L2L: I have read your sitch from beginning till now. I too am dealing with a rupture that really began in August, perhaps Sept of this past year, with first bomb in Oct and second on Dec 27. My FI is however, currently away and will be returning to the country at the end of Feb. I'm terrified as I have no idea what will happen. But as it stands now, I am out of our house and we are done.
You sound very strong and like you're handling this really well. I admire that.
Please post the ways you manage to detach. I am trying to go dark and am a sponge for suggestions right now
Best of luck to you and I send good wishes your way
Well I am out of town for the week with work, and h decided to come to town to see d, probably because I am gone.. however he decided to stay at my house.. I said it would be great and let him know there was apple juice in the freezer (his favorite) he seemed to appreciate it.. actually best text conversation we have had for a long time..
I have no idea what this means, and it really doesnt matter much, beings he and I barely speak, but maybe just maybe he will see some of the differces at home...
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
I went probably close to 2 years without really having anything that I would call a good conversation with H. Whenever you have a good one, remember what worked best for next time.
Is he spending the whole week with D? That's really great if he is.
I am glad that their has been some improved communication but temper your expectations and remain as neutral as possible. If you can get there,have no expectations, but I find that is a difficult concept to master.
Don't get down if he pulls back after this week or if you feel he doesn't notice any changes that you are hoping he sees. He most likely will see them but may not communicate anything to you. And in the mind of a WAS these changes may confuse him and cause him to think about a few things which I think is a good sign but it also may manifest in anger or him going dark for the short term.
Back from my trip, it was very hard being away from my kids, but so wonderful to be back home..
I texted h to say hello, he responded quite quickly and actually seemed nice, but once again used 3 words to describe his life, seems to be becoming a pattern, never the same three words.. but three word none the less... this time I asked what he meant buy one of them...
He used the word "surviving" which to me means just getting by, not happy, not neccessarily sad, just getting by... he didnt respond... so I didnt dig, i just said have a good day, and he quickly responded you too...
the next day he phoned me, we spoke for a while and he said you asked what I meant by surviving and he explained that he does nothing but work and he has watched every movie he has at least twice, and reading some books, that was it.. so I think his idea of surviving is the same as mine...
I guess that was a 180 for me, i just listened...
strangely I heard from him again today....
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
Thank you for your post... I would like to consider myself strong but to be honest this has rocked my world so deep that at times I feel I can hardly cope...
Detaching has been the most difficult, I have found that in the beginning i still lived my life as a "we" I made decisions based on the whole family not just me and the kids... now not so much...
I felt in the beginning that if H didnt hear from me he would forget or worse think I had... so there is a fine line for me from detaching and "moving on"...
a dear friend of mine brought to my attention that there is a bond between my H and I that will not allow him to forget, it may not be in the fore front of his mind right now but its there, which made it easier to let go a little.. so i started with a day of no contact and that moved to a week, then two weeks, it truly tore me up but then I started to re connect with good friends, and doing things that made me feel happy, strangely the mornings are the worst for me, so I focus that time on myself...now nearly a month has gone by and he is finding reasons to contact me... we "chat" we dont really talk.. he has told me he is lonely and I think that is good for now...Use this forum and read others posts, the more you ask for feed back the more you will get. My virtual "friends are more help then most of my "real" friends.. this site has truly saved me at times I was at my lowest.. please keep in touch.. I will go and read your sitch now..
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
It is so true. This virtual gang of friends has brought me more strength then my real life friends. Not because my real life friends dont love me but they dont know how to help. My real life friends mostly say all the wrong things
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
bklyMom, Isnt that so true, they dont know what to say because ultimately they want us to be happy.. but we are not right now.. and that is ok.. we live our lives as an "us" or a "we" and find ourselves a "me" again and really dont know what to do...
We spend our time trying to rediscover ourselves and sometimes that brings "us" back, but sometimes we discover a new life..I put my life in my hands, I find support with all of you on here, and relate to each and everyone... some days are better than others, some days we find ourselves in our little caves of sorrow... but we come here and find strenght to push forward, to learn how to survive another minute, hour, or day...
I love my friends, but truly they are "my" friends therefore they want to take my pain, which means they may not be as relateable as some of you on here...and honestly I dont neccessarliy need my pain taken, I must weather the storm to get to the sunshine... It wont be easy but I know I will get through this. And anyway I make it, i will know "I" made it happen...
Ultimately I want to survive this and make my marriage a success, however I am beginning to see and understand this is my choice it may or may not be his...
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
today is for some reason a bit tougher than recent days.. its kind of gloomy outside and seems to be adding to my mood.. I want to tell my h I miss him... but that would be pursueing.. so i sit and stare at the phone in hopes that some how he will know.
yesterday i was texting him to find out if he was coming to see d ( he said he might but the weather prevented it..) anyhow before i could push send he phoned me, i told him it was a bit creepy beings i was just texting him...we continued with small talk about the snow through the day..
he doesnt seem to have any emotion, good or bad, but that is just an assumption on my part... today i am sad. not tears rolling down my face, just sad..
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
right there with ya L2L...im feeling a little of that to and was just thinken, man, i miss him today...we had a friendly exchange by text last night and that just always seems to make it harder... and its gloomy here today to, looks like rain. just wanted to let ya know your not alone..:) Hang in there momma...there are easier days and harder days...tomorrow will be easier..
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
