Forgot to mention one thing that H brought up in our R talk last night. He said that in the past he's threatened to leave and I didn't stop him and didn't seem to care as much. He brought up this one example where he had packed up his stuff and was ready to leave. Mind you, that was about 10 years ago and we weren't married at the time. We were both in our early 20's who had a fight. And he's using THAT as an example? Obviously things are different now. Today is 10 years later, we're in a different place in our lives, 8 1/2 years of marriage, a 4 yr son. Really? THAT is what he's bringing up?
He said that a few times he had gotten a little bit through to me and I did see his point (this is the first time he said that - before it was that I NEVER wanted to change or see his point), that I had said I'd change and did for a while and then would go back to the old me. So now he says that he KNOWS that we're not going to work out, that my efforts to improve are NOT going last. I feel like he's waiting for me to go back to the old me so that he can say that he was right.
So, while I'm at this low point right now, I really DO have to find the strength to keep going with my changes so that: 1) I will indeed become a better person to myself and to whomever I end up in a relationship with, and 2) Don't drown in my self-pity and sorrow and fall victim to depression, which can not only hurt me, but also my S., and 3) I can prove him wrong. I know that proving him wrong should not be a goal, but I want him to see what he's walking away from and yes, rub it into his face. Spiteful? Maybe. Determined? Most definitely. Ok, as I'm writing this, I'm starting to feel better already. Thanks for letting me vent!
