IB - I think all of us really really miss our former spouses, and who they were, I say this not to trivialise your emotions, but to say I so know how you feel.

Just before my xh started his MLC he had made a long journey and stopped by friends who invited him to stay over before driving the 100 or so miles more to see me. They are good friends who serve superb food and wine, but my xh said he just wanted to get back and see me again! [These friends told me that after he had left when I believed the garbage that he never loved me]

As the song says 'It isn't me who changed but you' They are utterly changed, and it is so very hard to accept that. I remember someone saying here that death would be easier to bear, and being beaten up by another poster, who seemed to think they were wishing their ex spouse dead. I do not wish him dead, but I have a couple of widowed friends who have told me that they think what I have gone through in some ways is harder than their trauma. They volunteered this btw - I didn't ask!