Too Little, Too late. 2

[BFloat]

shifting of responsibility. if you make the decisions.. it's never their fault.

"I really wish H would go back into IC so he could get a grounded opinion about his behaviors."

i second that! but i have decided not to even suggest it anymore. i'm so tired of his complacent attitude. it's driving me mental.

bklyn - "I do the best I can now to ignore my H when he asks me these cockamayme questions. Like "What do you think of the location of my new apartment?" wouldn't it be nice to just say.. it suxx! wow.. i think i could really make myself happy thinking of all the things i would love to just rant on about.

purg - you are a brave brave woman. skydiving!

[PERSEVERANCE]

Hey Purg.
You've been in my thoughts & prayers. Sky diving- definitely try it. What a great idea! Sometimes this whole experience feels like free-falling. Make sure your Doc is okay with it.
I try to keep up on sitch's, but often don't post my two cents. I'm still a newbie & there are seasoned vets with great advice. Our sitch's have some similarities. I truly identify with you...but, as you know, have some of the same dilemas as your H.
You're making progress. Don't lose Hope.
Take Care
P

[purgatory]

Went to meet with the D lawyer today... that was rough. I feel like I'm accepting my fate and admitting defeat. But I know it's the responsible thing to do.

I've been finding myself looking at quotes and inspirational sayings for comfort during this whole debacle.... this one is pretty well known, but I have a new perspective on it:

"Character is Tested When You're Up Against It"

I think it rings true for the WAS and the LBS.
For the WAS- the M got tough, too tough as most of them say, and they walked away. It makes me think of the vow: "for better or worse" and how when it came down to the wire, the WAS couldn't keep that vow: that adversity was too much for their character to stand up against.

For the LBS: our current sitch's are testing our character. We have to make the choice everyday, every hour to continue to stand for our M or 'give in' and move on. I know that I personally, have wavered on this several times in the past month... I can only imagine how much others have wavered in their longer sitchs.

This is my new favorite quote, and I think it applies to DB principle's very well.
"The highest reward for man’s toil is not what he gets for it but what he becomes by it."— John Ruskin
(I originally posted this on 2TP post, because he has chosen to become a man that loves his W unconditionally and will continue to stand for his M, a glimpse into his character.)

====================
In other news....
Today is S5's b-day. I can't believe he is already 6... where did the time go?? We are planning a family dinner ('breakfast' for dinner, S choice) and having a few friends over for ice cream/presents afterwards. I have no doubt that H will smile, laugh and be happy tonight- for our son. I wish we could reminisce about the years gone by with S and give each other a hug and a kiss to celebrate. H used to give me flowers on S's birthday, because he said: "there would be no [son] if it wasn't for you".... don't think I'm getting those this year.

[JamesG]

Went to meet with the D lawyer today... that was rough. I feel like I'm accepting my fate and admitting defeat. But I know it's the responsible thing to do.

Purg, I am sorry you are experiencing the legal side of things. Recently I had the meeting that you describe with a L and found myself wondering if I shouldn't just let go and give up. It is a great challenge that is on going and each of us LBS has to answer his his/her own way. FWIW and IMO, at the beginning of the D process the WAS has an idealized impression of how the D process works: get out and move on with a new life. When the H and W begin going to court, paying Ls, dealing with new custody and living arrangements a new reality is created. It seems that the new reality can speak to the WAS in a powerful way: either, D is not the idealized thing I thought it would be and I should consider the possibility of giving the R/M another opportunity, or the person can accept the new reality (maybe even get mad at the other spouse for making the creation of the new life difficult) and continue to plough ahead with a D. For the LBS, it seems that you do not want your WAS to return because of housing/kid/money/legal issues but you do not want the person to continue to move forward with a D. It is so challenging. I feel for you. God speed.

[kolja]

For the WAS- the M got tough, too tough as most of them say, and they walked away. It makes me think of the vow: "for better or worse" and how when it came down to the wire, the WAS couldn't keep that vow: that adversity was too much for their character to stand up against.

I've had this thought a couple times, but make myself stop. ("Mental stop sign" if you will). It's not a road I want to go down - I feel like IF we get to reconcile, this line of thought could be subliminally toxic to me. I'm afraid that without even realizing, I could feel like I was the 'better' one for having stuck it out and that subconcious feeling could completely undermine any second chance I'm given... just a thought...

[purgatory]

Well, I guess I'm in a new category now.....

Had an unpleasant finding about H which led to conversation with him. Long story short: he said he's 'warming up' to the idea of dating. Later in the conversation, I flat out ask him if he has feelings for [my best friend], he says:"that's not a fair question" (as if I don't know what that implies.) After dodging the topic for a few, he admits: "I would be lying if I said that I haven't thought about it..." He says he's never talked with her about it nor has he sat with these feelings and really processed them.

I didn't yell. I didn't cry. I didn't pester with questions. (still not sure how I was able to do that)

I have had this concern in the back of my mind for a while- especially since he dropped the bomb. I've approached it before with him, and he's always immediately denied it and said I was being paranoid/jealous... I have now come to the conclusion that he did this to deflect my concerns. I was foolish to actually believe him.

Even though this isn't coming from her, I don't want to see/talk to her. This is my BFF who is like a sister. She is my kids godmother and I am to her 3 kids. How could she be so clueless as to no notice and then continue to let this happen??? My H asked that I not blame her or go off on her and I responded with: "Please do not defend or protect her in any way from me, that adds insult to injury."

She was supposed to bring her kids over for ice cream tonight, I told my H that I couldn't see her (it was bad enough I had to see him tonight). He said he would tell her not to come, and when I asked if he was going to tell her the real reason why... he said that he was not going to bring up his feelings as the reason.

I feel so sick to my stomach. I feel betrayed, lied to and replaceable. If she becomes the OW,I am no competition for her. She is totally 'his type' and she likes to do all the same activities as him (which I reminded him that these were all new hobbies he picked up in the last 2 years, not the same person I met 9 years ago.)

I'm not sure what to do here. I don't think I can ever accept the idea of him dating her. I can't be around to watch this happen. It was hard enough to hear him say that he's ready to start dating... but now to know that it might be *her*. I will never get him back if they start down that path... she is everything that I wasn't in our M.... and the 'old me' is what he's walking away from.

[ces67]

(((((((((purg)))))))

So sorry. This is right back to your comment about taking your heart out, stomping on it and putting it back into you.

Please try not to get caught up in comparing yourself. No one is perfect and from what I've read on this board the WAS will only see what they want to see in OW. You're great with who you are no matter what. I hope you can take a breath and see what is really happening by your friend. Don't let your brain run out too many scenarios. Your speculation is only speculation. I hope you can find some form of the facts so you can work with the reality and not your fears (trust me, it doesn't work well, I've been there).

just a suggestion, by IMHO, if she is your friend, maybe you need to manage that conversation with her rather than place your H as the go-between. Not sure of the whole sitch so do what you think is best. just a thought.

[workinghardguy]

I'm not sure what to do here. I don't think I can ever accept the idea of him dating her. I can't be around to watch this happen. It was hard enough to hear him say that he's ready to start dating... but now to know that it might be *her*. I will never get him back if they start down that path... she is everything that I wasn't in our M.... and the 'old me' is what he's walking away from.

Purg... that's your fear talking. Does this person have good qualities and traits? Sure. But I promise she has lots of flaws too... we all do. How did she become single? How does she have interest in a married man? There are red flags there that say she has issues... I'm not saying they make her a bad person, but they immediately make me question whether she would make a good match.

Don't give in to the despair and the fear. We make things much worse in our head then they ever typically are in reality.

As far as dating... you can't control whether he does or doesn't. And right now the grass is green and verdant on the other side of the fence... maybe having him go walk around on that grass for a while will let him see it's not all it's cracked up to be.

[DestinyUnknown]

Hi PURG!!!!

(((HUGS))

I agree with CE. Please don't get caught up with the OW (if it exists). My H former OW was self-centered and only seemed to want material things my H provided, and he did so to get what he thought was "a life". I was not real, which he said he realized. Meeting with a L is smart thing to do. I remember my first visit - I sat in my car and cried before going in because I viewed it as the end. Seeing the L gives you information to help protect yourself now matter the status of our M's.

And to follow-up to WHG, the grass may appear to be greener on the other side, but time can only tell. Don't fret or give legs to what he says right now. (((HUGS))

DU

[kolja]

Got thrown for a bit of a loop myself today too - it's in my thread so I won't hijack here other than to say, keep your chin up!