H's stomach flu spilled over to S4 and me, so we've all been pretty miserable in the last few days. Kind of interesting that we ended up taking care of each other in small ways. I tried to make sure he had what he needed without any kind of smothering. It was hard to restrain myself as I'm pretty nurturing by nature, especially when it comes to those close to me. When I got sick, H checked in on me and asked if I needed anything. H also put S4 to bed - he hasn't been doing that lately. He asked how I was feeling a few times. Yesterday it was our S's turn to be sick and we both took care of him.
Random conversation this morning: S4 was telling me how he would love to have a dog. I told him some day we will and we talked about the kind of dogs we liked. I was talking about German Shepherds. Then H walked in and said that "If we ever get a German Shepherd, his name will be X". I catch him say things like that from time to time...when he says "we". I don't know if he's just slipping and says it out of habit, or if he feels that there might be a "we" in the future. I don't say anything or react, but I do take notice of these little things.
Ugh, I think PMS is getting the best of me. My patience with my sitch is almost non-existent. Even though I've seen some small signs of improvements in the last few days, I'm at a point where that doesn't seem enough. I feel like I'm turning into a doormat and feel taken advantage of. I think H is trying to test me, push boundaries, wait for reactions. Though most of the time I'm not giving him the reactions, sometimes I feel like I've had enough and take on the "FU" attitude. I guess it's the old me. I'm a quiet person overall, but when it comes to arguing with those close to me, I tend to get passionate and emotional. I'm trying to change that, but it's not easy.
He spends A LOT of time on his phone, mostly on FB. He is secretive about it. Last night I couldn't take it and sort of flipped out. I was putting things away after having made both of us a bite to eat and he was on his phone. As I was picking up his stuff I slightly lean over and see that he's on FB and as I'm approaching he quickly closes the screen. I just put everything away and then abruptly, but quietly left and went to watch TV in the bedroom even though he had just turned on a movie. I know, going against all DB suggestions, but at that moment I couldn't take him doing whatever he's doing right in front of me. He then walked into the bedroom and started "talking". I told him he's been secretive and what is it that he's trying to hide. Of course he turns everything on me and starts with the R talk and how much we've broken, how much he's done for me and I did nothing, etc, etc. Man, I just felt like blowing up and throwing in the towel. I'm so sick and tired of hearing the same stuff over and over. Though I tried to keep my composure, I did not do it 100%. He said we're more like friends now. Well duh, you withdraw and say you're done and don't want to work on the relations, say that you don't want to be in the relationship and you expect things to be normal? FWIW, at least he said we're "friends"...a couple of weeks ago he was too hostile and angry at me that I felt far from being anything really.
He left to sleep on the couch again. Then around 4 he comes to bed. WTF? In the middle of the night S4 had gotten up and I let him continue sleeping in bed with me. When H came in, he didn't like the fact that S4 was in bed and that he will get used to it and become a co-sleeper. In my head I was thinking what is it to him, he wasn't in bed anyway, and when he leaves I'm going to do whatever I want. But I didn't say anything. H carried S back to his bed and then slept in our bed for the remaining 2 hrs. This morning I was making breakfast for myself and he comes into the kitchen and asked if I was just making it for myself. I said yes, but if he wanted me to make a breakfast sandwich, then I would...and so I did.
So why did he come back to bed after having another R talk and having spend the previous 2 full nights on the couch? Is it the rubber band thing? He feels that I'm pulling away, so he has to come closer? It's like on his bday last week, we "talked", I cried, etc. I told him he could go to dinner just with S - didn't think he'd want to be around me, but he insisted I came.
I'm just having a hard time finding the strength to continue with this waiting game. I feel like I'm being walked all over and have to infinitely suffer for the pain and feelings that I have caused him. I can't stand being lied to my face and having stuff done behind my back. It's so hard not to let things bother me. I feel angry at the sitch. I feel angry at him for not wanting to work on our M, for wanting to give us up. I feel angry that I let things get to this point. I feel like it's all my fault.
OMG! I felt like I was reading about me and my H and our relationship. With the exception my H moved out.
I am trying to be patient but it's hard as h3ll. I am going to try and go dark for awhile. I don't have a choice and hopefully this will bring him a little closer to me.
I wish I knew what to say, but I don't. I am sorry that you going thru this.
Forgot to mention one thing that H brought up in our R talk last night. He said that in the past he's threatened to leave and I didn't stop him and didn't seem to care as much. He brought up this one example where he had packed up his stuff and was ready to leave. Mind you, that was about 10 years ago and we weren't married at the time. We were both in our early 20's who had a fight. And he's using THAT as an example? Obviously things are different now. Today is 10 years later, we're in a different place in our lives, 8 1/2 years of marriage, a 4 yr son. Really? THAT is what he's bringing up?
He said that a few times he had gotten a little bit through to me and I did see his point (this is the first time he said that - before it was that I NEVER wanted to change or see his point), that I had said I'd change and did for a while and then would go back to the old me. So now he says that he KNOWS that we're not going to work out, that my efforts to improve are NOT going last. I feel like he's waiting for me to go back to the old me so that he can say that he was right.
So, while I'm at this low point right now, I really DO have to find the strength to keep going with my changes so that: 1) I will indeed become a better person to myself and to whomever I end up in a relationship with, and 2) Don't drown in my self-pity and sorrow and fall victim to depression, which can not only hurt me, but also my S., and 3) I can prove him wrong. I know that proving him wrong should not be a goal, but I want him to see what he's walking away from and yes, rub it into his face. Spiteful? Maybe. Determined? Most definitely. Ok, as I'm writing this, I'm starting to feel better already. Thanks for letting me vent!
Keep venting here and not to him. Yes his comparing this sitch to 10yrs ago makes no sense buy don't tell him that.
I did not start db till after my husband moved out. When he was living in the house I said all the rational things that you want to say. I told him he was being a jerk for doing this to his kids. That he should have mentioned a problem before it was too late. And on and on. None of my common sense talk worked.
You are lucky you have found db and your h is still at home. Somehow you need to find the strength to only express your normal feelings here and act honky dory with him.
Big hug
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Keep venting especially if it makes you stronger!!
I think our WAS try to 'set us up' in scenarios that will cause us to react in our 'old' ways...so then they can say: "see. you haven't changed.' I struggle with this because I sometimes feel myself slipping back into old habits- but now have the tools to keep me from going there. It's rewarding to see the look on my H's face change to confusion when I don't react the way he expected me to.... and that makes me want to do it more!
This is my favorite quote right now... and it is *exactly* what DB is all about:
"The highest reward for man’s toil is not what he gets for it but what he becomes by it." — John Ruskin (you are determined to become that better person that he doesn't think you can be... that's a great path to be on!)
((nhmom))
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
"Somehow you need to find the strength to only express your normal feelings here and act honky dory with him."
'Somehow' is a big keyword here. I am really struggling to look upbeat and happy in front of him. I think that I've made improvements, but it's still hard for me.
Great quote, Purg! You said "...sometimes feel myself slipping back into old habits- but now have the tools to keep me from going there." What are your tools, if you don't mind sharing?
I'm in a weak place to comment because I've had a rough couple days myself, but I can share this with you. If your H is constantly on phone / Facebook / computer and being secretive about what he's doing, he's likely connected to OW in some way. I'm sure you know or suspect this. That doesn't mean he's having an affair. At this point it could just be friendship, an outlet, whatever, but it's a slippery slope because he's going to convince himself that this woman "gets him" and you don't. He won't see her flaws, because it's not about her or you, its about him and how he's trying to reconcile his dream relationship with the reality of a long term marriage.
Some people start out in life wanting to have 7 kids. After they have 3, they might discuss it with their spouse and the spouse has really had enough and wants to stop. For the rest of their life, the person may regret not having those for extra kids and it may bother them from time to time. Some people will be able to move on -- to look at the fact that they are lucky for the kids they do have. Others will not and it will become a divisive issue that eats away at them. Either way, the spouse who wanted to stop is not flawed or not the source of the problem, the problem is reconciling the dream or the goal with the reality of what we get.
Your H is having that struggle with his marriage, and it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. There is a court of law going on in his brain and the prosecution is going to try to make all kinds of crazy accusations to bolster his case. That's why we say not to believe *anything* they say. THEY don't believe a lot of what they say -- they're trying it on, throwing it out there, seeing how it feels. They know they are doing wrong, and are trying to find some crazy justification that will put them on the side of righteousness. No one wants to be wrong, so the only escape is to make you wrong. The crazier the things they say and do, the more tenuous is their hold on these accusations. In fact, the crazier the better because they couldn't come up with anything more valid!
If your H is truly connecting with OW at this point, all you can do is really tread water and not make the situation worse, but it's very hard to recover lost ground if it's possible at all.
The hardest, most counter-intuitive thing you have to do is give H the space he needs right now. Don't enable him, don't agree with him, but don't seek to argue with him either.
You can tell him that you don't agree with his assessment of your marriage, that you own the problems you brought to the table and are willing to work on them, and that you would like your marriage to succeed. You realize that any long term relationship requires work, and that periods of disenchantment and disappointment are part of the journey -- just because you're in one now doesn't mean that things will never get better. No one knows him better than you, no one shares the history that you share, and no one else is a parent to your S. Therefore, if there is any chance that this marriage can be saved, it seems like there is a lot of benefit to be gained by trying. You can't make him try, that's up to him. You've made your decision, he can make his.
The thing is, once you've made these points clear *once* you don't get another chance. If he's not deaf, he heard you so repetition is not necessary and in fact, it's counter-productive.
From there you literally need to set him free and hope he comes back and that is the very hardest thing in the world to do but is really the only thing that might work.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Wow Accuray- its like you went into my head and pulled this out, word for word! I was nodding the whole time reading this, thinking yes thats exactly right and exactly where i am right now, that's exactly whats going on.
I always feel bad when i say this but sometimes its a little comforting knowing there are other people in my situation. There are other people living the He-ll that I am.
I am sending you support and hugs! Chin - up, thats what everyone says to me.
Sometimes I wish I could fast-forward this part of my life to see what the outcome is. i have never been someone who wishes time away - i have a very happy life but since the bomb i have cried on a daily basis and on a daily basis ask myself why am i putting up with this and letting him do this to me. But then i say because you don't just "fall out of love" that quickly (as my husband is claiming to do).
He is always defiant in saying he doesn't want to be like anyone else....i wish he could read this board when his head clears to see he IS like everybody elses.
