Okay, I'm trying to detach. I'm working like crazy on my 180 & gal... but my W and I have been seeing each other every day since she moved out. We do family things ( walks, dinners, parties) & today she called twice... Had half hour conversations & several really nice texts between us the last few days. The Boys and I will bring her out for a birthday dinner and she said that she will go skiing/ snowboarding with us this week. I'm not complaining, all of this contact makes it easier for her to notice my positive changes- but is this really detaching? I try to act "as if"... So hard, because it is probably obvious that I adore her. Still waiting & scared to death of receiving D/S papers...nothing mentioned yet. What should I do, should I withdraw from her... Worried about pushing her away. Honestly, some of our conversations have been heartfelt, sincere & I have felt closer to her than I have in a long time- ironically she doesn't live here & there is no physical contact Maybe moving out gives her a feeling of distance and safety, although it is only 2 miles away, maybe she can miss me more from 2 miles than she could when I was 8000 miles away. While in Afghanistan, tempers, emotions and feelings were hurt and raw. Perhaps this is how we heal, baby steps and at an arms length distance.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I'm sure someone else will weigh in. But for now don't confuse detaching with physically not being around or even talking.
Detaching is not reacting to what is said or done. Having ZERO expectations for anything good to happen. Not being mentally affected by what she says or does. For me is is a weird feeling... like watching old movies of myself.
You sound like you are doing well. Yes, maybe that is how we heal a little bit at a time and from a distance....
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
missed your post about you starting a new thread, my bad. Here's what I posted on your previous thread,
Sorry for the delay, I've been out of the loop for a bit. (Holiday festivities, life, winter Barbeques )
"having a hard time shaking the feeling of despair"
I know when these feelings wash over they aren't pleasant, to say the least! Say for example, one moment, you're driving the car down the road, everything's fine. Then by chance you happen to pass a favourite hangout for you and W. Or even hear a song on the radio that the two of you have a connection with. All of a sudden, BAMM, feelings of sadness, loneliness, even grief wash over you. (Heck, for the first while I would often have to pull over to get it out of my system or enough that I would be able to drive again...argh!)
Know that for this type of lousy situation these feelings are normal. You can't just sweep them or 'will' them away. They'll come back to bite you on the @%#%! down the road if you do.
Again, keep chipping away at any positives you figure need looking at. As you work through this, you'll get a better and deeper understanding of what's what. The sun does shine again but it has to peek through some clouds first,
Coyote
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
Coyote, great to hear from you. No problem- I thought that it was always Winter in Canada! Thanks.You know exactly how it feels. The majority of the time I'm upbeat, optimistic & positive which has been a huge 180! Really enjoying my GAL activities, IC has been great. Family, R with my kids, health...everything is looking good! Civilian career is good, and my Self esteem and confidence is high.I'm honestly feeling better about ME than I ever have felt. Sure, sometimes brief feelings of loss & despair-it passes. Ironically,my Wife & I communicate better now than ever. Mutual respect, she is feeling validated & safer too. We see each other everyday...sometimes as a family, sometimes alone. Getting to be friends again. Talking on the ph & texting. She is happy with the changes, but is scared that it won't last. W brought up R yesterday and wants to have coffee in the morning together, to talk about R. She said that I was right...maybe we should put the old R to rest ...and start a new , better, healthier R. She mentioned getting the D on paper, at least to signify an end to the old R, and that we don't even need to tell anyone about the D...just for us. Strange- but I agree. Pyschologically & legally it sounds like it makes sense. A fresh start. Oh well, its really late. I woke up to check emails etc...a bit nervous about tomorrow. Hope all is well with everyone. Thanks again Coyote, your wisdom is always truly appreciated. "We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves" -Dalai Lama Take Care & Never Lose HOPE! P
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Certainly sounds promising! Great Dalai Lama quote too.
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
^^^^ Really need some opinions. Yesterday- W asked for us to go out & grab a coffee and talk about R ( she brought it up).Well, it is a bit promising.I'm still unsure how it will all go... I'll just try to focus & lower my expectations. Trying to have zero expectations- but it is so hard. W said that she can really see improvements & effort on my part. She is still seeing her C, I see mine, but I havent asked her to see a MC again ( she refused a few weeks ago) Here it is..... W said that she hasn't given up hope for reconciling, but she wants to ceremonially, legally,psychologically end the old R before considering moving forward with a new, better R. She needs to kill off the old R which means a D. Absolutely no promises that we WILL reconcile, but she said that she needs to do this... mentally, it means a fresh start for us. I can really see that she is making an effort to get closer to me. She admitted that we have been more honest and communicating better in the last few weeks than we have in years. Our conversations more relaxed,and are longer and more frequent. She even suggested getting the D & not telling people. The D would allow a clean break if I back-slide & become Jekyl & Hyde again ( won't happen -I promise). She recently told a friend that there really isn't anyone out there like me...that if she was dating, she would have a very hard time finding someone as intimate, caring & dedicated.( something like that). *How should I move forward? I'll agree to a fair D without a fight. It will be basic- she isn't trying to take a ton of assetts etc. *Should I be more insistent that we see a MC... perhaps seeing our Uncle (a great C. & catholic priest that married us & the kid's Godfather. * Am I missing anything? What options do I really have... Is this an olive branch disguised as poison ivy? This is a strange bit of DB'ing. Is this unique? She still has a "wall" up...her way of protecting herself emotionally...but I can see it lowering by microscopic increments. Still- no plans for her to move back home. Starting from scratch - friends first. Probably best, why rush to rebuild the foundation of what could possibly be a great, new R...a sequel to our old one. It is so strange trying to embrace the idea of D though.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
P- I only read your most recent posts (I will read all later) and I have a few similarities to your sitch in that my WAW who moved out 6 months ago and I see each other just about every day and spend time as a family w/ our 3 boys. We also have been communicating much better and our friendship has improved or come back.
We have not had a r talk in months as I will not bring it up and she has not as of yet.
My .02 is to let her take the lead on this. From your posts it seems that your w adores you and is willing to move forward in some fashion which is great. Keep being the best you you can be and try to detach from her actions and talks about the D as much as possible. You really can't control the sitch if thats the route she wishes to take and I think in the long run she will appreciate you giving her space and room to make her decisions.
With that being said I think it would be wise to have a DB coach weigh in to give you some more insight. Perhaps their will be a tactful way to discuss ways in which you can start over w/o an official D.
I am assuming your W knows where you stand in that you want to be with her so definitely no need to restate and def no begging, pleading, etc..Maybe as she pursues this option further she will see that it may not be the best route.
Best of luck and I will re-read your sitch to see if I can offer any further personal insight.
I read a book recently called "Should I stay or Go? How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage"
It guides you through the process of setting up a "Controlled Separation". Which might be something to slow her roll toward a divorce. It gives a time limit for the agreement, you write a contract together, all the ground rules are spelled out.
I am not sure that actually getting divorced is a good step!
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
)