She's very self centered and clueless AND btw, she has NOT grown an inch emotionally. Notice that It's all about how SHE hurts now b/c she cheated on you and somehow it's all about her, again...
It very much feels this way, yes. In her world view, she left because I was making her unhappy, and now I'm only continuing to make her unhappy because I'm not willing to break this boundary of mine. She actually said at one point, "I think it's very interesting that between being there for someone you care about and enforcing some kind of personal boundary, you choose the boundary." Obviously, personal boundaries clearly mean nothing to her.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Like I said, Let HER go patch herself up and figure what she wants out and THEN SHE can come to you and say why she misses you and what she needs or wants from you and YOU can choose what's right for YOU.
I will probably end up doing this. It will take me a long time to let her go out of my heart and to build up myself into a solid person, and it will take an REALLY long time for her to work out her demons (if ever she's able or willing to do that). By that time, I may have moved on to someone better, but that's the risk that I'm taking. I need to be in a healthy R. Not this.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Yes I'm saying go get your swagger on and gain some experience so YOU'LL know when you are treated right...b/c she treated you horribly and still won't admit it. And sometimes you dont' see it yourself.
I'm beginning to realize that there was a lot that I didn't see (and still don't see). In the bubble of our R, it was just between me and her, so I didn't know anything different. But now when I tell other people (like you guys or my C) about her behavior, the strength of their reaction ("OMG, I can't believe she SAID/DID that!") has been opening my eyes quite widely.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Your marital mistakes were what again? IF I recall - you got complacent and depressed and I'm SURE that was a big drag...you were underemployed too?
You seem to be mixing me up with MadeToSucceed. This is easy to do as our sitches are EERILY similar (both in our twenties, both with psycho WAS', etc.) My W's big complaint with me was my OCD -- the thoughts that I had about her body image, the bodies of other women, how I compared other women's bodies to her, etc. What angers me is how she still seems to think that these "bad thoughts" were just as bad, if not worse, than her current behavior. I understand that my thoughts were very damaging to her self-esteem, but I never actually went out and slept with anybody. Seems like a big difference to me.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
when you trade one guy in for another, you DO lose the guy you traded in. You do NOT get to keep one in reserve or pout to them about what it cost HER to make "one mistake".... God she's got the selfishiness of an elementary school brat but that offends me b/c my girls NEVER acted like this.
The first thing you said here is one of the main reasons why I'm going dark on her. Either she stays & works things out, or she chooses OM and leaves. She DOESN'T get to have both, and it angers me that she believes herself to be ENTITLED to me. And yes, I'm starting to see how "bratty" she is acting. It's scary how SHE just doesn't see it that way. Hope she sees everything one day as it really is.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
So YES you did the right thing and if anything you were too polite about it.I'd want to express SOME shock at the gall of a woman who cheats on you when you were already down in the dumps, and then pouts that you won't be her bff anymore...Good God...
I will admit that I have always been too polite in this matter. But I am polite for two reasons: 1, because being calm, collected, and kind to her in the face of her terrible behavior makes me feel like the better man. To not allow myself to get affected or to sling her sh!t right back at her...man, the air on the high road tastes so much sweeter. Can't get enough of it.
2, I honestly feel like, given where her head is at right now, my being shocked at her behavior would be pointless. Kind of like when people yell at their dogs, trying to get animals to understand WHY they're mad at them. It's just a waste of time, really. Better to disengage with a smile. I feel like being happy!
