Too Little, Too late. 2

[JamesG]

the 'old me' is what he's walking away from.

(((purg)))

Unfortunately, as much as it stinks, he cannot see this yet. He is not ready. The "old" you is probably the only thing he is considering. That is not a judgment on your growth or changes, it's about him. Keep fighting for what you believe and what you want. You have a lot of support here.

[purgatory]

I haven't cried like this in a long time.

My H seems more determined to explore his 'feelings' for my best friend. I don't have a clue if she will reciprocate- but I know that she often mentioned that she wished her H was more like my H (so I know she sees good qualities in my H).

It makes me want to throw up just thinking about him kissing her. I think I would handle a stranger better than knowing his with a woman who I have shared my most intimate thoughts and feelings with... they'll probably have a few laughs at my expense.

Im in such a strange state of mind right now. On one hand, he's hasn't actually started dating anyone... on the other hand, he's made it clear that he's set his sights on my best friend. I told him that I cannot/will not continue a friendship with her if he pursues her. He said "I'm sorry for stealing your best friend"

We talked some more tonight- because he said he was worried about me (just trying to make himself feel better)... we jumped around topics and feelings. At some point, H said that I hurt him so bad and I can't be the one to help him heal the pain. He said he doesn't know exactly what he needs, but that he'll find in someone else (does that sound familiar to anyone?!?!?) So, what does this mean for me? This is new territory for me- I never thought I would have to deal with OW- silly me. I know many of you are dealing with OW and OM... guidance is needed on my next steps. This is especially tricky because I know her so well.

Is there a rock big enough to hide me??

I want to run away! I don't have any other close friends here in town, and all the family lives 1000 miles away. I've already lost my husband (who was my best friend) and now I've lost my (girl) best friend... what do I do now??

[BklynMom]

What you are going through is extremely hard. Can you have a family member come stay with you for a little while or can you go with your kids to visit your family for a week or so??

I would look into 12 step programs in your area. While AA/Alanon might not apply to you there may be others that fit your needs.

I have found new friends with Alanon. Woman that are going through their own messed up sitchs (not like mine per say) but just messed up sitchs so I feel more relaxed talking to them and being honest.

I think what is critical right now is that you do not show your H that you are upset by his confession. That you are cool with him dating who ever and you will be just fine.

Look I think your H is a big big AH but you should vent to us and act like everything is honky dory towards him.

Regarding your BFF - I would distance yourself for now without confronting her. Give yourself some time to look at this, in a few days you will have a clearer perspective as to her role in this.

You need more support. You need to take care of yourself so you can care for your children. Go visit your family

I am praying for you.

[purgatory]

thanks bkln. Because of $$, logistics and my medical appointments... I can't go anywhere this weekend. I talked to my mom, and it's not possible for anyone to come here to be with me. I'm thinking maybe I should just get a hotel for a few nights to get away from this environment.

I still haven't talked to my BFF. H said he hasn't shared his feelings with her yet. I have no idea what she will say. If I go away this weekend, I'll be consumed with thoughts about what they are doing together.

If H decides to pursue a R with her, it won't be until he's thought long and hard about it... because of her kids. We are the godparents to her 2 oldest (15 and 10.) My H cares a lot for all 3 of her kids... if they were to break up, he knows that would mean the end of being in their lives as well.... so I *know* that if he does choose to get into a R with her, it will be for the long haul because he doesn't want to jeopardize her kids' feelings. (this is all my speculations based on what I know and experienced with our families over the years. I have no idea if he's thought this through.) Not to mention what this will do to *our* boys. My S6 talks about her girls and his 'sisters' because we've done so much together as families.

I think I could deal with a stranger MUCH better. I wouldn't know what she looks like, what she sounds like when she laughs at his jokes, what her mannerisms are around him, how they would look if they embraced or kissed... I can visualize ALL of this with my BFF- and it makes me sick.

I'm very negative tonight- I'm glad I have this place to safely get all of this off my chest.

[BFloat]

take a deep breath...

that is a lot of information to get thrown at you at once. and i assuming your imagination is running rampant! it's a lot to digest in a short amount of time.

you have probably spent hours speaking to your bff about your situation, so she would also have heard all the bad parts as well. probably might have also thought things like, you should just leave him (because that's what people who love us tend to think). are your thoughts just manifesting out of fear (i know i do that all the time.. my imagination runs wild and then i get all worked up and almost accuse H of things that haven't even happened)? is there anything your bff has done or said that makes you think she would consider betraying you that way?

i'm sorry you're hurting honey. wish i could wave a magic wand and make everything better for all of us.. in the meantime.. just keep posting. fyi.. i am on the westcoast and up late!

[purgatory]

Needless-to-say I didn't sleep much last night. My brain wouldn't shut of the images of 'what if's' about H and my BFF in a relationship.... makes me sick. In fact, I woke up hanging over the toilet. H went to the store and got me a few things that he knew would make me feel better.

I kinda let him have it (i know, not good). I didn't yell or curse. Here are the highlights:
* I told him that I feel like a fool for being part of their growing friendship. In fact, I used to say that I had a great H for helping my friend when he didn't have to... a bad move on my part because it's almost like I gave him permission to develop his own friendship with her outside of me.
* I feel disgusted that I was part of creating such closeness with our families.
* I'm embarrassed that I defended H to outside friends who said that H and BFF were too close. I was a fool.

He looked so guilty and sad. He gave me a hug (I kept my arms crossed) and he said I have every right to be mad at him. (It felt kinda good to get an apology from him after all these months of me apologizing to him.)

I've been trying not to dwell on this new revelation.... but I've had a couple of encouraging thoughts:
* Because she's my BFF, I know her personality really well, which means I also know the parts of her personality that H will find annoying/frustrating after the newness wears off.
* my BFF is not independent. She has always been taken care of by her family or exH (she left him because of abuse.) My H gets annoyed when women play the 'damsel in distress' act- except he's been clueless when she's doing it to him. H likes an independent woman that can think and do for herself... BFF can't.
* The extent of their conversations has been about kids or her exH... BFF is not worldly or educated (because of isolation from exH) so she doesn't have much to contribute to stimulating conversations... H will get bored.

I have a great plan tonight: it's my night without the kids. I'm taking them to the gym to drop with H before my big 'plans' (he doesn't know I don't have any). I plan on being dressed as if I'm going on a date.... nice, fitted outfit; hair done, makeup perfect, high heels.... then leave with his jaw dropped (hopefully.) Because I know the other guys at the gym, they will probably mention something to H. Then I'm going to make sure that I don't come home until after H and the boys have gone to bed.... I'm interested to see if he says anything- but I'm not expecting anything.

[nhmom]

Purg -

Sorry you have to go through the issue of H and BFF. As if H issues are not bad enough, he found a way to make it worse.

It's good that he apologized. It's about time to start hearing apologies from WAS, even if they don't make things better.

Your plan for tonight is awesome! I hope you'll knock him off his feet and that his friends do say something. How about a flirtatious comment or look at one of the other guys? A simple 'how are you doing' or 'looking good' (I'm assuming the guys do look good and would love to hear an appreciative comment for their hard work at the gym..hehe)

Have a great night!

[purgatory]

I went out tonight. I got dressed up as if I was going on a date, and dropped off the kids with H. He didn't say anything, but he looked at me questioningly and had a hard time listening to what I was telling him. I furthered the mystery by staying out until midnight (I just went to a late movie to kill time)... I've never done this since I've been a mom. I half way expected H to text me at some point out of concern, but he never did. He left the door unlocked for me and left a few lights on in the house, so at least he noticed that I was gone.

It's a sad realization that someone isn't worried about me at home.
I don't belong to anyone anymore.
I couldn't even call my BFF to tell her about the movie or pout about H not texting me.

I feel really lonely tonight.

Even worse, I have 6 hours of tests that include 5 blood draws and 2 radioactive injections- I HATE needles! Normally, H would be by my side making me laugh and keeping me distracted, but not tomorrow. I will be alone for everything. THe procedures are scary as individuals, but having to be poked and touched by so many doctors tomorrow is nerve racking. Not to mention the anxiety of knowing what my possible diagnosis could be (a 10-20 year life expectancy)... I really wish I had a friend tomorrow.

[kolja]

What was the movie?

Good luck with the tests tomorrow - both with the needles and the hope for a better diagnosis!!

[ces67]

I'll be thinking of you today for your tests. I pray that somewhere in the midst of all those tests, someone will appear that can be a comfort to you, even a nurse or assistant to keep you company during all that stuff. Hoping for better news for you as well.