Confused and alone

[Accuray]

nhmom,

I'm in a weak place to comment because I've had a rough couple days myself, but I can share this with you. If your H is constantly on phone / Facebook / computer and being secretive about what he's doing, he's likely connected to OW in some way. I'm sure you know or suspect this. That doesn't mean he's having an affair. At this point it could just be friendship, an outlet, whatever, but it's a slippery slope because he's going to convince himself that this woman "gets him" and you don't. He won't see her flaws, because it's not about her or you, its about him and how he's trying to reconcile his dream relationship with the reality of a long term marriage.

Some people start out in life wanting to have 7 kids. After they have 3, they might discuss it with their spouse and the spouse has really had enough and wants to stop. For the rest of their life, the person may regret not having those for extra kids and it may bother them from time to time. Some people will be able to move on -- to look at the fact that they are lucky for the kids they do have. Others will not and it will become a divisive issue that eats away at them. Either way, the spouse who wanted to stop is not flawed or not the source of the problem, the problem is reconciling the dream or the goal with the reality of what we get.

Your H is having that struggle with his marriage, and it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. There is a court of law going on in his brain and the prosecution is going to try to make all kinds of crazy accusations to bolster his case. That's why we say not to believe *anything* they say. THEY don't believe a lot of what they say -- they're trying it on, throwing it out there, seeing how it feels. They know they are doing wrong, and are trying to find some crazy justification that will put them on the side of righteousness. No one wants to be wrong, so the only escape is to make you wrong. The crazier the things they say and do, the more tenuous is their hold on these accusations. In fact, the crazier the better because they couldn't come up with anything more valid!

If your H is truly connecting with OW at this point, all you can do is really tread water and not make the situation worse, but it's very hard to recover lost ground if it's possible at all.

The hardest, most counter-intuitive thing you have to do is give H the space he needs right now. Don't enable him, don't agree with him, but don't seek to argue with him either.

You can tell him that you don't agree with his assessment of your marriage, that you own the problems you brought to the table and are willing to work on them, and that you would like your marriage to succeed. You realize that any long term relationship requires work, and that periods of disenchantment and disappointment are part of the journey -- just because you're in one now doesn't mean that things will never get better. No one knows him better than you, no one shares the history that you share, and no one else is a parent to your S. Therefore, if there is any chance that this marriage can be saved, it seems like there is a lot of benefit to be gained by trying. You can't make him try, that's up to him. You've made your decision, he can make his.

The thing is, once you've made these points clear *once* you don't get another chance. If he's not deaf, he heard you so repetition is not necessary and in fact, it's counter-productive.

From there you literally need to set him free and hope he comes back and that is the very hardest thing in the world to do but is really the only thing that might work.

Accuray