I am new to this forum, but have read Michelle's book, The Divorce Remedy and actually had some DB Coaching Sessions. So I'm trying my best to apply the techniques, but have had a few backslides. I'm doing my best... but this is the hardest thing ever.
Me: 39 Wife: 43 Married Seven Years; one child, age 4
My wife says she decided a year ago that our relationship was over, but just got the nerve to tell me about a month ago.
We live away from our home country on work permits, and her residency is tied to mine.
I have discovered that, about two months ago, she set out to get her own permit so her residency won't depend on me, and that she mapped out a plan to "have flings" for a few months while she prepared for formal separation. Her hope is to find a new "true love" after she has cut ties and 'cleaned up' her situation with me. (I discovered all this through transcipts of her online psychic chats... sadly she has spent over $2,000 on these services).
She has activated her plan and has pursued three men for "flings" -- and has been sexual with one.
She says she loves me, cares about me, but didn't feel wanted or fulfilled in our marriage. She says she is the only one who tried to make it work. Says she can only remember bad times. I know these are all pretty typical sentiments of a wife who's about to walk away. I admit I made some mistakes, but I don't accept all the blame. There are two people in a marriage, after all.
The back story here is that she started a new job seven months ago and started crushing on a coworker. I think this made her realize what she felt she was lacking in our marriage and she struck out to fill the void. She is also on anti-depressants. She recently had a hysterectomy.
I love my wife and want to make our marriage work, but I am dealing with someone who is having a mid-life crisis, is clinically depressed and, as a result of her recent surgery, I feel is hormonally imbalanced. And she is actively pursuing a continued relationship with the OM she had sex with. She denies it but also says it wouldn't matter anyway, because we're over.
This morning she asked if I didn't think it would be better for her to move out to ease the tension between us, which is affecting our son. I said no, and unfortunately I backslid into talking about our relationship and what the reality of formal separation would look like -- us moving back to our home country; our son split between two homes, etc.
I am focused on improving myself, and trying to do things to help build up her self esteem and let her know I value her. But I also know that right now it's not good to discuss our relationship, and that all the work to be done is going to be one-sided for a while.
I know what I have to do... I'm not sure I'm up for the challenge, though. I'm tired. I'm depressed. I don't feel like acting nonchalant and positive in this situation. But I have no choice but to try. This really is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Anyone out there have any words of encouragement, successes or ideas about what more I can do? The more I GAL and act detached, the more she seems to be detaching... and pursuing other men. It's like if she thinks I'm fine, she doesn't have to feel guilt and can continue to carry out her plan with a clear conscience.
She's changed the passwords on her job and home computer and phone, so I know she's out there communicating with new contacts (men).
Other than her asking for details of where I've been and what I did when I have been out without her, I'm seeing no signs at all of her wanting back in. Been in limbo for two months.
I know what I have to do... I'm not sure I'm up for the challenge, though. I'm tired. I'm depressed. I don't feel like acting nonchalant and positive in this situation. But I have no choice but to try. This really is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The first thing you have to do is take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, and get out of depression. Until you do that you will not even begin to save your marriage. After you get that under control start being the best DAD that you can be. You can not control your wife and I would suggest you let her go to do whatever it is that she is trying to do. You can not FIX her and the only one that you have any control over is YOURSELF. Stand up for yourself and your son.
Welcome to the boards, at the same time... sorry you had to come here.
It's great that you've already talked to the coaches and read the book!
"She says she loves me, cares about me, but didn't feel wanted or fulfilled in our marriage. She says she is the only one who tried to make it work. Says she can only remember bad times. I know these are all pretty typical sentiments of a wife who's about to walk away. I admit I made some mistakes, but I don't accept all the blame. There are two people in a marriage, after all."
I think we've all heard some version of this, you are in good company. There's a saying around here: don't believe what they say, and only believe about 50% of what they do" (I really hope I got that right.) This little phrase has helped me though all the times when my H is reminding me how he doesn't love me and won't change his mind- most recently today, our 'would-have-been' anniversary. The WAS *has* to convince themselves that what they are doing is the right thing and therefore they focus on the negatives so they feel justified.
One other thought about your W's depression/hormone imbalance... I suffered from PMDD (pre-menstrual disphoric disorder) and that led to a severe post-partum depression after our first son. Sadly, I was unable to get medical help until he was about 2 years old.... those 2 years were he!! on earth for me and my H. If your W is acting 'crazy' and out of control (planning her flings sounds like she's on a self-distructive path) than I can relate.(all the gory details are in my 1st post.) It would be great if you could get her to to an OB that could look at the hormones and possibly find some therapies to get her back to 'normal'... not sure how you could do that.?
Keep posting even though it takes a while for them to show up. Make sure you check out other's posts, there will be some that have strong similarities and you can gain some insights from their experiences
Welcome abord the roller coaster. Get comfortable, it's a long, bumpy ride.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Many thanks for your words of encouragement. It really does help to know there are others out there who have and are going through this (as hellish as it is).
I'll try to remember to not believe her words... and not comment on her actions. Though they are self-destructive and difficult to watch. (I feel like I continue to die a little inside everytime I see her secretly texting someone, or lying about going out with her "girlfriends"... I'm just not showing it on the outside anymore).
My DB coach told me to read a book called the "five love languages". I did, and it verified to me that my wife's 'love language' is 'personal affirmation'. She needed more of that from me, and didn't get it... which contributed to the situation we're in. I accept that (but again don't take all the blame).
Problem is, when I pay her compliments now or encourage her, she reacts angrily...saying/thinking I'm acting desperate, and it's 'suffocating her'... 'too little, too late', she says. So I'm a bit confused about things. By continuing to compliment her, am I breaking down her resistance, or pushing her farther away? I do it genuinely... when I think she looks good, or has done something kind for our son, I say so.
I think I will just continue to pay little compliments -- very earnest, matter of fact and not over the top..."you look really nice in that dress. Have a good day at work." kind of thing to start. Is that okay?? Or for the time being, should we just act like roomates?
I have always tried to be a really good Dad, spending a lot of time with my son, and have always shared in the domestic chores, bringing her coffee, making dinner, doing the laundry, etc. my fair share of the time. So that's never been a complaint of hers... she acknowledges that I'm a good Dad and helpful around the house. It's really always been about how wanted/valued she's felt... she says that, too, and says she's out there flirting because these men are paying attention to her, complimenting her, making her feel beautiful.
My other concern is that she has said quite a few times in this process that she wants me to go out and have more of a social life independent of her... and that she hopes I'll find someone else that makes me happy one day, so we can both move on. Taking my DB Coach's advice, I have been going out after work with colleagues, going to the gym, pursuing social activities without her a lot more than I used to. This does help me, but also feels like I'm feeding into her request to 'give her space' and 'let her live independently' (i.e., like a single person).
On Friday, I went out with colleagues and stayed out very late, going to several bars, clubs. She texted me at midnight to ask "Are you okay?" and say "Have a good time. Remember to drink some water." What should I read into that, if anything... glimmer of hope, or her being happy I'm out of her hair and meeting new people.
Well, my wife's out again tonight with "friends from work". She was very evasive when I asked where she was going... "somebody's" birthday... "you don't know all the people I work with."
She called about two hours ago to say she had decided to stay out with her friends for dinner, but it was taking a long time because "it was hard to find a waiter..." (in a restaurant!!).
I know what she's up to, obviously. The sad part is she told our son before she left that she'd be home in time to read him a bedtime story... her choices made; her promises broken. SIGH.
I'll act cool when she comes in... if I'm still awake... but I ain't waiting up for her anymore!
I think the hardest part of this whole thing is the sense of betrayal... this is the person I shared everything with, trusted more than anyone else in the world, and all I get for the last several months is lie upon lie upon lie.
Try reading this thread, although the five love languages is a great book and that you have identified her LL by trying to implement it right now you are pursuing her. That is not what MWD says to do. Look what happened when
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On Friday, I went out with colleagues and stayed out very late, going to several bars, clubs. She texted me at midnight to ask "Are you okay?" and say "Have a good time. Remember to drink some water." What should I read into that, if anything... glimmer of hope, or her being happy I'm out of her hair and meeting new people.
You stopped pursuing and she pursued YOU.
That is a 180, test this out and see what happens.
Over the last couple of days, I've begun to feel more empowered... just focus on my happiness and let her be... and detach kindly. She is still acting very angry toward me; snaps at me in response to everything... I let it roll off and tend to my son.
I would still very much love to have her get counselling and/or see her doctor about her depression (she is already on meds), but she's not having it. I thought about reaching out to her sister to let her know what's up, but I fear that my wife will just get angry for "invading her privacy".
DB coach and my in-person counsellor locally say it's up to me. Has anyone out there faced with MLC and Depressive spouse reached out to their spouse's family to get them help?
I really want her to begin to heal... for her and our son. I'm doing what I can to take care of my own healing in the meantime.
