In my head I know I need to do this, but I don't know how. And on the days I try .. and try to be closer to him the anger and pain surfaces. I find myself wanting to distance myself just to protect myself.
I was just reading this in 25's thread over in newcomers, hope you don't mind I post this, 25.
Quote:
I can tell you Not to take it personally and I mean it...but you'd say at the time, "how can I not?" There's the rub.
Alas, the Achilles heel...a beautiful kind young woman asked me once, THE question--
"25, if I'm so great, then how can my mate-the one who knows me the best, LEAVE ME? If I'm so wonderful, how can he stop loving me?"
(Indeed? We don't know "how" they can; we only know they apparently can.)
Her fear was what we all fear, i.e., that down deep, truly deep down, we are NOT so wonderful. We fear we are unlovable.
This is a lie. Wherever it came from or is coming into your head now, do not believe it. It is a lie. A falsehood to explain the act of another.
And somehow we have to get it through our heads and hearts (and my adage applies--where the head goes, the heart will follow...eventually)
that it is NOT about a WAS rejecting us, but about them still seeking what they have not found.
This just really hit me in the gut. I was cheated on in my first marriage, now this one. I've never felt like I was good enough, or enough for someone.
Somewhere inside, there is a small part of me that thinks, I'm OK , but when I look at H I have to wonder, why did he do this, and why wasn't I enough...... and why wasn't I what he was looking for. He's been with me all of these years. So suddenly I'm not the right person for him?
Or... it's just his MLC he was going through. I don't know.
::big heavy sigh::
This is mentally exhausting tonight. I just wanna figure it all out ...
It doesn't matter how much H has explained to me what he was feeling, and how to him, ow was secondary to what was going on inside of him.
All I can see is that he did this... he chose to do what he did with ow... and so.... now what.
