and you read very different than you did a while back, I agree....
Your goals appear to be broad, and all-encompassing.
There doesn't appear to be anything that you can measure your progress with.
That is what I would like for you to do for you, to find some things that list as your personal goals. Tangible things that can be reached, things you have always wanted to do.
Those are the things that take your mind off of this, and thinking about this.
And......are you saying that there are character flaws and personality disorders, in and around a State Penitentiary ?????
I am aghast....
<laughing>
Seriously, I have a good friend that works at a Federal facility one state below you, and the stories I have heard....
I applaud anyone that makes it through a shift with their character intact.
That is what I would like for you to do for you, to find some things that list as your personal goals. Tangible things that can be reached, things you have always wanted to do.
Those are the things that take your mind off of this, and thinking about this.
In all honesty there isn't anything that I "always wanted to do" that I haven't already done. That is the reason I got married.
I did everything I really wanted to do before I got married. All things left for me to do are to be with my W and the things that she wanted to do and never did.
That is what brought joy to my life. Right now I am trying to do as much as I can with my S, but there is only so much you can do with a 4 year old.
I do try to take him out somewhere once a week, which is something I never did.
I am going to church again, by myself (when my work schedule permits), which is on my list.
I am enjoying myself, don't get me wrong, I am not just sitting around staring at the wall.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
The only reason it seems I am focusing on HER right now, is we will be going to [probably] our last MC.
As I said in an earlier post, she only agreed to go to this one, because this was when she was going to tell me she wanted a divorce.
Even though she already dropped the bomb on me, she still wants to go. I just don't want to go in to the MC and say the wrong things, and destroy any chance of reconciling.
I know I have to sit back and listen to what she says, and let her get everything off her chest before I even open my mouth, but I know the time will come when I will be asked my thoughts on the divorce. Obviously its not what I want, and I feel if she got the help she needed we still have a chance.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Sorry if this sounds mean, but it sounds unattractive to have no desire other than to do what your W and S want to do. Maybe you have become lazy relying on your relationships to fulfill you. Or, hopefully, you were just exaggerating a little that you've done everything in life that you want to do.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Its not that I don't want to go do what I want to do, I meant trying new things. I don't really have any new things that I care to do that jump out and say TRY THIS!
I do what I know is fun. If a friend asks me to try something new with them, I would probably say, sure lets do it.
Am I going to sit around and do nothing until someone asks me to do something? NO.
Today for one, a new thing I am doing is taking S to a "Farm Show". Never cared to do it, grew up in the city, farm stuff isn't exactly an interest of mine.
There are animals and food for my S to enjoy. It is a big event, so I will check it out, and I am sure I will have a good time.
It is MY idea to go, and I will be trying something new.
To think I am lazy because I enjoy seeing the people I care about have fun is not an accurate assesment.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Hey CO, Trying to get updated on some sitch's...been pretty busy since I got home. We both started this "ride" about the same time. As I read your sitch, I can see that you have really evolved- you have come a long way & you are on the right track. Remember, it only takes one person to change the dynamics of a R. Even if there is a D, you will still have a R with your W. You have a mutually adored son together- so never stop DB'ing. There can be a sequel- a better R with her than you ever had before. Even if this is the last MC session... continue with IC. I know that this horrible experience seems to have lasted forever already- but we are still newbies. Every aspect of your life WILL get better. Have faith. " Let us not look back in anger nor forward in fear, but around with awareness"-James Thurber- My newbie 2 cents. Take care P.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson