Asking for Help / Advice Please Part 2

[edgarb]

Yeah, I said I wouldn't check FB anymore, but I gave in. Anyway, here's how it went down this weekend:

It was pouring rain all day Saturday and Sunday. I texted her on Sunday morning and said that since it was raining, it didn't look like we would be able to go to the park. I said she was welcome to come by the house if she liked and that i was making soup for lunch. Here reply was:

"thanks for the soup invite, but i'm going to stay here and have lunch with mom. maybe we can do the park thing some other day."

I just replied, "ok, maybe some other time" and let it go at that. It's clear she doesn't want to come by the house. But I gathered the following information: She was excited to see me when she responded on friday. For some reason, she doesn't want to come to my (our) house. She gave a polite "no" and said it was ok to ask her again at some point in the future.

Think I'm reading too much into that? I think it went as well as could be expected given that we didn't get to see each other. Any thoughts, ideas, advice? Thanks!

[edgarb]

So a weird thing happens today. We are big Alabama football fans and last night after the game was over my ex texted me roll tide. This morning I responded and said it was a great game, etc and is he'd her luck on a big test she has tomorrow. She continued to talk about the game and we got to talking a out new Orleans and such and how it's a fun place and we'd like to experience it sober. Before long she asks if she can see the dogs on friday. I said sure and she knows im going out of town this weekend so she said she could drop the by the vet to board for me. I said thanks and we will see but I would like to tell them bye bc I will miss them. The rest of the afternoon she texted me telling me how much she missed them and how hard it was not to get to see them and play with them etc. at one point she told me she pulled off the side of the road to cry. I just said that I understand that it's hard on her and she came back withi could never know how hard it is and she misses them so much and then she said she knew I didn't
Want to hear that kind of stuff. I told her that I didn't mind hearing how she felt about things and that I would be ok if she wanted to talk about her thoughts or feelings and that I would do what I could to help. She just said thank you and we left it at that. It was the most she's texted me in forever and Im not quite sure what to make of it. I tried to just be understanding and leave it at that. I didn't
Know what else to do. She is coming over Friday to see them and I told her I would be here and she didn't seem to mind. We will see how it goes. Thoughts o opinions?

[kolja]

Seems like a positive baby step to me. Just listening, not offering any additional 'insight' or opinion, is something my DB coach has suggested would be helpful in my situation, and it seems like that's just what you did...

[edgarb]

Seems like a positive baby step to me. Just listening, not offering any additional 'insight' or opinion, is something my DB coach has suggested would be helpful in my situation, and it seems like that's just what you did...

Yeah that's what I tried to do. My DB coach says the same thing. I wanted to say COME HOME THEN lol but of course I refrained from that. It's weird how she had the opportunity to see them on Sunday but declined. I kinda wish I had reiterated that she can see them whenever she wants but I'm glad I didn't because I've said that before. We will see how Friday goes. I'm going to be here when she comes bc I haven't seen her in over a month and I left a key for her last time. Like I said earlier, I think some face time would be good.

[kolja]

I haven't seen mine in about 10 days now, though I know she's been to the house at least twice while I was at work. Seems like she just doesn't want to be there when I'm there, which I suppose sounds par for the course for where we are right now.

[edgarb]

To catch you all up to speed over the last few days...

We didn't talk at all yesterday. Today I texted to say i hope the text went well. she responded and we've been talking and kind of flirting a bit for the last little while. It's been nice. She's coming over tomorrow (unless she bails) to see the dogs and I plan to be there. Hopefully things will go well. I'm probably way off, but it seems she's been much more talkative of late. hopefully that's a good sign.

[edgarb]

I haven't seen mine in about 10 days now, though I know she's been to the house at least twice while I was at work. Seems like she just doesn't want to be there when I'm there, which I suppose sounds par for the course for where we are right now.

Just keep hanging in there and doing the DB thing. Believe me, it is a SLOW process. I know you've gotten some bad news lately, but keep up working on it. It isn't over until you say it's over. Hey, look at me, we got D over a year ago and i'm still going lol

[kolja]

The DB thing may already be STARTING to slowly pay off for me (just barely, but wasn't there something about noticing the small positives??) so there's definitely truth to what you say!

[edgarb]

The DB thing may already be STARTING to slowly pay off for me (just barely, but wasn't there something about noticing the small positives??) so there's definitely truth to what you say!

One of the most important things you can do is learn to recognize small positives. My DB coach is really big on that. She can even make me see what i thought was a negative situation or interaction in a positive way! The thing to remember though, is not to overanalyze while looking for a positive in something. I have a hard time with that sometimes. Also, another important thing....quit while the interaction is still positive. Don't drag it out in other words. I used to have a tendency to get a positive response, and then go for a little bit extra, trying to make her say she still cared, or something of the sort. That has the opposite effect of what you are trying to achieve so learn to quit while you're ahead and live to fight another day.

[kolja]

Exactly - for example, yesterday the TOPIC wasn't positive, but the interaction was better than it had been. So, that's something.