Ali- as someone who posted to you, and sincerely sought to help you save your marriage if it was at all possible, I will try to answer some of your questions (I will preface it by saying that from what I know of your situation, I would probably feel the same way towards your H as you do. I will also add, I don't know how I would feel if I only heard his side of the story).
Addressing your later statements first, the goal of winning a WAW back is not to have her return to the "same guy again." Instead, the goal is for the DBing spouse to examine what it was that his W fell in love with and Change his behavior, making a life change, not a temporary one. As you have read on the boards, DBing should be a way of life. Sincere change, not tricks. I don't recall from your other posts if you picked up DBing or if you have read the whole book but that is what Michele is prescribing- change one's behavior, understand what your spouse is feeling and stop doing that which continues to make your spouse resent you.
Last I saw, your H has continuing the same behaviors that got you to this WAW point so of course you have no reason to feel differently unless you decide you want to change the dynamics of your relationship but that seems unfair, doesn't it?
As you have noticed many WAS's are also involved in EA's or PA's and this is why many Dbers talk about "Alien abduction." This spouse who promised to love honor and cherish till death "do us part" is involved with someone else, this feels like this is not the person the DBer married. Often rage comes from the WAW and many times the DBer did not have a deep understanding of how truly badly the marriage was failing, trouble yes but near fatal? From a DBer's perspective, they are wondering, "who abducted my spouse?" I have never referred to my wife's dissatisfaction with our marriage as an alien abduction and have truly sought to understand how she got to feel the way she did an das you may recall, my marriage is very much recovering.
I think you make a great point about how a WAW can feel much better once they drop the bomb, separate or actually file. The burden has been lifted and they are on track to solve their problem the only way they see they can. From the WAW's perspective, they may have pleaded, requested, hinted or demanded change to no avail. To a WAW, DBing may be seen as too little too late, or just a temporary fix so your insight will be very helpful to Dbers as to why the WAW does not change their mind when a DBer does a 180. This is why Michele emphasizes "patience." In many cases it took years of effort by the WAW to try to get a DBer to change and it may take years of DBing to show the WAW that the DBer really did learn what their spouse wants and needs. When a WAW (my wife as an example) sees that the changes are sincere and designed to be long lasting, they sometimes chose to give the marriage another chance.
DBing is not about manipulation but more about understanding interpersonal relationships, learning about one's spouses deep hurt, learning what behaviors trigger what kind of reactions and making changes. If I learn that defending my actions to my spouse only make her more angry but that expressing understanding about her hurt calms her down such that I can later, calmly talk with her about the issue, is that manipulation or is it learning to better communicate?
Ali, I have felt your frustration with your H, and you have done more to come here and ask questions than most other WAW (or future WAW's) have done. Your comments and those of Nicky and others are helpful to many Dbers who are trying to understand what their spouses are going through. I wish you well, however things turn out but it is my wish that your H was a serious Dber and that his changes became real and long lasting such that you could give your twins a household with both a mother and father who love each other and them.
C2H
BTW, it has Michelles stamp of approval:
Originally Posted By: Michele
Dear Committed2Him, I couldn't have responded any better than you even if I tried (Even if I tried really hard ) I just love your wise response and I'm going to post Ali's question and your response where it belongs- the wise advice forum. Thanks for being here and helping others as you do. Michele
