Wow Crimson.....there's so much in this post! You really have done an amazing amount of introspection and have the guts to be honest with yourself.
I see so much of myself in how you describe yourself and how your life experiences lead to how you treated your W. Like you I saw achievement and perfection as the noble goal in life and thought that it could only lead to a successful happy family. Didn't Hitler strive for this too? So I guess it doesn't always play out for the best! For me these were ways out of a background of poverty and violence and my dedication to these principles did just that but so much of what you describe was me too. Combine all that with me and the three boys and my wife got steamrolled over time and as her own issues affected her for years it became a volatile mix.
But re the ltr to your wife I don't know if you want to lay so much detail on her. I think she might recoil at so much info. I'm just one guy with an opinion but I think the spirit of what you want to tell is more important than a burst of examples. You know what she was unhappy about. Addressit with as the evolved person you have become. Let her know what you have learned and why it is important. She wants to know where you are so tell her. She may not accept it now but because its true she will respect it and you at some point.
I've been there Crimson, have poured my heart out and felt my W heard none of it, but they do hear it even if it takes time for them to acknowledge it.
