25 - Here is the first gut-wrenching introspective post that I put up (in my "Part 2"). It should cover some of the things that my wife was unhappy about and my overall role in this madness.
*********** I was selfish and didn't listen or pay attention to the small signs my W was sending. --- Quote from the W on D day: "you're good at the big things - nice house, providing, finances - but you miss the little things and the little things matter!!". She would ask me to do certain things with her, like walk to the park with the baby and I would claim I was too tired because I just got back from work and just wanted to relax. She always asked me to rub her back and I only did it half the time - the other times I would just say "no" thinking that I was tired, trying to sleep or that she wouldn't do it for me if I asked. Do You now see, that if she's a SAHM she's been alone all day with the baby, or at work away from the baby? So in her day, she spends chunks of time imagining in her fantasy world that you and she are pushing s on the swing and she's glowing with another child within, and you are coming home and helping her and you are a happy EXPRESSIVE family unit - not separated or distanced detached people, who withhold compliments b/c you want your spouse to teach themselves to feel good, etc...or living semi separate lives b/c Blackberries Ipods intervening
...NOT responding with silence or refusal to her questions "when are we having another child?" questions...or freaking out about the costs of the child...instead of seeing the blessings. Get that insight across to her.
(&btw I'm one of 9 kids and we ALL put ourselves through college and 4 went to law school too, and 3 RNs and an MD without a cent from family.)
***** Speaking of blackberries & cells in social situations...there's a new thing out here with those at dinner or at a bar or lounge. YOU could do this at dinner.
Both of you put your cell phones or blackberries, ETC in the middle of the table and either turn it off OR if you are the first person to answer a text or call, you pick up the whole tab.
At home I'd convert that "penalty" into "oh boy, you owe me a 15 minute back rub b/c you checked your phone DURING dinner first..."
Just a thought
There were moments that if I had an idea in my head, I wouldn't budge if she had a different idea. For example - we have a loft area upstairs in our house. The first time I stepped intothe place I INSTANTLY converted it into a small home theater in my head and started making plans. After the baby was born, she wanted to change it to a play area for him with a train table, and other things.
IMO & this is just a thought--her idea made sense practically too b/c it would mean his toys are not in the living room (so you wont' comment about putting them away...)and they're out of the way
and a loft is perfect for that reason plus although it's "his" play area, it's an open one, so for safety reasons it probably also appealed to her.
I refused to budge - A few weeks after she said she wanted a D, I bought a train table and put it in the room and left her a note that I was sorry for being selfigh. But by then it was too late she was already sleeping in a different room and plotting her escape to her own place. There are other examples I could give of being selfish - but just know that I see it much more clearly now. You could give THAT example and that last line, like "there are other examples but just know that I get it, I see it much more clearly now and feel ashamed that i didn't earlier".
I don't want you to grovel but the word "ashamed" would not hurt you to say once or twice. It means deep remorse to me...but I'm a wordsmith.
She sounds like she wants to believe you get it, but she fears you won't last with this. You must reach her enough so she can see what is in your heart NOW and that it won't likely disappear soon.
Do YOU FEEL THAT WAY? IOW how far along your journey are you?
you say you "want to be better" and I believe you. But how close are you from where you were, compared to where you want to be? We are all works in progress but it'd be good to know your viewpoint of it.
Clearly there was an opportunity for me to make her feel better about herself and I did not take advantage of it. I let my beliefs override her needs. Looking back, I regret that more than I can say.
but you CAN say that now...if you do, use it to give examples of honestly believed feedback to her about what you love or admire about her. You can list that she's a good mother/wife but you must must list other traits b/c most women think they are good moms and were good wives. What's unique about HER? Why did you marry HER? tell her those authentically unique things that you feel...
and let her know that your belief system was NOT more important to you than her needs- but that it mistakenly made you believe you were helping her more by forcing her to do her own self esteem hoisting up...
I have spent so much time trying to examine what was/is wrong with her that I didn't really look at what I did to drive her away.
and not completely from a "true happiness" standpoint. I thought as long as there was a little blue box from Tiffany under the tree every Christmas that it would show her how much I loved her - when all she really wanted was for me to hold her hand and walk to the park with our son.
I am ashamed of myself
So now I am asking the experts on this board - how do I fix this within myself now that I am carrying this grief around? Sure, I want to bring my family back - but I want to be BETTER first. I want her to believe that I am better and want to be back together - I just don't know how to get there from here. are you seeing a therapist or pastor or priest? Going to church? Joining a men's support group? (Don't scoff, I hear some macho guys attend and learn and lean...) but how are you working on yourself now?
I am not beating myself up here - just trying to be as honest as possible.
*****************
Let me preface this by saying that I don't "blame" anyone for who or how I am. I will simply explain what my influences were and what has always been expected of me.
Be it great or ever so small, do it right or not at all". Perfection, or the pursuit of it, was established as a criteria for success. unless you are flexible with the term "perfection"- you must have "failed" a lot in life. I say that b/c perfection is usually impossible. And the fear of failure OR need for perfection has defeated more wonderful life saving research projects from starting, and kept more art and music from being created or seen or heard than most anything else in the world. At grad school for art, my daughter's professor said "Dare to sukk, DARE to fail b/c if you never fail you will never grow."
Seems like the same lesson you are learning now b/c you sure are growing from a feeling of having failed. Ironic?
Soooo, how does that manifest in a relationship? Well, obviously the resulting OCD made my wife crazy - and she took it personally as if I was saying she failed to do something so now I have to do it. well, That's the message you sent when you did it after she had already, or after you thought she should have.
But more interestingly, it made me strive for this ideal of perfection as a spouse. [color:#CC0000] how did your OCD fit into your ideal of your own perfection? Did you secretly think it was an asset that made your goals more attainable? Like it was your secret weapon for cleaning things "the right way"? ETC?
[/color] So, if I put myself in my wife's shoes - "but you are awful and the small things, and the small tihngs matter". She also probably felt that nothing she did measured up in my eyes. So--- I thought I was a great husband because I did what I thought made a great husband....not what my wife thought made a great husband. --- It's as if I was telling myself that I didn't need to make breakfast, walk in the park, or give up things I wanted because I was BEING a good husband. Selfish. Just selfish. & it's a lot of complacency that seeps into many marriage. Probably most.
But the very happiest couples seem to do a lot of LITTLE things for each other. I don't see the grand or expensive gestures (which are nice on special occasions)
so much as Small reminders of love or consideration, a post it note that's hidden in the frig on a sandwich you make her, asexual affection like hand holding or rubbing the back, or feet, etc...a compliment in front of others, it adds up...
The irony is that in the pursuit of being a perfect husband, I was largely imperfect to my W over time. --- Now I am in a nice, big empty house that is serving as a reminder that you can acheive all you want, but without someone to bring it to it is meaningless. Some real gems ^^^here...
I hope that life grants me a second chance with my family to be a better husband.
I do too!
I will also say this - if there has been one benefit, one MASSIVE 180 that has come of all of this, it has been with my son.---
Now I kind of feel like Mr. Mom ---- I am a better dad than I thought I was ever capable of being. Well, I should say I am BECOMING a better dad than I thought I was capable of being.------GEMS!!! **************
"I am glad to hear of your transformations. I wish I could’ve been instrumental in supporting them along the way, It is interesting to see that once I was gone, you were able to make changes. Whatever the case, I’m glad to hear about them." SHE WAS INSTRUMENTAL! She was a Catalyst for the TRANSFORMATION.... THANK HER FOR IT
REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAPPENS...thank her for it sincerely...that'll sink in and she'll ponder the identity of the woman who gets the new improved Best Crimson...
In time, there's no way she won't wonder about the ideal man she married who let her down now
but who IS INDEED THE IDEAL MAN SHE MARRIED!!! *************
How do I 180 these if they are so very much centered around her perception of me? Actually, ALL 180s are started to confuse the WAS with new behaviors of the LBSer, and are originally designed to affect their perceptions and to undermine those very perceptions.
things I could have done better relating to the list above:
1.) I could have learned to live with imperfections a little better.
my belief is you MUST learn to live with imperfection AND outright FAULTS IN OTHERS, a whole lot LOT better....or you'll have no friends. QUERY- Are your parents super popular socially involved people or are they home bodies or do they just do things together without many others?
How do they handle flaws in their own families and with friends? What did you see of their tolerance outside their r with you? IOW how did they model tolerance for the less than perfect around them? I 180 = relax and accept the imperfections in life as evidence that someone that loves you is there. like I said before, YES...
----
4.) Then when the baby came, we were so wrapped up in being new parents that we didn't talk about what else we wanted in life (travel, retirement, style of life, etc.). --- In an argument before she moved out I asked her what she wanted out of life and she just snapped "thanks for asking after 8 years" - and left the house. keep asking, and listen to and HEAR what she says
Right now communication is highly limited so I am at a loss for exactly how to handle things right now.
are you saying you don't know how/who you "really are" now, b/c you think your negative traits ONLY affected her? I'm betting that's not true.
Have you asked a friend or anyone at work if there are things that they'd like you to "focus more on" "give more positive feedback about" or "hone up on or adjust to make things easier for them" at work?
I think if you were open about it, and they were comfortable answering, that you would get feedback that says many of the same things to you that your w has said.
Check it out. If you were as OCD as you sound, I'd bet you were not that way ONLY at home...were you? If so....why?
my h's job requires him to assume the patient is deteriorating and so he enters and checks all monitors in the operating room and the patient's response...all day expecting the worst and looking for it.
At home that is a big drag. So I get where she's coming from. Drives our kids nuts. They dreaded him coming home until only a few years ago when he toned it down. Even now they get a little cleaned up when they know he's coming home. I don't know how I feel about their actions now but I sure didn't like it when they delighted at his absence b/c the tension lessened due to his criticisms ligtening up.
I will focus on myself, but I would be a liar if part of me didn't want her to see changes. Tell us about some of those changes other than how you relate to son...though that's crucial
Forgot to mention - W also said that I was too disconnected from the family. She said that I was on my iPad, BlackBerry, Mac too much.
okay see what I wrote earlier in THIS post about that. You can make a challenge or next time you two eat together, do that little contest with the phones/blackberrys etc...it will show change without pursuit. [color:#FF0000]
her use of texting or blackberry/Ipad MAY be a tad different if she's home all day she wants to connect with other adults like you got to do all day [/color]
See my earlier comment about the Blackberry/cell phone, etc...
There was a debate earlier this year in which she asked me to stop bringing my iPad/BlackBerry to bed.
unless you were watching a soft porn film...seems a tad UNromantic in BED
- but whenever there were actual "dinners" where we cooked I was always at the table. If I walked through the door at 5:45 and she was feeding herself with one hand and feeding the baby with the other and there was really nothing made for dinner - sure, I would grab a sandwich and sit on the couch and watch the news. I retrospect, I could have done that differently if I new that it was that upsetting to her. Notwithstanding, any time she asked me to come to the table I always did.
In HER MIND, your arrival home when she is feeding the baby w/one hand and feeding herself with the other, screams out that SHE NEEDED YOUR HELP...so next time if you get a next time, you take your jacket off and change shirts and ask her
"Which do I get to do? I'll take care of the baby OR make dinner, YOUR choice!"
It's too bad you did not see that she needed your offer to help and your expectation that you ought to, so she doesn't feel less than b/c she's not an octopus who didn't put dinner in the baby's mouth AND cook something separate for you and her AND set the table, etc...of course she needed assistance from you.
Rehearse that scene and do as my bil does and now my h (I saw my bil do it and he's a great h and I LOVED him more for modelling this to me)
I was visiting and my sister was with her toddler, and school age child was doing homework at the table and she was cooking dinner and setting the table around the child and I got some things out but then her h entered from his job that day. She asked how his day was and they kissed but within ONE minute, he said "I'm going to change clothes and come back down and you tell me which I can do, dinner or the kids"...
at HIS promotion he bought her flowers b/c he said he could not do it without her and that she had the hardest job in the world, raising his children and she was a great partner and mother and best friend and best mate he could have, etc. It made me cry.
So HE showed me that's how it's done and my h saw it and I realized that this particular bil is from Brooklyn--from a Strong Italian family where both parents are expressive and loving and emotionally well. The mom is a therapist. They raised him right and he's good to my sister. It's great to have role models and mentors...
I never FELT disconnected from them - I loved being around them, they were the center of my world. However, I can see how she could see it that way. My 180 now is to spend as much time engaged to my son as I can when he is with me. Hence the hikes, trips to the zoo, etc. - I make it about him as much as I can. Again, the down side is that even though it is a good change that I am making for myself, she will never have a chance to see it - unless I just go and trumpet it in her face, which I will not do. Try NOT to see or even SEE the downside to anything you make a positive comment about. It negates the positives.
in case I am not making it clear, I am very impressed with what you've written here.
Sometimes I cringed for you b/c you saw the truth and it was not pretty'
but that's what it takes. God knows I was far from great...
I once posted here that "PLAN A" present warm loving home instead of furious shrew wife with crossed arms meeting h at door & pouncing on h with details of my hard day and the needs H must now meet of MINE..."
I think "Plan B" was "begin drinking heavily so as to avoid facing life as long as possible." I was able to stick with Plan A but sometimes I did better than others.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
