Our story

[kolja]

Today I had another visit with my local counselor. I had to return her signed copy of DR which she had graciously loaned me, aside from the fact that the visits ARE in fact helpful to me.

She gave me a suggestion of how to reply next time my wife tries to bait me with comments like "you caused all this!" but I'm not entirely sure how well it meshes with DB techniques - she suggested next time I receive a comment like that, to counter with "I never wanted any of this, I'm sorry for the things I've done and haven't done that go us here. I've learned a lot about myself, and I still want to do what it takes to make this work." It seems like it MIGHT be rather 'pursuing' at this point, and I don't know what kind of reception it would get given what my wife's headspace seems to be right now. I may file it away for a more opportune time.

My counselor DID help lead me to a realization from the things I've been learning about myself. After last week's discussion/argument about spousal maintenance, 25 and bustorama pointed out where I had been corrective and controlling. Taking that on board and looking at myself, I realized I was using the same interaction habits I used at work. Today my counselor stepped me towards a deeper epiphany with regards to that. Why did I not draw a line between how I interacted with people I work with and my wife and her friends and family?

I'VE NEVER HAD TO. Between marriages, I was pretty much on my own. Dating never got to the point of cohabitation. The few short periods of time I had roommates, they were from the same profession. Aside from a couple life long friends that I only see when i get to visit home, the people I socialize with are from the same profession. And of course when we're deployed we're with each other 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 6 or more months at a shot. Writing it out now, even I sit back and say "well, duh, stupid" and I'm sure many who will read this are thinking the same thing.

I found out that the other book that I thought my counselor had loaned me, "The Love Dare," she had actually given to me to keep. Today she gave me another one to keep (because you're supposed to write in it). It started with her asking how I was taking care of myself emotionally, and one of the things I do (and the first one I told her about) was making a CONSCIOUS decision to be happy about things, even things that not long ago I would have considered inane and not paid much attention to. Letting negativity from work (or traffic, or any number of other things) get to me and fester was one of the things my wife had, in the past, said specifically bothered her. So, not only is this a coping mechanism, it's also kind of a 180. Like this morning, I consciously decided to be happy about my swim. In the past, the morning workout was just a block to tick off, an item on the mental to do list to cross off. But I decided to embrace the sense of accomplishment and CONSCIOUSLY enjoy it. Same with the view of the islands and mountains walking into work.

So after explaining this, my counselor handed me a 'simple abundance gratitude' journal - the idea being that every day you list 5 things, no matter how simple, that you were grateful for that day. Just list them, no essay (like I'm apparently writing here). In the preface it says that if you do that every day for even just a couple months, you can't HELP but have a better outlook.