25 - Here is the first gut-wrenching introspective post that I put up (in my "Part 2"). It should cover some of the things that my wife was unhappy about and my overall role in this madness.
Also, you are correct. I was scared about adoption or going through the IVF process again. Scared to afford it, scared to not have a "plan" for raising 2 kids. We still have a frozen embryo in storage and I would love to use it. After bonding so well with my son, I DO want another one. Me not expressing a strong desire to have baby #2 was a "big wake-up call" for her. She said "You're willing to give up on my dream and I'm not!"
I wouldn't say that I was "too" into my job - I was into it, but I would come home wiped out and just want to veg out, whereas she would want to go the the park with S, cook, etc.
***********
I have been putting a lot of thought into personal introspection these last few days. Naturally, it is difficult because I am finding that it forces you to lay down your defenses and look at your actions through the eyes of your spouse to a certain degree. When the bomb was dropped in September I spent SOOO much time focusing on what was wrong with W (hormones, depression, etc.) - it was a waste. That's not to say that there wasn't/isn't validity to it - but there is nothing I can do about it at all. It was most cheeseless of cheesless tunnels I could find. That said, defenses down - here's some of my introspection about how I landed here.
I was selfish and didn't listen or pay attention to the small signs my W was sending. I operated from the standpoint that as the H, I was supposed to provide and protect and as long as I was doing that I was being a fundamentally good husband. Quote from the W on D day: "you're good at the big things - nice house, providing, finances - but you miss the little things and the little things matter!!". She would ask me to do certain things with her, like walk to the park with the baby and I would claim I was too tired because I just got back from work and just wanted to relax. She always asked me to rub her back and I only did it half the time - the other times I would just say "no" thinking that I was tired, trying to sleep or that she wouldn't do it for me if I asked.
I loved my wife the whole time, but I viewed marriage and fatherhood as responsibility - almost like a wagon that I had to pull. I didn't look at it like I see it now - it's a blessing, a gift, something that needs to be selflessly tended to. With the view I had, it didn't leave a lot of room for sitting back and appreciating my wife for simply being her....for being my wife. It was made worse by the fact that I DO have perfectionist tendencies that drive me. Without intending to, I forced my wife to deal with them. My eye never goes to what's right first - it goes to what I perceive as being wrong first and I go to "fix-it" mode. Stepping outside of myself, I can see how someone else could grow tired of that over time. Eventually, she may have thought that I was doing the same to her - not seeing her pluses, but zeroing in on her minuses and trying to fix them. She has all but said that.
There were moments that if I had an idea in my head, I wouldn't budge if she had a different idea. For example - we have a loft area upstairs in our house. The first time I stepped into the place I INSTANTLY converted it into a small home theater in my head and started making plans. After the baby was born, she wanted to change it to a play area for him with a train table, and other things. I refused to budge - even though we have a big a$$ flat screen and surround sound downstairs. Selfish. No way around it. I wouldn't even give serious thought to making it a play area. A few weeks after she said she wanted a D, I bought a train table and put it in the room and left her a note that I was sorry for being selfigh. But by then it was too late, she was already sleeping in a different room and plotting her escape to her own place. There are other examples I could give of being selfish - but just know that I see it much more clearly now.
We found a church that we both really liked. We would go every now and then - but then she started attending regularly. I didn't go with her. I chose to stay home, not because I had a problem with church but because "I have to be somewhere on time 5 days a week - I just want to enjoy down time on Sunday and not HAVE to be anywhere". I knew she wanted me to go - but I just ignored it. And yes, I would feel guilty - but I didn't change my actions. I put what I wanted above she wanted. Again, it's clear what I did wrong here and I regret it tremendously.
I ignored her subtle suggestions of things she liked me to do for her. We would wake up on Saturday mornings and she would say "Would you make us breakfast?" - I would say no, or worse yet say nothing at all. I knew that she loved when I cooked for her or when we cooked together - I just didn't pay attention.
In moments, she would bravely confess that she suffered from low self esteem and I KNEW that she needed a lot of positive feedback from me. I never gave as much as I should. I felt that she had to learn to love and accept herself - or all of the compliments in the world from me would be of little to no help at all. Clearly there was an opportunity for me to make her feel better about herself and I did not take advantage of it. I let my beliefs override her needs. Looking back, I regret that more than I can say.
I thought that as long as I was providing, giving her a good life and paying the bills that she would see me a a great husband. She was right - I missed all of the little things somehow. I missed all of the things that would have touched her soul because I felt that things that I was doing were already doing that. I was filling a round hole with a square peg and calling it a perfect fit. I was wrong. I was selfish. I was stubborn. I was blind.
I have spent so much time trying to examine what was/is wrong with her that I didn't really look at what I did to drive her away. How does a perfectionist admit that they were a less-than-ideal spouse? I was covering all of the bases that I thought mattered - and not covering the ones that mattered to her. I felt like I did improve her life - but probably just from a material standpoint - and not completely from a "true happiness" standpoint. I thought as long as there was a little blue box from Tiffany under the tree every Christmas that it would show her how much I loved her - when all she really wanted was for me to hold her hand and walk to the park with our son.
I am ashamed of myself that it had to come to this for me to have these realizations come into sharp focus when all I had to do was listen a little bit more. I can try to blame this all on depression and hormones - and maybe there is a component of that involoved, but it doesn't take away from the fact that there were REAL ISSUES driving her actions - depression or not.
So now I am asking the experts on this board - how do I fix this within myself now that I am carrying this grief around? Sure, I want to bring my family back - but I want to be BETTER first. I want her to believe that I am better and want to be back together - I just don't know how to get there from here.
I am not beating myself up here - just trying to be as honest as possible.
*****************
Also Helpful.....
Let me preface this by saying that I don't "blame" anyone for who or how I am. I will simply explain what my influences were and what has always been expected of me.
I was raised to not accept failure - ever - under any circumstances. I was literally told frequently that "failure is not an option" - neither was "partially done" or "almost". From the time I was old enough to remember, my dad always used to say this to me: "Once a job you've first begun, never leave it till it's done. Be it great or ever so small, do it right or not at all". Perfection, or the pursuit of it, was established as a criteria for success. From how well I did weekly chores to my performance in school - the expectation was perfection. Professionally and academically that has served me well. The side effects that it produced have not. As mentioned in previous post above, my eye ALWAYS goes straight to the imperfection in something with an intent to fix it. I literally have a physical reaction inside of me with I perceive something is "out of order" or wrong and I immediately try to fix it. It could be as simple as a picture hanging crooked or my closet being disorganized - I feel as though I have to make it perfect.
Soooo, how does that manifest in a relationship? Well, obviously the resulting OCD made my wife crazy - and she took it personally as if I was saying she failed to do something so now I have to do it. But more interestingly, it made me strive for this ideal of perfection as a spouse. Which, in and of itself, is noble - if and ONLY if you are pursuing that perfection as it has been defined by your spouse. In my case, I was seeking it as defined by my parents. Provide, protect....those were the big two from my father. Neatness and organization - those were the contributions from my mother. THOSE became my yard stick - and as long as I thought I was doing those (provide and protect especially) I thought I was avoiding be a failure as a father and husband. Why? Because the people that I got those marching orders from told be from birth that "failure was not an option".
So, if I put myself in my wife's shoes I can see the frustration when her set of criteria for being a good H is somewhat different. Remember - she said "you're good at the big things - but you are awful and the small things, and the small tihngs matter". She also probably felt that nothing she did measured up in my eyes. So I guess the concise answer to your question is that I had those behaviors because I thought that was how to not fail as a husband - to be perfect according to some set of criteria established by my family. They've been married 40 years - how could they be wrong, right? I thought I was a great husband because I did what I thought made a great husband....not what my wife thought made a great husband. Granted, she appreciated the things that I DID do - but it's like eating french fries without ketchup. You love the fries, but if you don't have the ketchup it isn't quite right...still good, but not "right". Well, I would guess that my W got tired of plain fries.
It's as if I was telling myself that I didn't need to make breakfast, walk in the park, or give up things I wanted because I was BEING a good husband. Selfish. Just selfish.
The irony is that in the pursuit of being a perfect husband, I was largely imperfect to my W over time. Over the last 3 months I have had nothing but time to contemplate these things and lament my mistakes. It all appears so clearly now - I know what I need (or needed) to do and I don't have the chance because my W reached her breaking point with me. Now I am in a nice, big empty house that is serving as a reminder that you can acheive all you want, but without someone to bring it to it is meaningless. I hope that life grants me a second chance with my family to be a better husband.
****************
Worth noting....
I will also say this - if there has been one benefit, one MASSIVE 180 that has come of all of this, it has been with my son. I have always loved him - but my W was always the primary caretaker and did everything with him. Three or four months ago (still being a new father) I was scared to take him out on my own, didn't do diapers very well, didn't manage his meals, the list goes on. Now I kind of feel like Mr. Mom in a lot of regards and I like it. He calls for me, falls asleep on me, brings me books to read to him - it's been awesome. We are a team. I take him to daycare and pick him up, buy his clothes, the two of us go to dinner together - it's a total 180. I am a better dad than I thought I was ever capable of being. Well, I should say I am BECOMING a better dad than I thought I was capable of being. In return, he has given me so much love and joy without even knowing it that I get choked up thinking about it. I can only hope that this situation will eventually grant me an opportunity to be a better husband to my wife one day as well.
**************
Did not MENTION changes to her, got this:
"I am glad to hear of your transformations. I wish I could’ve been instrumental in supporting them along the way, It is interesting to see that once I was gone, you were able to make changes. Whatever the case, I’m glad to hear about them."
*************
....And Finally...... Here is my problem - all of the issues that were problematic in our relationship have been my focus, W was exceptionally efficient in pointing them out. What I am struggling with is how to fix them if they centered around her and we are now living apart.
For example, she has said:
1. "You nit-pick me from the time you come home to the time you go to bed"
2. "There is no love in this house"
3. "Living with you is like having a boss"
4 ."We want different things out of life"
5. "You treat life like it's a dress rehearsal"
I have had plenty of time to reflect on these, and though I do not agree with all of them (any of them, really) I can see how she arrived at some of these conclusions. How do I 180 these if they are so very much centered around her perception of me?
Here are the things I could have done better relating to the list above:
1.) I could have learned to live with imperfections a little better. Though I don't think it nit-picked, she felt I did - so I could have held my tongue on matters that didn't really weigh much. She would say I was nit-picking her if I picked up the baby's toys when I came home, or if I asked her if she fed the dog when I got home from work. I don't THINK that's nit-picking, but if I work off of her perceptions then I could have just accepted that she had everything under control and not ask anything potentially "judging" when I got home. I will admit that I am a bit of an OCD neat freak. 180 = relax and accept the imperfections in life as evidence that someone that loves you is there.
2.) That one I just don't get. Every night I fell asleep with my arms around her and woke up the same way. I would kiss her and our son good-bye in the morning and rush home at the end of the day to be with them. I spoiled her when I could and tried to tend to all of her needs. Maybe I just missed the mark on what she interpreted as "love". What I could have done differently is tell her that I love her every day, show more affection, hold her hand more in puplic (never really did that much), bring flowers every now and then, rub her back whenever she asked, and so on. The 180 here would be all of those things above, but she isn't around anymore. Even before she moved out she wasn't interested in it. This is one that centers 100% around her that I can't 180. The best I can do is try to show as much love to our son as I can, and that is easy to do.
3.) This one is very related to #1. I think she believed that everything had to be in state of perfection for me to be happy and if it wasn't, I would blame her and be angry. This just wasn't true in my eyes, but I see her perception and need to deal with it. The 180 here would be to relax and learn to live with things that are not perfect. To know that the counters won't always be clean and the cabinets might just always be a mess - and just let it go. How do I 180 this in her eyes being in her own condo now?
4.) This one is matter of perception as well. We spent three years focusing on the one things that we both wanted - a child. We went through a brutal infertility process that had 4 failed procedures and one successful one (thank God). That process was so intense and emotion-packed we had little time to focus on anything else we wanted in life. Then when the baby came, we were so wrapped up in being new parents that we didn't talk about what else we wanted in life (travel, retirement, style of life, etc.). She had only expressed that she wanted another baby and I did not immediately agree (though I did not disagree, either). In an argument before she moved out I asked her what she wanted out of life and she just snapped "thanks for asking after 8 years" - and left the house. The 180 here could be (or could have been) sitting down when "the iron is cold" and asking her excatly what it was she wanted out of life and try to map a plan to get there together. Sad thing is, I would like another child too - and we seems miles away from there.
5.) I think this was her way of saying that "you think you have all the time in the world to live" - I.E. - let's hurry up and have another baby. I will admit that it is hard for me to make big life decisions without having a full plan in front of me. It is nearly impossible to create an 18 year plan for a child before it is even born. So I always wondered "how will we pay fo college", "will we have enough money", "will I be a good dad" - and so on. This wasn't just with the baby, but I was cautious and conservative with a lot of my judgements and that might have driven her nuts. The 180 here would have been just to simply accept living without all the answers and having faith that things would work out in the end. I should have put myself farther out on the branch than I did, but I was terrfied of failure as husband and father.
So even in her absence I am trying to work on those 180s, but without her around it is difficult. Not just because she is not there to witness, but because so many of them are directly related to her. Right now communication is highly limited so I am at a loss for exactly how to handle things right now.
I will focus on myself, but I would be a liar if part of me didn't want her to see changes. I want her to believe that coming home will be better than living alone....I want her to believe that it will be better than what she left, but I just don't know how to get that across to her. Right now, I feel like she hates me and the lack of communication and contact only pulls her farther and farther away from me - not towards me like I would have hoped. Maybe it will in time. I am hopeful.
Forgot to mention - W also said that I was too disconnected from the family. She said that I was on my iPad, BlackBerry, Mac too much. Granted, she did the exact same things more or less - but again, I can see her perspective.
There was a debate earlier this year in which she asked me to stop bringing my iPad/BlackBerry to bed. For several weeks I stopped. Then I would come upstairs to go to bed and she would be typing away on her BlackBerry. To me that said "this isn't a problem anymore" - so I brought mine back to bed. Never should have done that, because she was angry about it and let me know during the D-bomb drop in September.
She said I never sat at the dinner table with her and our son. Further supporting her claim that I was disconnected. I can see how she would see it that way - but whenever there were actual "dinners" where we cooked I was always at the table. If I walked through the door at 5:45 and she was feeding herself with one hand and feeding the baby with the other and there was really nothing made for dinner - sure, I would grab a sandwich and sit on the couch and watch the news. I retrospect, I could have done that differently if I new that it was that upsetting to her. Notwithstanding, any time she asked me to come to the table I always did.
I never FELT disconnected from them - I loved being around them, they were the center of my world. However, I can see how she could see it that way. My 180 now is to spend as much time engaged to my son as I can when he is with me. Hence the hikes, trips to the zoo, etc. - I make it about him as much as I can. Again, the down side is that even though it is a good change that I am making for myself, she will never have a chance to see it - unless I just go and trumpet it in her face, which I will not do.
