i told my daughter :"You did not do this! Nothing as stoped him from leaving before. He wasn't chained to me. You did not create this. IMO, you saved him. You gave his life a purpose. When you were born, he made the transaction from boy to man. He had a responsability and saw to it. He made sure that we had everything we needed in order for you to have a good life. He became A WONDERFUL HUSBAND AND A GREAT DAD! If he felt that way, why would he father 3 more? Why would it take him 18 years to see he didn't want this? It doesn't make sense and you are a wonderful daughter. You are a good exemple for the others to follow. You are beautiful, responsable, you work hard, you have good grades, you surrounds yourself with good friends and i am proud of the young lady that you are.
Don't believe his story for a second. Did he seem unhappy to you? We all see that he is not himself lately. Look at it as a sickness but one that will take a long, LONG time to heal. He needs to work on himself."
A year later, after he repeated his story to her, i also repeated to her to look at it as a sickness and she replied: " I have tried but i can't do it anymore! " She was done with him.
The amazing thing with this is: she is the only one who goes on with her life without regards to his needs and wants. She doesn't cancel or make her activity fit into his schedule. She is no longer afraid to say no to him. If he gets angry, she has the attitude of: He deserved it! He still makes her pay but she knows he will, and she lets it slide right off her back. I wondered sometimes if an eye for an eye is the approach she was using but came to realize that NO. She doesn't get even, she just stand her ground. I wished i was like her, many times. I get strenght from her and she doesn't know it.
I'm all alone and feeling weird. I'm not depress, not angry, not sad, not happy. I'm confused. I got all dressed up to go out and didn't have the courage to go by myself. I drove around town and came right back. All i could think about was at the beginning of all this, i did go out, 3 times, and felt out of place. I felt like i didn't belong. It was so bad that the last time, i didn't even tell my friends i was leaving and went home. I apologized to them the next day. I don't drink and i don't like crowds.
Earlier, i was feeling resentful because my kids are not here but i stoped my way of thinking and realized that if they were here, i would still feel resentful because xh wouldn't be with them. Would i want xh here with us? NO WAY! I accepted the fact that i have to compromise. I calmed myself down. D16 is celebrating with her friends.
Tomorrow, i'm going to my camp. I want to make a fun day for us, there, when they get back ( Jan 2 ). I have to go shovel the snow and split some firewood. Luckely, it is suppose to be mild.
On that note, i'll go read a book. I wish you all the best!
They did NOTHING once again exept on new year's eve. They went to XH's cousin for the night.
XH bought himself a house. No signs of OW. Amazingly, his departure for the month of January as been cancelled! He caught himself in his own lie once again.
I'm doing good. Pressure went up a bit in the beginning but i was able to bring it back down by concentrating on what i want and do the work on myself to change my reactions.
NC is still on. I saw him sitting in his truck. He gave me half a smile but i didn't aknowledge. I wasn't cold, just busy unloading grocery.
I know MLC is depression but it doesn't excuse all the pain, the lies and betrail. I got depressed and DID NOT lie and cheat and abuse anyone. In my opinion, i feel it is all a form of control to have both side of the medals. Me at home, filling my duty as a wife( without emotional bound but not allowed to date) and mother, and OWs for the fun. NO RESPONSABILITIES on eighter side. Beautiful life.
Think about it! Do they feel depress if no one confronts them? Not for a minute. Their problem araise when someone puts their foot down witch is when they go crawling back to the other.
This, to me, is all BS.
I needed his MLC to realize how his controlling ways destroyed ALL of us. I kept ignoring it and by doing so, my kids do the same. The scars are deep and i hope that by standing-up to XH for what is right will show my kids to believe in themselves and not be afraid to stand up for what is right. I am not talking about abusing back, i'm talking about making decisions or choices.
Anyway, XH didn't show up, at all, last week! He called friday night to ask if anyone waited for him Thursday. D16 said: " They did until 6:30 and made plans afterword. He, apparently, was in Toronto. He did not have any contact with anybody else than D16 because she answered the phone.
I am breaking free. I no longer want to know the why or when or who or what! I want my independance and self-esteem and self-confidence at 100 percent witch i do not have around XH and realize i haven't had, for YEARS prior to bomb. I want ME back!
Xh had brought-up the fact that we didn't have many FAMILY picture. I had told him that someone had to take the picture. Many friend and family had pictures of us but we didn't have many. Does that mean we didn't love eachother? No, not in my eyes.
At his appt, his wall was covered with pictures from the kids or HIM with the kids. Not one of me nor OW. On one of his week-end with the kids, he forgot a small detail in his appt. All the pictures had been replaced with pict. of his OW. ALL of them throughout the whole appt.
He was probably pressured by her... He was probably trying to show her she meant something but actions and words didn't match. Trouble in paradise?
The kids were hurt and confused. Damage control was on again.
Ok, E2B, it's a new year and time for fresh starts ...
your focus is still on him and OP. Time to stop wondering and guessing because it's all outside of your control anyway.
^^^this is one of the hardest pieces to truly grasp, and then master.
We spend a long time trying to make sense of it, explain it, excuse it, blame it, defend it, affect it and change it.
You can't.
Your situation was extremely volatile, and you did the best you could with very difficult circumstances.
Time to step it up a notch girlfriend, time to truly focus on you. Not to get a reaction, not to get him back ... simply because you are worthy of taking care of yourself, and THAT is the example your children need right now. Self love. Boundaries. Grace.
So what's next ...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
My focus is not always on him! I was sharing my story. I know who i am and i know i can't change someone else. I am conducting myself with pride, with self-respect and WORKING on my self-esteem. I am comming to terms with this. I have no desire to expose myself to this kind of pain anymore.
I get angry and resentful when i have to become SUPER-WOMEN! I also know it has nothing to do with XH. I am working on my parenting skills as we speak. I am working on a plan that would deligate appropriate responsabilities to each of my kids. The impact of XH MLC has got me to let go of everyday routines and responsabilities. Once you let kids get away with things, little by little, it is hard to get them back on track. We are making progress.
I will post about ME and my progress and how i got where i am instead. I see what you mean. When i reread my posts, it sounds like XH's MLC is all i think about but it is not so. I am living a full life when i'm not posting. I have friends i see everyday,i work and i have my 4 kiddos. I am very positive, wich doesn't come through on this site. I usually post to get stuff off my chest or to vent my anger but there is more to life then this.
I am moving forward...... Thanks for caring and keeping me on track! I appreciate it!
... so the kids go to dad's and notice the pictures, which, I'm assuming they then came home and asked you/talked to you about ('cause someone who is detaching certainly wouldn't be asking questions right? )...
... why do damage control? Perhaps, first I need to ask what you mean by "damage control" here ...
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
My focus is not always on him! I was sharing my story.
Really? 'Cause from where I'm reading it sounds like his story from your perspective. Your story should have a lot more YOU in it.
Originally Posted By: exquisitetobe
I know who i am and i know i can't change someone else. I am conducting myself with pride, with self-respect and WORKING on my self-esteem. I am comming to terms with this. I have no desire to expose myself to this kind of pain anymore.
Pain caused by him or pain caused by you?
Originally Posted By: exquisitetobe
I get angry and resentful when i have to become SUPER-WOMEN!
Sh*t girl! Join the club ... I used to be the president!
Originally Posted By: exquisitetobe
I am working on my parenting skills as we speak. I am working on a plan that would deligate appropriate responsabilities to each of my kids. The impact of XH MLC has got me to let go of everyday routines and responsabilities. Once you let kids get away with things, little by little, it is hard to get them back on track. We are making progress.
Good. It'll be good for them, and good for you.
Originally Posted By: exquisitetobe
I will post about ME and my progress and how i got where i am instead. I see what you mean. When i reread my posts, it sounds like XH's MLC is all i think about but it is not so. I am living a full life when i'm not posting. I have friends i see everyday,i work and i have my 4 kiddos. I am very positive, wich doesn't come through on this site. I usually post to get stuff off my chest or to vent my anger but there is more to life then this.
I'm glad you see it. E2B, I was very positive on the outside ... some of my friends and family didn't know what was going on below the surface at all. I GAL'd like a pro, took care of business and met most of my responsibilities. To the outside world I'm sure I looked fine. Underneath ... I was still broken. I still noticed every little thing, even if I said I wasn't. I still wondered where he was and who he was with, even if I said I wasn't. I still wanted him to "come to his senses" ... you guessed it, even if I said I wasn't. Detaching isn't a physical act, it's an emotional state.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
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