Retrouvaille means change

[TrentC]

So tomorrow we're leaving for Retrouvaille. I'm on pins and needles just worried about the car ride after we drop off our son.
I printed out a few chapters that I would like my husband to read in The Divorce Remedy, but I'm not sure if I should or not. I also have other articles that I would like him to read as well.

Honestly? You're not going to have much time for extra reading. They pack a lot of stuff into that weekend.

And I would not be trying to get him to read stuff about working on the marriage right now. That can come across as pressuring or controlling, and undo the work that you're going to try to do this weekend.

Then I talked to my husband about it, and he told me we'd be on call all weekend in case something happened with his grandmother, which I totally understand since I love his grandmother a lot.

It sounds like he's trying to give himself an out. While I understand that family is important to the both of you, don't let yourself be distracted from what you need to do this weekend.

But while talking to him, I heard a baby laughing in the back ground, and another womans voice, and I didn't say anything but, "sounds like you have the tv going pretty loud" and he just responded with a, "yeah" So, of course my fears kick in that the OW, who just finalized her own divorce was there, in the marital home, with her 2 year old child.

That's a big red flag: when you sign up for the weekend they ask you if either spouse is involved with someone else, and if they are, they are asked to bring the relationship to a close.

If he is still spending time with OW, then in my opinion he's breaking the trust that both of you are going to go in with an open mind and a willingness to try to work things out.

Why did you let him pretend that he wasn't there with OW? (Assuming that's what was going on.) You should be able to ask him where he is and what he is doing, and have him answer honestly. It won't be forever; just until you can be reassured that he's not lying or cheating.

If he was unfaithful, that is a betrayal of the trust that you put in him. If he wants to reconcile, that means he has to accept that you are going to have questions, doubts, and fears, and he has to take positive action to prove that he wants to be trustworthy again.

I'm just so afraid that he'll choose to start a new life with the newly divorced, and leave our family in shambles. He's always been the type to want nothing other than to start with a clean slate. His answer to all of our conflicts was to just forget that it ever happened and start over. Like hitting the reset button on a video game or something.

And that attitude will basically guarantee that if he does and up leaving for another woman, that relationship will fare about as well as yours did. You don't get to just pretend that arguments and hurtful behaviors never happened.

I also spoke with one of the Retrouvaille people again last night for additional encouragement. It is slightly comforting knowing I'm not the only one calling in tears, and uncertainty, and of course fear of impending doom. I just know my worst fear is the drive back home, if he decides that he truly doesn't want to try and help rebuild our family. I'm wondering if I can just have him take a taxi to the nearest bus station for him to get home on his own if that were the case.

You're engaging in unproductive negative meditation (aka "worrying"). Don't try to predict his reaction to this weekend. If he wants to leave or decides it's not worth the effort, let him find his own way home.

You will be in good hands at Retrouvaille. The presenting couples, and the couples you will be attending with, are all in the same place that you are. No one will be judging you OR your husband. They have all made mistakes; many of them have had affairs; some have probably been convinced that the marriage was beyond saving. But they all went to Retrouvaille, and they all committed to working things out.