I guess I'm back to posting again... at least for now... I don't know if I really want to post such a long comment, but I'll leave it stand as it is...
I laughed hard at your post, cat... I wanted to respond with, "I'm not chicken, I was just waiting for the person with the fantastic answer to post, and there it was..."
Sem, while my sitch is moving towards D, my W has also stopped much of the spew. From the beginning of Dec which still had much of it (over my inability to spend more time with the kids) to where my W is quite pleasant, sending me job prospects, offers to spend time together (kid related, yet unnecessary).
I have also seen some strong indicators to suggest that my W, while possibly on the prowl, is no longer enraptured by any particular "knight".
My take is that although they are being "nice", it doesn't mean their position is softening. Aside from the indicators that my W has no strong OM influence in her life ATM, she is also very focused on being self reliant and "single". This can be seen as a positive factor.
Your question of not being sure about whether you want your W in your life is really important, IMHO. I don't know how things will turn out in the future for me, but I do understand that based on other separations that are long term... sometimes when the time comes that one spouse "needs" the D, that is when the other spouse begins to resist it. And this appears as often as not, the WAS who resists.
My "window" might be right now, to file D. As soon as my W signs the SA and we have things legally and formally split, my W may be very open to the D paperwork. Having previously been resistant to it, not addressing it, and choosing an SA (something she claimed she wouldn't do) over the D. I understand how that was the path she chose, it just seems odd for someone who indicated that she "doesn't feel M".
Anyhow, the point is my W said to me in Nov. last year that she would "find my peace once things are settled between us." As my eyes have opened (or my original concerns about my W, from when we were engaged) to whom my W is, or has become... I really don't know that I want to be M to her... to someone with her characters. For one reason or another, I have not pursued any new R with anyone, but once the SA is done, I am interested in doing so. I do not know how my W will react, but I DO know that my W has been the jealous type. She might have no problems with the idea, but then... she may attempt to interfere...
It's neither here nor there, but I don't like being trapped. So I might be better off filing so that at least, there is no legal interference.
I do not know if I want to rebuild or form any new R with my W. I'd have to get to know her, again. It was by chance in many ways, that we got together in the first place. Expectations of others, in some ways. She was not someone I saw myself with or saw myself pursuing... That is where I am, now... I really feel as though, at this time, I am only contemplating rec because of the kids... and that's not fair to anyone...
So I guess what I'm saying is, I think I understand how you feel. Questioning what I want now... what goals I have for the future... and trying to decide if this person is someone I want to be with... if I even would, without ulterior motives...
I can only say, embrace your mantras. Don't force things, you'll just hurt yourself. Let things happen organically. If things happen for a reason... if good things come to those who wait... then just go with the flow, live your life, and good things will happen for you... and reasons will bring to you things which you can learn from...
