25, I am absolutely in agreement with you about the "being madder" comment. If she was anybody else, I would be so done with her right now and never mind if it got her panties in a bunch. But I know that she's better than all this. All I see is a girl who's hurting so much inside and doing so much harm in an attempt to fix that hurt.
Thanks for the ideas on cologne. I've got a couple -- maybe I should spritz some on tomorrow as a test.
Tonight, while I was out, my W left a voicemail telling me to call her back. When I got back home, I texted her: What's up? She asked, "Can you please call me?" as per usual. So I did. And we had a conversation that lasted for a half hour or so. I will do a lot of condensing and re-arranging (as a lot was said) for the sake of brevity and easy reading.
W: Got your message about the $10. What exactly do you want me to do about it? M: Oh, don't even worry about it. At least now you know where your book might be off. [thanks for this one, 25 ] W: OK. Another thing, I'm going to be visiting in March. Can you sign the D papers then? M: Sure! Just keep me informed. W: Okay, I don't want you to be the emotionless, "sure!" guy about all of this. M: I don't mean to come across as emotionless or as though I'm happy about it. I've just been doing a lot of processing, and I feel like I've come to a place of acceptance with it and of embracing my new life. W: I'm really not doing well with this. I find myself missing you a lot. I wish I could be as strong as you in dealing with this -- that's one thing that I've always admired about you, how strong you are. I sometimes think about whether or not I did the right thing, although I think that I did, because I don't think that either one of us was happy. I feel sometimes like a failure, even though my parents say that I'm not.
I feel like I'm going through a grieving period -- like my heart is broken. I've been feeling a lot of things that I can't explain... It's like you died or something. You were there with me almost every day for almost 5.5 years, and now you've been gone for six months. I considered you my best friend, and now we don't have that anymore. M: It's going to be okay, for both of us. It really will. I want you to be happy; I really, really want that. We'll both get by. But I feel like the boundary that I set still stands. W: Is it because of OM? M: Mostly, yes. W: I understand that. I just feel like every once in a while, I'll want to talk to you. [at this point, she asks some questions about my life -- am I seeing anyone? How's my job? What kind of things have I been doing? As her tone is more pleasant and respectful than it's ever been, I choose to indulge her, though I'm still very vague. I am clear that I am very happy with my life.] W: So did you want to hear what's going on in my life, or do you even care? M: I do care, yes, but I'd better get going. Got to do my exercise -- it's a big one tonight. W: [getting frustrated] I guess it's always been my fault, choosing to care about someone who doesn't care about me. M: It's not that I don't care about you. I do. I just feel like I've set a boundary, and now I've got to stick to it. W: I don't get it. I feel like I compromised myself a lot in our R. I gave you everything that you wanted or needed every day for years, even though you hurt me hundreds of times. And I hurt you once, and you can't be there for me the one time that I need you.
I know that my R with OM has hurt you. It hurt you & it hurt my family. I wish I hadn't done it, I wish OM and I hadn't met that way. OM knows how much I hate that we met the way that we did and that I'll always walk around with it over my head. Do you feel like you're doing this because my being with OM hurts you? M: Yes. W: It's not my intention to hurt you, and I don't think that you ever intended to hurt me before, either. But I feel like you intend to hurt me now. Just because we're separated and getting D'd doesn't mean that we have to stop communicating. I feel like you owe me this. M: I don't mean to be cruel or come off like I don't care about you. But I feel like you already did what you felt that you needed to do to resolve your unhappiness with us. I understand that you're doing what you need to do to find your happiness, and I'm respecting that. But the way I feel about all this is not congruent with what you want from me. W: Fine. Have it your way. I just really feel like you're going to look back at this and wish that you'd handled things differently. I feel sorry for you. M: I'm going now. Keep me informed about March.
Well, there it is. I think that I've hit all of the main points in the convo. I'll leave my analysis out of it, as I'd like to both give myself a day to process my feelings and perhaps get some good feedback from you all.
My main question: Did I do the right thing in sticking to my guns and pushing her away? I feel that I did, but I can't help but feel incredibly guilty about it at the same time. She sounds so unhappy...
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