M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I've found I like going to the movies alone. I could always ask a friend but I often go on the spur of the moment and see whatever sounds good, not really caring whether it turns out to be good or bad.
I saw Ides of March this weekend and enjoyed it. Of course, looking at George Clooney and Ryan Gosling helped!
It was set in Cincy, one of my favorites cities. Thought of jbnati.
I'm glad you mentioned that - I remember when the commercials for it were out thinking it was one I wanted to see, but I had completely forgotten about it!
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
I've found I like going to the movies alone. I could always ask a friend but I often go on the spur of the moment and see whatever sounds good, not really caring whether it turns out to be good or bad.
I saw Ides of March this weekend and enjoyed it. Of course, looking at George Clooney and Ryan Gosling helped!
It was set in Cincy, one of my favorites cities. Thought of jbnati.
Is this the recent movie with G Clooney where his wife is cheating on him?
Thanks everyone for the support!!!!!!!!!!! I can't imagine where I/we would have been without this blog and you great people.
A thought I had today is that the advice to "keep the road home paved and smooth" is so key. When the bomb dropped and all of this was still in the explosion stage, everyone got so alienated from each other. Someone, and I think it was 25yrs, first said this expression to me and it stuck. From that point whenever any trial or spike in the horror of this situation occured I would keep this in my head as a mantra, and it has definitely helped our sitch. Also, it takes one to tango really makes sense too. When everyone else was still freaking out and lashing out I would keep this same phrase in my head and react accordingly. If I hadn't, while taking the emotional beating, managed to keep the road home open and smooth, our M would never had reached a stage where this might possibly work out. There's a long way to go, and I don't know where this will lead but I do see that whatever the outcome the DB principles are sound.
It wasn't easy though. There was a point where many where telling me to move on for my and my kids good, that I was being played/used, that if I have any self respect I would kick her out, have Kelli move in, where's my manhood, you name it.
I just started telling people to stay out of it, and if they really wanted an explanation then understand that it took both of us to get here, and that my W is in a true crisis, that I love her and will give her whatever time she needs and whatever support she needs even if it means she leaves for good, and finally, to "f" off if you don't respect my love for her. It was quite the lonely path mind you, but it set people straight and plowed the road back open for her to return if she wants to.
Here's a specific example. My Dad and step-Mom were crushed by the bomb dropping. They were extremely worried, and heartbroken over this. They saw what was going on, on the surface due to the bomb and reacted as parents will. They wanted to protect me from what they saw and wanted their grandsons protected from it too. On the surface my W looked like the villian in the story. They sorely missed my W, our family, etc. On the surface it looked to them that my W had just blown them off and had said F.U. to the family. My W felt judged by them and that kept everyone further apart.
I stepped in and told my parents that, while I understand their concern, they need to understand the full story and understand that she is not the villian but is reacting to an extreme crisis. They were very concerned for my welfare but respected what I was doing and why. They just were worried that I might fall apart from the stress.
The point is, the judgement stopped and the road home for my W was further open. Yesterday, my W received a nice letter from my step-Mom that said how much they miss her and understand her troubles and are hoping for the best. A few months ago my W wouldn't have even read it, but I saw how much she was touched by it and I could see here tension level decreasing even more. It's like she can breathe deeper.
Rick- It's great to read your updates. It shows us what can be possible if we are dedicated in fighting the good fight. We read so much negativity that its nice to get a positive story like yours.
You continue to be a great source of inspiration! Whenever I feel like nothing I do is working to help me, reading your posts are a great reminder that it *does* take a long time, but things can have a positive outcome
This stuck with me: "They were extremely worried, and heartbroken over this. They saw what was going on, on the surface due to the bomb and reacted as parents will. They wanted to protect me from what they saw and wanted their grandsons protected from it too."
My parents have reacted similarly. They keep saying they don't hate or blame H, but that they want to make sure the boys and I are protected/taken care of. I have asked my parents to reach out to H so that he knows he isn't the 'bad guy'... it hasn't worked. H has told me that he feels that my side of the family hates him and this feeling comes from the lack of their interactions with him. I've tried to reassure him that I have never spoken bad about him to anyone, in fact I convey that most of the blame is on me. H doesn't believe me. Any suggestions on how to get him to see that I'm not spewing obscenities about him?? (sorry, didn't mean to hijack, but you seemed to have success with creating peace amongst the families)
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Purg - hijack to your heart's content...your dilemma was my dilemma for so long. My W was in no way able to even consider that the family (both sides) wasn't involved in a witch hunt. And like your H my W would not accept anyone reaching out, nor would she reach out to them.
In fact, I think that explains so many EA's. It's somewhere the wounded animal can go and feel safe, no pressure from family obligations, no judgement.
I don't think your h can accept the family until he begins to thaw. From the WAS perspective, the family and possible judgement, and the obligation is just more of a reminder of what they are running from.
I see this with my W. It starts with me. Until she could see and accept that changes in me were possibly real, then and only then could she start to feel more comfortable at home, then with other family members. So really, it took one to tango. If I hadn't of had the will to admit my role in this, work on me for the better no matter what the outcome (still not sure what that will be), give my wife the unlimited and no strings acceptance of what she needed to do for herself, then the road home would never had been open. And that includes the roads home to other family. But while the WAS rage and incindiery mindset are still in full on mode, then you just have to let time work its magic.
Also, the road back has to be accepted as what the divine wills it to be, as where your H is in his quest, in where you are in your program to evolve. All those factors play into it so it may take what appears to be a weird road back but whose to say it's not a better road?
For example, I would have thought my W (in my earlier mindset) would have simply had the light bulb go off in her head, she moves back into our BR, and we live happily ever after. Instead, we keep going on these frequent "dates". We are not physically intimate, yet we have been having the greatest times together. It's like we are 13 yrs old and are dating but too young to be intimate (at least as it was in my day). Whenever she needs comfort she just leans into me, I hug her and let her go. She doesn't hug back but just accepts it. Its like in the DB book where they talk about seeing the small steps. It's certainly a new road for us because in the first go round we moved into together, got engaged' had our first kid all right away and extremely fast. Maybe this time its two very different evolved people feeling out this new world. I'm watching her tentatively reach out to all these new areas for herself, trying on all these new concepts and ways of living and it really is sweet to watch. Whatever happens to us I feel I'll be always love that she has the guts to face all of her demons and will always love her no matter where i end up in this.
And like you I wish more DB'ers would post their successes. From my perspective it's as important for others to see that, as well as for me to hear their input on it just as it was when things were god awful. I'd love to hear more of how people came to terms with this and evolved and hopefully R.
