Venting: it's offical, the roller coaster ride is killing me! Last night I woke up countless times just thinking about the D. I had been enouraged by my W's acknowledgement that she was probably Ding the man I was not the man I am and that statement gave me slight hope that we were making progress. I even allowed myself to think she might be considering giving the M/R another go. Then the next day I was discouraged by her coldness regarding our R/M. Today I find out that her L got the temporary arrangements hearing (where she is asking the Court to remove me from the house and for her to get custody of the kids) moved forward because she does not want to continue living together under the same roof any longer and she does not have the money for her own place. Ugg! At times I feel great about myself and my new habits and don't care about what my W is doing. At other times I feel like I want to crawl in a hole because she is not responding to my changes in the way I want. I am all over the map. There are moments when I want to tell my W, I've had an awakening, don't you get that? Everything can be different in our M/R. Please take a look at the man right in front of you, the man you say has changed, and give him a shot. There are other moments when I want to say, you're right, this M/R isn't working at all. I want to be in a loving relationship with someone who loves me. Sometimes I want to ask her if she is having a PA or is interesting in OM. Sometimes I want to ask OW on a date because I am so lonely. When I get this way I feel so tempted to initiate a R conversation. I know that to be a better man, husband, and father, I need to be on this journey. I am just wondering when it will end. The ride continues.
Hang in there JamesG! You're not alone. Your vent sounds almost exactly like the feelings I've dealt with as well. It hurts and I'm sorry for what you're having to deal with.
Something to think about...when I find myself in these venting moods, I've discovered that its a wake up call to myself that I may be making changes more for my W than for me. I want her to notice so bad and want her to change her mind about me. But then its obvious that I've given her control of my happiness. I just can't do that anymore. It hasn't helped me be the person I want to me.
Give yourself the opportunity to do this for yourself. I also get the desire to want to just find someone else who will love you. But again, is that just placing your happiness in another person's hands?
Hope you can let go of the expectations that you're setting up for yourself and your W. It will help if you can choose the behaviors you want because its who you want to be. At first, it feel empty and fake but as you progress, it can be a feeling of freedom as you start living a life you feel good about.
Take care of yourself. Its certainly a crazy ride so find some good rest-stops along the way!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Thanks for the great feedback, 67. This process has me so inside my head that sometimes what is obvious to an outsider is totally lost on me. You are correct about the personal wake up call, I have given my W control over my happiness. I find myself flip flopping between doing things I say are for me (but may really be for my W) and doing things I know are for me that help me GAL and do 180s. The same behavior often creates both responses in my head. Right now I feel awake and more confidence and stronger than I have in years. At the same time I feel so weak and insecure because the R/M is going through a D. I know I am not detached enough. I have to find a way to reach that place consistently. When my W leaves the house and I have the kids, I feel good about things but when she returns I am always tempted to engage her about the R/M (as if something I could say would get her to change her mind). You are also correct, I can see now that I am creating expectations that they are setting me up. I will take your insights to heart. Thank you very much. The process continues.
James someone said to look at your S as if she is a new date. Would you beg her to love you on the 1st date? Would you cry and plea for her love on day one? Would you ask her to reconsider?
Sounds crazy but it kinda makes sense. hang in there it gets easier, they tell me.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Update: W and I had a short conversation last night during which I backslid by asking W why she was Ding me if she says she is Ding the man I was and not the one she says has changed. She said we are S not M and the S is not a M and we have not been M since the S. She said she is not M to the new man. She said does not even know the new man. She said she would have to get to know him but did not want to stop the D process to do that or create any room to do it. She said she cannot take the risk and is upset that it took her filing for D to get my attention when she told me so many times over the years to shape up. She repeated that she gave the old man so many chances and she did not want to give the new man another chance even if he isn't the old man. She said if the new man had done what he is doing 6 or 12 months ago we would not be getting a D. She also said that she did not know if I would continue the changes. I told her my door is aways open. She thanked me for that.
We go to court for the temporary arrangements hearing at the end of the month. She is requesting the house and full custody of the kids. Not sure what will happen but based on her previous words to me, I believe she will be very upset if she does not get in court what she is requesting. I have no idea how the legal system works but my L tells me that the temporary arrangement is likely to be more balanced than W is requesting. I am not asking a legal question here but a DB question: if my W does not get what she wants at this hearing and is faced with the reality of the D process being more challenging than she thought and after that (assuming she does not blame me for being difficult) wants to discuss the R/M because reality and an idealized post-M new life are not the same, how do members of this forum think I should respond?
Thanks, Rick. I get what you're saying in terms of a technique and you're absolutely correct, I wouldn't do any of those things with a new date, but the complication comes because with a new date a person doesn't have history, kids, etc. I may be lying to myself about my motives but what I am trying to understand is how she can tell me that she sees changes in me and she concedes she is Ding wjp I used to be but she continues to move forward with the D.
Thanks, 2TP. I have been maintaining eye contact and validating like crazy. At times, she validates the validation saying something like, if you had only done that then we wouldn't be in this situation or we wouldn't be getting a D if you had made changes when I asked you the first 100 times. I then validate those statements. She actually asked me why I wasn't as up beat when I got home last night as I had been recently. I didn't say what I wanted to say (the obvious) I just rolled with it. I sense there is the tiniest of openings for us but her unwavering commitment to the D process makes me think I am fooling myself or setting myself up for failure.
2tp is correct. But also you have to protect yourself first and foremost. I was told the same that I am saying to you. Initially I was handing all of it over to her and looking for a homeless shelter.....
Are you willing to lose everything in the hopes she doesn't get pissed? really? If she is going to D you have to protect yourself financially and the kids. Let the L's do the dirty work just say he told you to say or put that in the agreement. You have to treat it as a financial deal/business like. I know it is weird to fight someone you love and been with for decades. But that is what a D is, adversarial. Hang in there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Thanks, Rick. I have put the legal matters in the hands of my L. When my W raises legal issues at home I say the same thing every time, the Ls can work that out. I will fight for as much time as I can get with my kids. What I meant about her getting upset is that I strongly suspect that if she doesn't get what she wants from the temporary arrangments hearing that she will lash out at me. If she does, so be it. I am not willing to concede time with my kids (time that cannot be gotten back) to apease her. If she doesn't like it, we don't have to get a D.
You are right, it is a wierd balance, conducting business with a person you love. That is the D process no matter how much I want it to look like something else.
