Thanks everyone for the support!!!!!!!!!!! I can't imagine where I/we would have been without this blog and you great people.
A thought I had today is that the advice to "keep the road home paved and smooth" is so key. When the bomb dropped and all of this was still in the explosion stage, everyone got so alienated from each other. Someone, and I think it was 25yrs, first said this expression to me and it stuck. From that point whenever any trial or spike in the horror of this situation occured I would keep this in my head as a mantra, and it has definitely helped our sitch. Also, it takes one to tango really makes sense too. When everyone else was still freaking out and lashing out I would keep this same phrase in my head and react accordingly. If I hadn't, while taking the emotional beating, managed to keep the road home open and smooth, our M would never had reached a stage where this might possibly work out. There's a long way to go, and I don't know where this will lead but I do see that whatever the outcome the DB principles are sound.
It wasn't easy though. There was a point where many where telling me to move on for my and my kids good, that I was being played/used, that if I have any self respect I would kick her out, have Kelli move in, where's my manhood, you name it.
I just started telling people to stay out of it, and if they really wanted an explanation then understand that it took both of us to get here, and that my W is in a true crisis, that I love her and will give her whatever time she needs and whatever support she needs even if it means she leaves for good, and finally, to "f" off if you don't respect my love for her. It was quite the lonely path mind you, but it set people straight and plowed the road back open for her to return if she wants to.
Here's a specific example. My Dad and step-Mom were crushed by the bomb dropping. They were extremely worried, and heartbroken over this. They saw what was going on, on the surface due to the bomb and reacted as parents will. They wanted to protect me from what they saw and wanted their grandsons protected from it too. On the surface my W looked like the villian in the story. They sorely missed my W, our family, etc. On the surface it looked to them that my W had just blown them off and had said F.U. to the family. My W felt judged by them and that kept everyone further apart.
I stepped in and told my parents that, while I understand their concern, they need to understand the full story and understand that she is not the villian but is reacting to an extreme crisis. They were very concerned for my welfare but respected what I was doing and why. They just were worried that I might fall apart from the stress.
The point is, the judgement stopped and the road home for my W was further open. Yesterday, my W received a nice letter from my step-Mom that said how much they miss her and understand her troubles and are hoping for the best. A few months ago my W wouldn't have even read it, but I saw how much she was touched by it and I could see here tension level decreasing even more. It's like she can breathe deeper.
