Husband Left...Part 4

[Grmpy_Mnky]

Hopeful - Wow, thats' rough. Sound's like you got some solid advice here and it would appear, from the outside, that your H will indeed come around. Hang in there!

[Hopeful321]

I did and still am receiving great advice here. But I really don't see where he is working on himself. And maybe that will come in time.

He did tell me that he notice my changes and he liked them. He even told me that he liked me again. All I could think of, are we in Jr. High. LOL And he did tell me that he liked spending time with me again. So, there are some positives as well as negatives.

[25yearsmlc]

Hopeful I apologize for the hijack but will post to you later---today

NTX DAD---

That's rough, sorry to hear you are having to go through this.

My wife had some text conversations with a man last spring that were inappropriate. We've talked about it several times and the conversation never goes well.

so the approach is NOT working? So what will you do differently? Anything?

What's funny is that as inappropriate as that situation was, she always steers the conversation into how terrible it was for me to snoop.


so you continue to bring it up and she steers it back, so you both got nowhere? DO you have any regrets about snooping? Do you still do it? What will it take for you to stop?

We are getting along now and have decided to work through our issues and repair the marriage,

Wonderful....How did you do that? How will you repair the marriage? Do you have a plan? How will YOU change? I ask that way b/c As you know, YOU are all YOU control...so, the question is,

what's your game plan for becoming a man only a fool would leave?


however I told her one of my non-negotiables is that she MUST stop being friends with this person (he's our neighbor).


they live close to your home? So you are going to move away?

How will you Judge the results, or verify if she is obeying your dictate? (your word choice)


She's thinks it's controlling of me and said she could terminate the friendship, but is upset that I am dictating that she does so. I told her it's really her choice and that I will make my choice based on hers.


Well, it IS controlling but that's not the question I have.

So you gave her an ultimatum & then I wondered, Have you read the Div Busting or Div Remedy Books? They do NOT recommend ultimatums except in rare circumstances so I was curious if you'd read the books....


Anyway, I hate to be negative but really at some point we all need to decide what's acceptable and not acceptable, and make a stand no matter what the outcome will be. We have to have self respect. As Dr. Phil says, "You teach people how to treat you."

I don't mean to hijack but NTX Dad...I disagree with your approach.

I hope you'll read my post on my thread. It's the first thread I've started in years, literally. I hope you'll check out the relevant parts...
It's -about what I learned from all this DBing solution based approach to marital crisis.

There's something in there you may find relevant about how YOUR behavior is viewed by your wife - which is crucial for you to understand. For ME,

I saw your response to your w's texts as very rigid and perhaps punitive.

Granted, I do NOT know your story so that's all I can tell you about my initial reaction, so I'll be the first to say my comments have limited value.

But your comment about self respect reminded me of things I said when I was feeling punitive with my h. I'd use "self respect" and "teaching consequences of his choices" as code words for vindictive action stemming from my wounded pride and hurt ego and ANGER.

Thank GOD I had a brilliant DB coach who helped me recognize that.

I learned the hard way that there's a fine line between self respect and false pride... sometimes it's a blurry line and a shifting one...

enough said there.

Hopeful, I'll post to you today...

I'm sorry for your pain. However I can say you ought to be there for your h when he talks about his late daughter--of that, I'm sure. If nothing else, it's the Godly thing to do. And timing DOES matter, so

do NOT MIX the events of * fighting about your snooping VS his inappropriate contacts,

AND *supporting him with his grief over his Dead daughter...

keep these things separate...more later

((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

this is so painful but SO SIMPLE.......

I wish I knew. Yesterday, I snooped thru my H text messages and found things I wish I never found. One of his co workers that he was involved with, well they sent dirty pics and dirty sayings back and forth. And his ex-girlfriend sent dirty pics of herself. And she is married. I would love to forward those to her husband. This happened a month after we separated. And I found a text from a few days ago that he sent her how he could not get her off his mind and he was horny for her. Think God she lives up north. Now I can't seem to get the pics out of my head. I don't know how to deal with this. If I told him that I knew about them, it would be the end of our relationship. I wish I knew how to handle this.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

IF YOU WANT THE RELATIONSHIP TO END NOW, TELL HIM YOU SNOOPED (AGAIN!!!)

if not, don't.

the ex gf is married so there's a real chance they are PLAYING unless she wants to physically cheat on her h. Is this porn/horny sexting something your h does or is it always also physical?

Plus Since it happened AFTER you separated you will get nowhere telling him you snooped

and dear God WHY were you snooping if you were apart then?

Go read the relevant parts in DB asap...and don't forget that the recent texts are sent in his depression AND she's far away too so the fantasy only element exists.

Do I think you have big problems with him?

YES
but I don't think this weekend or this month is the time to address ALL of them...and stop snooping!!!

there are no deal breakers in here unless I missed something;
sop there's NO reason for the snooping...get a grip on yourself and be disciplined...

You know you can do better! I believe in you.

((( )))

[Hopeful321]

25 Thanks.

Weird thing, last Friday was her birthday and I was there for him. But after Friday, he hasn't discussed her since, at least to me. Now, the day before her birthday, he was very upset and discussed it with everyone who would listen. My opinion of that is, he was looking for attention from his female coworkers.

I doesn't know that I know about the pics. I am keeping them to myself and trying to deal with it on my own.

My friends tell me that I need to have self respect and let him go. If I stay and fight for my marriage, do I not have self respect or pride for myself?

[hope2011]

As a grieving parent I can tell you that the day BEFORE is much, much harder than the actual day. It's the anticipation of how bad the day is that is much worse than the day. So that's normal. It really, truly is.

If the pics were while you were broken up, then I don't see how they say you have no self respect? He is a single guy and to be blunt, what pics he receives aren't any of your business.

You have history and a child together but really, you are starting over and it is like Jr High. You've made big strides in making him like you and want to be around you. Someone who wants to move out and doesn't want you in their life does not confide in you, hug you or kiss you. That's not how I treat my enemies or ex's anyway!

You have a lot of hope here, you really do. You are HERE, you have the upper hand over the OW.

What 180's are you doing? What are you doing to appear attractive to him again?

[Hopeful321]

Thank you hope2011--

I have never lost a child and I pray that I will never experience that. Thank you for telling me that the day before is the hardest. I understand now.

Yes, the pics were right after he walked out on me. And you are right, they are none of my business.

My 180's are--I am listening to him and without interrupting him.

--I do not over react. I remain calm. (I blow up in private)
--giving him his space
--not contacting him. Letting him contact me.

Attractive to him--

Well, I colored my hair darker, if I know that he is coming over, I make sure I have make up on, some tight clothing to show off my butt and boobs.

That's about it.

I welcome all suggestions!

[hope2011]

Maybe changing your wardrobe a bit? How are you GAL?

[25yearsmlc]

there is a fine line between self respect and false pride and wounded egos...
and when anger comes into play it gets really blurry.

Be aware of what emotion seems to be driving you and if' anger is a big part of it, chances are it's NOT self respect but being mad and punitive...

when you are calm enough to come from a place of strength it's more likely to be self respect and boundary enforcement.

You need way more GAL b/c you don't have any...what you listed are some decent 180s and how you act AROUND HIM...

when I lived in the interior of Alaska and felt DOWN and cold and dark, here are some of the things I did and most cost little to nothing.

I auditioned for community theater and got roles, then better and bigger ones. Met cool new people.

I joined a writer's group.

Volunteered at a women's shelter and got on the Bd of Director's -helped my resume.

Learned to fly and got a pilot's license.

Went sky diving (in good weather, obviously).Very cool.

For my birthday in December...yikes...went mushing, which dog sledding...way cool but no one tells you that the dogs poop while they run and it flies right by your head...

Learned to hunt big game, went on a serious caribou hunt (yes I bagged one) and learned how to do serious fishing...yes I caught my limit!

Learned how to cross country ski and got back into downhill skiing.

Took a pottery class (weird for me but interesting and cool).

Did Stand up comedy.

Saw a shrink and tried some anti-depressants.

Used a tanning booth for sunlight (and risked the skin cancer..whatever)

worked out 3-4 times a week and got in GOOD shape.

Snow machined and got outside every day, which is saying a lot when you have a newborn and you live THERE....

joined the Officer's Wives club for the first time in 15 years and was damn glad to make GOOD friends who helped save my sanity.

Took a French conversation class AND a 6 week Italian culinary class.

Did NOT become an alcoholic, (that was PLAN B...)

So,

See if you can go dancing or take a class or join SOMETHING THIS MONTH...

I bet you can.

[BklynMom]

"Did NOT become an alcoholic, (that was PLAN B...)"

I really thought I was the only one that had this fantasy of being a drunk. In my fantasy I am cool 70's style mom alcoholic that drinks scotch for breakfast in my silk robe while wearing big sunglasses.