Too Little, Too late. 2

[purgatory]

Needless-to-say I didn't sleep much last night. My brain wouldn't shut of the images of 'what if's' about H and my BFF in a relationship.... makes me sick. In fact, I woke up hanging over the toilet. H went to the store and got me a few things that he knew would make me feel better.

I kinda let him have it (i know, not good). I didn't yell or curse. Here are the highlights:
* I told him that I feel like a fool for being part of their growing friendship. In fact, I used to say that I had a great H for helping my friend when he didn't have to... a bad move on my part because it's almost like I gave him permission to develop his own friendship with her outside of me.
* I feel disgusted that I was part of creating such closeness with our families.
* I'm embarrassed that I defended H to outside friends who said that H and BFF were too close. I was a fool.

He looked so guilty and sad. He gave me a hug (I kept my arms crossed) and he said I have every right to be mad at him. (It felt kinda good to get an apology from him after all these months of me apologizing to him.)

I've been trying not to dwell on this new revelation.... but I've had a couple of encouraging thoughts:
* Because she's my BFF, I know her personality really well, which means I also know the parts of her personality that H will find annoying/frustrating after the newness wears off.
* my BFF is not independent. She has always been taken care of by her family or exH (she left him because of abuse.) My H gets annoyed when women play the 'damsel in distress' act- except he's been clueless when she's doing it to him. H likes an independent woman that can think and do for herself... BFF can't.
* The extent of their conversations has been about kids or her exH... BFF is not worldly or educated (because of isolation from exH) so she doesn't have much to contribute to stimulating conversations... H will get bored.

I have a great plan tonight: it's my night without the kids. I'm taking them to the gym to drop with H before my big 'plans' (he doesn't know I don't have any). I plan on being dressed as if I'm going on a date.... nice, fitted outfit; hair done, makeup perfect, high heels.... then leave with his jaw dropped (hopefully.) Because I know the other guys at the gym, they will probably mention something to H. Then I'm going to make sure that I don't come home until after H and the boys have gone to bed.... I'm interested to see if he says anything- but I'm not expecting anything.