feeling like giving up.....former DBing against OW

[MynameisMZ]

JUST a thought ITM- Had a friend get sober and tell me that few marriages survive once sobriety comes into the picture. This is good because you and H no longer have that old M. No matter what, you will be forced to form a new R....whatever that will be.

Not to get your hopes up...hope for the best and be prepared for the worse, but being separated like you have been almost gives you both an opportunity to approach anything with a new light on it. It's like that total break some couples need to reassess.

Just thinking out loud....which sometimes gets me into trouble!

[imthemom]

thanks MZ....I have known that for quite some time, even before the D bomb. When I first left I knew that when H got sober and we eventually worked it out, it would be a totally different relationship and I was excited about that at first... but when Im honest with myself, H did not try to work things out with me. Once he had been sober for a year he started acting as if the relationship was fine and and nothing was talked about or worked on...when he started slowly moving stuff into my place I freaked out thinking, wait a minute!! Im not going back to that relationship, and if we havent done anything to work on it how is it going to be any different..as a matter of fact the act of not doing anything and just picking up were we left off was VERY commen for us and scared the crap out of me. Once I said something about we needed to talk about things thats when he really backed off and started getting bugged...and started with the attitude of "look, i got sober what else do you want??"

I had an interesting convo with my S14 last night...he has brought up several times that I should go on a date. I simply tell him that I am married, and married people dont date.
He said it again last night and said that he was going to make me a profile on a dating sight. I laughed and said you better not and he asked why again, I told him my same reply..Im married and he got really angry. He made a comment about "you and dad are divorced and you shouldnt even care about him anymore"....I told him we werent divorced yet and that I would always care about his dad. He then said that the way dad treats you, you shouldnt even talk to him. and I wouldnt even want you to talk to him if he came back and said he wanted to be with you. I was floored.....He has always wanted his father and I to be together...this is a first. And we havent talked alot about the D or what is going on at his dads house when he is over there..but I know hes been upset that his dad never talks to him about anything. Hes mentioned that he likes that when he is in trouble I sit and talk to him about it and dad says nothing. H is not a talker...you can sit in a room with him for hours and a word would not be said.

Anyway, S14 said I need to find someone that will treat me nice and make me happy again...1) it made me feel terrible because obviously as much as ive tried, i havent hidden that fact that im sad good enough from him. and 2) even though H is spending time with S14 now, S is really pissed at him... and has lost a lot of respect for him. I scared to see what will happen when he is told or finds out about ow (you like that MZ?? no caps!!)
I told him that I didnt need anyone to make me happy, and that it was perfectly normal to be sad sometimes when you go threw a major life change the way we are. There were gonna be days that are harder then others..(he brought up our anniversary might be hard, its in April) and that time would help things settle down and everyone would be able to handle things better when that happened..and that we would be ok!!
Im going to take my own advice....
today is one of the good days...

[imthemom]

Theres a song by Don Henely , The heart of the matter...
Ive been hearing this song for a week all the sudden...at work, in the grocery store, at the friggen subway sandwish place!!..then today im at the dentist getting my teeth cleaned and it comes on..Im thinken, ok..someone is trying to tell me something, so I listened to it and it really got to me. When I got home I looked it up on youtube and read the words...
it says "I think its about forgiveness, even if you dont love me anymore..."

Wow...when i read the rest of the words it really spoke to me...
as I was reading my H text me and wanted to know about S14s first day back at school...after being pretty rude to me yesterday...I answered "im busy, cant talk. Ill have him call you later.." and I was ok with that. I might not be tomorrow, but for now, I really am...

detaching...it aint for sissys....

[imthemom]

Friendly involvment continues from H...I dont know what to think. Could something as simple as becoming kinder make that big of an impact??...or is it that Ive just started to get to the point of forgivness, for myself not for H, and its makeing it easier for me to except.

There was text exchange yesterday asking about S21 (special needs) and a sitch that is going on with him. H has not asked or seen this S since asking for D in Sept. as a matter of fact him knowing about sitch was only because S14 told him. He is being kind in return, that in its self is a change. S14 told me Sunday that H was home sick so we stopped by on our way to a friends and dropped off some chicken and dumplings we had had for dinner. That was pretty hard for me to do, pride alone would normally keep me from that..but S14 wanted to and in my head i thought, thats a kind thing to do...and also reminds him of what he is missing. so i did it.

This morning i text good morning like I did a few days ago and he responded with good morning.

so, my dilemma is this...In my head this feels like im just being nice and maybe just a little pursueing...I dont know, im not use to doing it and im not sure what it looks like. Is this baby steps or is this me annoying the hell out of him??

And the other side of my brain is asking, Is he just going along with this because of the settlement papers he was sent last week, thinking he shouldnt really make me mad right now....He wants to try to get me to agree to less.

OR...did the settlement papers scare him enought to rethink what he is doing? and ask himself if it is worth it?????

regardless...I am just getting this out...I intend to keep on my path, working on detaching and staying kind hearted and forgiving...detach..kind hearted..forgiving...yep yep!!

[imthemom]

Were IS everyone.?????

I need my girls to chime in.......:)

[too trusting]

so, my dilemma is this...In my head this feels like im just being nice and maybe just a little pursueing...I dont know, im not use to doing it and im not sure what it looks like. Is this baby steps or is this me annoying the hell out of him??

And the other side of my brain is asking, Is he just going along with this because of the settlement papers he was sent last week, thinking he shouldnt really make me mad right now....He wants to try to get me to agree to less.

OR...did the settlement papers scare him enought to rethink what he is doing? and ask himself if it is worth it?????

hi, ITM. I've been following your thread for a while, but this is the first time I've "chimed in". I agree that there are always a lot of "what if's" we can think of (and we're all really good at that...) but I think the best policy for you at this point is to think positive thoughts (you know, the "as if" method from DR) and just keep going - as you wrote towards the end...

regardless...I am just getting this out...I intend to keep on my path, working on detaching and staying kind hearted and forgiving...detach..kind hearted..forgiving...yep yep!!

if your "positive thoughts" were too positive, you'll find out soon enough, but in the meantime, why get upset about things you're not even sure about? assume the best, not the worst, as your default right now. because there are plenty of positive signs here and maybe these really are "baby steps" towards turning things around.

[mishka422]

Sorry chica, I'm super sick so haven't been on here. Medicine head is keeping me from thinking clearly so I wouldn't be a good one to help out today.

IMO though, pleasant exchanges are good communication without being pursuing. You would tell a stranger good morning, right?

[imthemom]

So more interesting interaction with H...
Yesterday I did NOT send a good morning text or have any contact...When I got home from work suddenly i get a text from H..he asked how I was doing...
This is the first time he has contacted me first that didnt have to do with our son..THE FIRST TIME in 5 months....i rsponded and we had a few minute back and forth him telling me how work was and again asking How are you?

It was strange....and again I was asking myself, really?? I just start being nice and theres this big of a switch? or is he that worried about keeping me happy with him so I will negotiate the settlement???

Im not sure what to think...do im just taking it for what it is...

[imthemom]

I hope you dont mind 25, but I was reading this on another post and just needed to post on my thread so id have it when I need to reffer....I dont know if you wrote it or got it from someone else but its great info and what Im really focusing on lately..



WHAT is detachment?
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.


* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."

* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
_________________________
The willingness to consciously choose to Take Charge of My Life and no one else's...and to let no one else take charge of mine; and to be fine with their strength and at peace with my own.

[imthemom]

Hey Mish...
Hope your feeling better...im getting over the crud myself, and its hangen on. just letten ya know I was thinken of ya..:)