? for people who have gone to Retrouvaille

[25yearsmlc]

Hopeful79

please stop freaking out.
If your h says he'll go to Retrovaille and he goes, he WILL get something out of it.

But you must NOT say a word about ANY pressure or hope you have for more than what he says...do not mention the "low %" chances or "Small possibility" just assume and expect nothing

or at least SAY NOTHING to your H about it...not a word about working on the m.

You are doing a lot of mind reading about what his anger means but I'd take it at face value for now.

He says NOT to discuss the future together with him so do NOT discuss it other than as a co parent.

So stop shooting yourself in the foot with your mouth.

Your worries and fears are crippling you and hurting your cause. You have to get a grip.

When you go to Retrovaille, and frankly I'm surprised he's going b/c when we went, each party PRIVATELY had to assure the Retrovaille people that no OW or OM would be interefering in the weekend or the marriage.

Do not ask your h about that^^^ please. Just say nothing about it and be glad that he's going.

So, once you get there and hear the other "team" couples share their stories, (which will make some of your problems shrink by comparison) you'll both hear things that surprise you. Let what sinks in YOU be your focus on and not what sinks into HIM....

I can't help but think you're worsening things with the talking and trying to convince him to try. It's like you are doing the opposite of DBing.
The more you try to persuade him, the more he'll resist that.

So back off big time.


Go to Retrovaille and trust THEIR process,

and let THEIR words sink into him but focus on yourself.

Do not go to it and keep staring at him to see if he's "getting it" or changing his mind yet.

Do NOT take the temperature of the r while you are there at all. Retrovaille does that enough for you but subtly..


It's a process and by that I mean that when we went, we were open minded but it started off a bit slow for me.

I listened and reflected but kind of just waited. They'd give us assignments and we'd do them together or apart (they'll tell you which)

and we'd share and learn. Things were revealed by h and me and sank in me over the weekend.

I was surprised by some of what h said and it's important to follow the rules the folks there give you. Such as do NOT ARGUE or disagree with what your h says he FEELS - b/c that is what he feels.

So again, back off. If you knew what I knew about Retrovaille (only b/c we went) you'd let it unfold and instead of taking your h's temperature and clinging to any sign

work on YOU and your part in the future, you'd do YOUR work and let him do his. For instance, How will YOU co=parent with this man?


FWIW, my gut says you are so fraught with fear about losing him you have not seriously examined how well YOU have been treated in this marriage, or how poorly.

At some point you may want to address some of the other issues you have with him, like why he'd never let you meet his work people and how you were treated in the m -

but Retrovaille's weekend does not pretend to solve all your issues. There is a follow up part of this program, over several weeks, to address those concerns - but the weekend itself is to jump start things AND to see if there's something to "rediscover" in the r, which is what the word Retrovaille means.

Do not tell your h that^^...just go, listen and trust their process.


For now, just get through the weekend with the hopes that you'll get along better after it's over. How about that as your stated goal? Maybe it'll be the friendship you have and that's it...

but really really do NOT pursue him now. I'd say nothing more than "hopefully we'll learn how to get along better, for son's sake so his future is smoother" and leave it at that. It's true anyhow and it lessens the pressure your h is feeling. A lot of that pressure is coming from YOU projecting your hopes onto him...the more you talk about it, the more nervous he'll be. Act as if you get that it's all about what's best for son now and that's all this weekend is about and you're okay with it and you'll listen to the folks talking but you get it...you "get" that he's done....no pressure from you. Got it?



and don't speculate about what he is feeling now or why. Anyone going to a retreat gets nervous before, so stop freaking.

Back off, relax and trust their process and

if you once had a great marriage then trust that in time those good memories will resurface in his memory.

IF YOU point them out or ask him to recall them, HE WILL SUPPRESS THEM so get out of the way and back off so he can allow them to come to him and he won't spend his energy resisting your efforts b/c he wont' see them...

give him the space he needs for now.

Hope this helps.

(( ))