Ugh, I think PMS is getting the best of me. My patience with my sitch is almost non-existent. Even though I've seen some small signs of improvements in the last few days, I'm at a point where that doesn't seem enough. I feel like I'm turning into a doormat and feel taken advantage of. I think H is trying to test me, push boundaries, wait for reactions. Though most of the time I'm not giving him the reactions, sometimes I feel like I've had enough and take on the "FU" attitude. I guess it's the old me. I'm a quiet person overall, but when it comes to arguing with those close to me, I tend to get passionate and emotional. I'm trying to change that, but it's not easy.
He spends A LOT of time on his phone, mostly on FB. He is secretive about it. Last night I couldn't take it and sort of flipped out. I was putting things away after having made both of us a bite to eat and he was on his phone. As I was picking up his stuff I slightly lean over and see that he's on FB and as I'm approaching he quickly closes the screen. I just put everything away and then abruptly, but quietly left and went to watch TV in the bedroom even though he had just turned on a movie. I know, going against all DB suggestions, but at that moment I couldn't take him doing whatever he's doing right in front of me. He then walked into the bedroom and started "talking". I told him he's been secretive and what is it that he's trying to hide. Of course he turns everything on me and starts with the R talk and how much we've broken, how much he's done for me and I did nothing, etc, etc. Man, I just felt like blowing up and throwing in the towel. I'm so sick and tired of hearing the same stuff over and over. Though I tried to keep my composure, I did not do it 100%. He said we're more like friends now. Well duh, you withdraw and say you're done and don't want to work on the relations, say that you don't want to be in the relationship and you expect things to be normal? FWIW, at least he said we're "friends"...a couple of weeks ago he was too hostile and angry at me that I felt far from being anything really.
He left to sleep on the couch again. Then around 4 he comes to bed. WTF? In the middle of the night S4 had gotten up and I let him continue sleeping in bed with me. When H came in, he didn't like the fact that S4 was in bed and that he will get used to it and become a co-sleeper. In my head I was thinking what is it to him, he wasn't in bed anyway, and when he leaves I'm going to do whatever I want. But I didn't say anything. H carried S back to his bed and then slept in our bed for the remaining 2 hrs. This morning I was making breakfast for myself and he comes into the kitchen and asked if I was just making it for myself. I said yes, but if he wanted me to make a breakfast sandwich, then I would...and so I did.
So why did he come back to bed after having another R talk and having spend the previous 2 full nights on the couch? Is it the rubber band thing? He feels that I'm pulling away, so he has to come closer? It's like on his bday last week, we "talked", I cried, etc. I told him he could go to dinner just with S - didn't think he'd want to be around me, but he insisted I came.
I'm just having a hard time finding the strength to continue with this waiting game. I feel like I'm being walked all over and have to infinitely suffer for the pain and feelings that I have caused him. I can't stand being lied to my face and having stuff done behind my back. It's so hard not to let things bother me. I feel angry at the sitch. I feel angry at him for not wanting to work on our M, for wanting to give us up. I feel angry that I let things get to this point. I feel like it's all my fault.
