WHG: Chasing that rabbit with the pocketwatch

[2thepoint]

"But tonight makes the third night in a row that she's been home. Granted I've had GAL forcing her to be home, but in the past she'd be out the door minutes after I get home."

It's all about the SPACE! Once the WAW feels like they finally have space, their behavior moderates considerably. Of curse the timeline in your W's mind is also a factor here, but the space is the big piece for sure!

[oldtimer]

The goal remains MORE space than she wants. She's happy as a cat right now. Only if she has MORE space than she wants will she begin to feel the loss of you and assess if she wants that loss. The assessment and decision has to come from her. But she won't ever get to the point of assessing as long as you are comfortably, surely, there on the back burner. She has no reason too as long as you remain a sure thing.

[workinghardguy]

OT... this is what I still struggle with... figuring out what is "more space". So two instances from this morning, one I think clear and one muddy...

First, the clear one... W told kids she was going to put away the laundry today since the kids have a half-day of school so she wouldn't get a nap today anyway. Then, 15 seconds later she comes to me as I'm getting ready to leave and asks when I'll be home from work. Now... this is code... it's code for "I'd like you to come home early from work to watch the kids so I can take a nap." It's funny how communication patterns develop over years, but I know that's the code because otherwise she would've asked me if I was going to be home "normal time." Normally, on a day like today when I have an open afternoon, I would've come home early. I wouldn't have wanted to, but I would have. Today I told her I'd be home my normal time or a little later depending on work, and then I head straight to a Board meeting. She frowned and muttered "ok". I left for work. I think that was the right tack.

The muddier one is that shortly before I was to leave for work I ask my S if he has his lunchbox. S says no... long story short his lunch isn't even made and his lunchbox is still in my W's car from yesterday. He has to leave for school in 5 minutes and W is still getting the other two kids ready. Basically she forgot and isn't even aware of it yet. So I struggled with the right response... make his lunch? Tell W she forgot? Just let it go and let W figure it out when S freaks out? In the end I made his lunch. I was torn though... part of me felt that it's still part of my responsibility since we're still a parenting team and I really like making his lunch (it lets me sneak in something special and I always put in a little note which he loves). But part of me thought is it just enabling my W?

Then I realized that S's homework also hadn't been done or addressed, so we quickly sat down and read his book and filled out his paperwork. Again, this is something my W should have done last night but didn't, and the kids were in bed by the time I got home. Again... do I just let the homework go undone? The world doesn't end if a kindergartner's homework isn't done... but I struggle with leaving S hanging because mom didn't follow through (and neither did I... I could have checked his backpack when I got home last night at 9:30pm).

I found it quite ironic then that as my W was walking out the door with the kids to get them to school she says to me, "some day my life won't be this crazy in the morning and I can sleep in..." Really?

[Mach1]

OT... this is what I still struggle with... figuring out what is "more space".

It is a struggle...that balance between enough and too much...

I am convinced that too much is just the right amount in this.

And I think your balance is thrown off because you appear to be looking over your shoulder to see where she is...

Try to not check your rear view mirror so much...

Just give this time and let it breathe on it's own for a while.

Just be....finish the work on you

[Grace_O]

I don't see what you did as enabling her. You were taking care of your son. With 3 kids (or even 2 in my case) things get overlooked/forgotten etc. I would focus more on the message you gave your son ("You're ubber important" "Of course I will do this for/with you because this is what Dad's do") than her.

Nicely done by the way

HUGS

[oldtimer]

GM has it right.

I don't know about the "enabling" language. What you were doing is parenting W, fixing things for W, judging W, showing W she couldn't handle stuff on her own, etc... None of that good. W would have gotten lunch for S, homework may or may not have gotten done. You ASSume W can't handle it and take over. Not great.

Imagine you had an overly intrusive houseguest who was constantly fixing things behind you who had overstayed her welcome who then did the things you did this morning while you were trying to get the kids to school. How would you feel?

Divide up parenting duties. Give her space to parent as she wants BY HERSELF. On mornings it is her job to get the kids off to school, leave the house early so that you are not tempted to interfere and go into Mr. Fixit My Way mode. GET OUT OF THE WAY.

[workinghardguy]

But you can make a note of it to her.

This is actually the place I'm hung up on. We have split the duties. Last week we agreed, as she was on vacation all this week, she would get the kids off to school each morning and that Monday through Thursday this week she would pick up the kids and do after-school care. That was why I told her I would not take S to school this morning when she asked if I could. She agreed and I had already made plans that took me in the opposite direction.

So this morning when I realized S's lunch wasn't done I went in search of his lunchbox. Then I found his homework sitting in his bag. Where I paused was whether I should point this out to W or just fix it and let it go.

I wasn't assuming W couldn't handle it... the fact is she had not handled it as she had agreed to do. But I could not sit and read with S and make his lunch. But I also didn't feel I should tell my W what to do. I was choosing to pick up the slack so I asked SD to read with S while I went to make his lunch.

When W came downstairs she saw SD and S reading. She asked why. I told her that I found his homework still in his backpack and not done. She apologized and said it was because she was feeling so sick and out of it last night. I said ok and I understand that.

I had not planned on pointing out the issue to her. It ended up happening anyway however.

As far as getting out early... that was the intent. It was as I was heading out the door that S asked about his lunch. Next time I simply need to redirect him to mom to ask that question.

who had overstayed her welcome who then did the things you did this morning while you were trying to get the kids to school. How would you feel?

Honestly? I'd be grateful. Obviously it means I had dropped the ball and I'm glad someone picked it up. Which is probably part of my problem.

[oldtimer]

"I wasn't assuming W couldn't handle it... the fact is she had not handled it as she had agreed to do."

You have no idea what would have happened if you hadn't intervened. My guess is W would have managed to make S lunch, and might have helped him catch up with homework tonight. Who knows?

What is clear is that things did not go as YOU would have wanted them too, so you did your best to fix things to make them go that way. W is an adult with 3 kids. She would have managed.

Try leaving the house before the kids are up to help you control yourself Mr. Fixit ;-)

Why is your W sick all the time, BTW?

And, FWIW, I seriously doubt that you'd be happy if a really intrusive person who was judging you, criticizing you, fixing stuff behind you for weeks on end found yet another way to interfere in your day, show how you are coming up short, make things go their way. Don't think you'd like it a bit, really.

[workinghardguy]

I texted W today to confirm that she is getting the kids to school tomorrow and letting her know I am leaving earlier than normal. So yes, I'll be out of the house before it's time for the kids to leave.

might have helped him catch up with homework tonight

Except that's not how it goes... he can't move to the next book until he reads the current book three times, does his flashcards, and gets his form signed and returns the current book. Then he gets the next book. The expectation is one book per day. Though I realize the world won't end if he misses a day and falls behind a book or two. I know there are other kids in the class who will fall behind too. I just don't want my S being that kid if he doesn't have to be. Though I suppose if he is that kid and it makes him mad (which it will) he'll bug mom to follow through more.

I think it's the stress as far as the sickness. GB... it's not the nights, or not exclusively. She was constantly sick before the nights and during the nights. Of course, her non-work "night schedule" probably plays into it too. However, she's always had crappy health when she's under stress. Tonight she's running a 101 fever... so clearly she has something.

[workinghardguy]

And I think your balance is thrown off because you appear to be looking over your shoulder to see where she is...

Meant to comment earlier on this from Mach... yes, you are 100% on. I am still looking over my shoulder to see where she is. Not nearly as much as I used to, but still too much. That remains a work in progress.